Friday, October 29, 2010

Headless Horseman Found Dead in Park, Every Teenager in the World Under Investigation

As of this morning, police authorities have blockaded off all access Sespoocha Park, marking it as an offical crimescene. At 2:36p.m., the Headless Horseman was found murdered in a most savage manner.  Details have been scarce, but word is that his jack-o'-lantern head was found smashed along the sidewalk.

The Pumpcaust.  This is what pumpkins learn about in middle school. 

The deputy on patrol, Yup Jockler, discovered the Horseman during his rounds around the park.  "I had just found some cotton candy on the ground, so my night was looking up, but then I saw him lying there with all that...pumpkin-goo shit all over the place," said the shaken up officer.  "I've haven't even been on the force for six months.  They don't teach you how to deal with this kind of thing in the academy."

Poor sap.  He's got no idea.

Medics were called to the scene immediately.  H.H. was rushed to St. God's Memorial Hospital, but was pronounced dead upon arrival.  A disgruntled amublance driver said, "He was clearly dead when we showed up.  I don't know why they made me drive all the way across town to pick him up, just so they could tell me he's dead.  Especially with how much gas costs these days."  Surgeons did what they could, but hesitated before operation because "once you get the smell of that orange crap on your hands, it takes like a day to get it off".

Even though the Horseman's pulse had bottomed out hours prior, a Swedish neurosurgeon, Bjorn Ferguson, was flown in to try and revive H.H. using the most cutting edge techniques in cranial reconstruction.  "Well first what I tried to do is just hold everything together really tightly and hope that it would sort of fix itself, but it kept falling apart, so I had to break out the tape AND the glue.  That's a first-timer in my book.  Still didn't do the trick, though.  Whoever did this seriously fucked him up."

Shown: Ritualistic Killing

Members of the community held a candlelit vigil last night to commemorate the fallen fiend and friend.  Many only hear of the Headless Horseman's troublemaking, decapitations, etc., but that's only half of the story.  The truth is that H.H. was adamant about undoing the wrongs from his past and becoming a valued member of society.  Three years ago, in an act of incredible generosity and pun-genuity, he started a blood drive to help impoverished families called "Pump 4 Kin".  Other criminals have followed this trend with such successful organizations as, The Manson March for Preemies, Bundy Bundles of Joy, and Dahmer Dollars for Inner City Children. 

Ed Gein is a little bit behind the curve because he is busy with his home furnishing company.  They specialize in lampshades.

Even Ichabod Crane, though having a rocky past with H.H., was solemn when we interviewed him.  "I know he tried to kill me and all, but of course I didn't want him to die.  After that whole thing, we actually became good friends...even more than that.  Hell, why should I try and hide it now?  We were lovers! And let me tell you something ain't never had a blowjob until you've been blown by a pumpkin.  Sure am gonna miss that."

Yeah, he was into all sorts of freaky shit.

The investigation has just began, but already police have a promising 5.6 million suspects.  "We know it was some punk kid," said Commissioner Foop Sabre. "This just reeks of 'teen spirit'.  Kids these days are all into this vandalism stuff.  Normally, I turn a blind eye to harmless shenanigans like ding-dong ditching, egging, and triple homicides, but this time is just went too far."

We have a solution for this teenager problem.  It rhymes with "mass extermination".

Tracking down exactly which high school student is responsible has proven difficult for authorities, but they are determined.  "New leads are being brought to the table every single day," said a red-eyed, coffee-fueled sheriff Bob Cock. "Look at today for instance.  We found out that John Thompson (11th grade) was at the very same party that Sally Wilkins (12th grade) was at on the night of the incident.  Now you can't tell me that isn't a big break in the case."

The most promising suspect, Steven Anderson, was placed at the scene of the crime the night of the murder by several witnesses who swear that they "definitely saw him do it".  A live camera feed also reveals Anderson to be the perpetrator.  The baseball bat used to commit the devious act was discovered in the trunk of Anderson's car.  Police, however, "aren't buying it," claiming that it "makes too much sense."

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