Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Daredevil Duct Tapes Himself To Empire State Building, A Few People Are Moderately Interested

You probably all know about Felix Wow (Born Felix Mom). You don’t? Where the hell have you been? Under a big rock? Under several smaller rocks? Well for all you naïve individuals out there, Felix Wow is a daredevil, risk taker, and overall showman extraordinaire. He has grown so used to adrenaline coursing through his veins that he’s resorted to injecting bull pheromones directly into his brain. He has defied death so many times that the Grim Reaper has just started taking lives at random to make up for it.

They have to die. Just accept it.

His pay-per-view special “Exploder-Rama” smashed the previous record held by Nosferatu’s X-rated HBO movie “Yankula: The Hand Job Vampire”. In recent years, Wow’s stunts have become more and more absurd. His reputation was tarnished when he ate an entire commercial airliner, but failed to evacuate the passengers beforehand. His latest publicity stunt is flickering on the edge of the radar, close to being entirely irrelevant. Felix has taped himself to the 103rd floor of the Empire State Building in an attempt to raise interest in his new cross-country tour. What Wow failed to account for is that smog levels have reached an all time high this season and visibility is foggier than your judgment was that night you impregnated that hot tub jet.

You haven't called her back have you? You're a real piece of work, buddy.

Four days passed before anyone saw Wow. Six days passed before anyone said anything. Ten days have passed and so far no one cares. “It’s a guy on a building. Whatever. I see that shit every god damn day of my life,” said some guy at a bus stop. “Is he naked? I’m pretty sure he’s naked? Why is he naked?” asked a random woman standing indiscriminately by a light post. Rumors HAVE been confirmed by the office located on that floor that Wow is indeed nude. “Productivity has fallen close to 60%,” explained the office’s CEO, “All day we gotta stare at this guy’s ass…well we don’t have to I guess, but how many times do you get a chance to look at a guy’s ass? I’m not gay or anything. I swear.” Some are calling him a hero and a magnificent madman, but most are calling him washed up and just downright ridiculous. The fire department has refused to offer any assistance in helping him down. You may be wondering “Why are we telling you this and trying to pass it off as news?” And well, we don’t really have an answer for you.

No comments:

Post a Comment