Man Doesn't Like Horseback Riding

Equestrianism refers to the riding of horses, whether it be recreational or competitive.  Why are we telling you this?  Hold on a second for fuck's sake, you overactive, hyperass sugardick.  We'll tell you in good time.  You may have noticed our absence lately.  Your mom told us you were heartbroken and that you spent hour after hour, day after day on the computer, waiting for a new article and wiping up your tears with the same soiled tissues you used to sop up your wasted baby-juice.  We sincerely apologize, but we have a good excuse.

Where's yours?  We know for a fact you didn't accidentally type "AnalCookieWeinerMilk" into your search bar.

Strange Times has been taking a bit of a vacation.  The daily battle of producing hard-hitting, soft-fondling news overwhelmed us.  Everywhere we looked we saw news that needed reporting on.  Local man scratches ass, local woman smells local man's finger, and the list goes on and on.  It came to be that we were writing 24 hours a day.  The only sustenance we had at our disposal was old issues of Pregnant Parades, which we happily consumed and later shat out in the form of new articles.

Ahhh, the old typewriter.

It got to a point where we couldn't take it anymore.  In fact, we still can't take it.  You people have no idea what it's like!  The kind of pressure we're under!  Every day is filled with torment and agony in the form of fake news stories about monsters and bullshit that you probably don't even read or care about!  You all sit at home in your nice warm wombs and laugh at our plight!  Well we're tired of being unappreciated.  We're calling it quits.  Consider this the last sentence that Strange Times will ever write:  NO!  We're not even going to give you the satisfaction of writing a final sentence.  We're just going to end it really abruptly and awkwardly and leave you feeling really uncomfortable and unsure if---

First Date Disaster Hospitalizes Couple

It's true what they say: Love is blind.  Oftentimes there's nothing you can do to seek it out.  All you can do is put yourself out there and hope that something sticks, literally and figuratively.  You just gotta whip your dick out and charge forward with a blindfold on, praying that you put your automatic meatgrinder away.

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

Strange Times Falls in Love

Here at Strange Times, love is important.  Sure, we talk a lot about the futility of mankind and the hopeless plight of humanity, but we're actually suckers for all that mushy-gushy stuff. Whether you're discovering your soulmate in the sea of loneliness known as life or if you're just rubbing one out into the toilet during your lunch break, you've just gotta have a special someone that you can hold near and dear.

Not asking her name is our biggest regret...we just hope she's happy.

Walt Disney's Corpse is Reanimated! Dies Moments Later.

On December 15, 1966, Walt Disney died.  Children everywhere threw tantrums and many cartoons were left without homes.  Within just a few short months, Mickey Mouse was spotted slinging crack in bad part of town and Goofy was buying it up in bulk quantities.  Donald Duck was detained at an airport in Miami with a pound of heroin rammed up his tail feathers.  Snow White and The Seven Dwarves exploited a very narrow audience with their fetish website, "dwarfdongs.com".  Maulings in the Animal Kingdom skyrocketed and Epcot...well Epcot did nothing because it's full of cold, emotionless robots. 

Welcome to the Thunderdome.

Trick-or-Treating: Everything You Need To Know And More!

Prior to you reading this article, we would like to make it known that we are fully aware it is the day after Halloween.  What are you gonna do?  Tell the Calendar Police?  ...oh shit, please don't tell the Calendar Police.  If we get one more infraction on our record, they're going to lynch us.

The Calender Police forgot your birthday, but they always remember your deathday.