Saturday, January 22, 2011

Hell's New Punishment Deal Good For Most

Today was the first day under Hell's recently passed Punishment Reform Act.  It came about when one tormented soul demanded to speak with Satan.  The Dark Prince was in a kind mood because he had woken up to the sounds of wails of discontent, so he allowed the damned a five minute window to speak his opinion.  "I just thought Satan was being a huge douche, so I decided to give him a piece of my mind," said the soul.  "...don't tell him I said that."

"What's on the agenda for today, Bill?  More moaning and writhing?  Good.  That's just how I like it."

During their meeting, the soul spoke on behalf of all the other suffering spirits.  He called Lucifer's punishments "unfair and bogus".  This really struck a chord with Satan as he immediately decided to pass a new set of guidelines for running Hell.  "I will admit that over the years I've gotten a little sloppy with the way things are around here.  They don't give you any manual for running Hell, lemme tell ya.  You think raising kids is hard?  Chyeah right, try walking a mile in my shoes, sister," said the devil.

Whoopi is in talks for depicting Satan in an upcoming film about his life.

The Punishment Reform Act did away with the old "9 Circles" method of punishment and replaced it with a more interactive, user friendly format.  In a shockingly generous change of heart by Satan, he has decided to allow new and currently damned souls to choose their own punishments.

"With the steady increase of sinners being sent my way, it got hard to keep track," said Satan.  "I tried my best to categorize them into 9 different groups, but I mean...people don't just choose one kind of sin and go with that their entire lives.  Rapists start murdering.  Murderers start stealing.  Thiefs go to see Little Fockers.  All of these are morally reprehensible acts."

Funny, they had to sell their souls to get this made. Now, it's threatening to send yours to Hell.

Satan believes that if people are allowed to choose their own punishments, it will make for a less tense environment in Hell.  "No one likes toiling away in the sulfur pits.  I can see that.  I'm not blind.  This way, I think deceased folks will enjoy their stay here a little bit more...I mean, it's still Hell and everything, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun, right?"

These two guys seem to be enjoying themselves.

When a new soul abandons all hope and crosses the threshold of the underworld, they are met by Satan himself to guide them through the rest of the procedure.  "I did away with the minions and demons with pointy sticks.  I thought that a one-on-one sort of interaction would make this whole process go a little more smoothly."  Satan then sits the soul down and runs through their options.  "Anything.  I'm giving everyone the ability to decide how they want to spend the next eternity...but it has to be bad.  I make them promise to make it something bad."

Shown: Something bad.

So far, things have been "pretty awesome" in Hell since the change, said one man that chose to eat nothing but cake and ice cream for all eternity.  "It's great.  I wake cream.  Before I go to sleep...cake.  When I'm not eating those things, I eat candy and cookies.  It's like clockwork.  Although, my stomach's getting kind of upset and it's only like, the first day.  I'm sure it'll be fine."

In Hell, you never get the piece you want.

Other chosen punishments include: the Bottomles Puppy Petting Pit, the Thousand Mile Long Laundry Detergent Aisle, and the Never-Ending Blowjob. "The first hour was excellent. In fact, that whole day was fantastic. But now, I just wanna cuddle."

Think it smells good now?  Try standing there for 17,000 years.

One man didn't understand the concept and assumed that Satan was trying to trick him, so he chose the very first punishment suggested to him, which was to be scorned and tortured by leagues of godless creatures until the end of time.  "Shit.  I really should have waited to see what other things I had to choose from.  Well...I guess this isn't so bad.  I mean, at least I'm not like that guy whose gotta have sex with all those supermodels.  Must suck to be him." 
The Devil is pleased with the way things are going.  "It's almost like I didn't need to be here at all for all these years.  These people are pretty much bringing this misery upon themselves.  Except one guy.  He chose to eat nothing but Ramen Noodles and watch reruns of Home Improvement for his punishment...but he's not getting sick of it.  That guy really fuckin' loves Tim Allen."
Can you blame him?

Hell's future is uncertain, for many new souls traveling south are beginning to learn the how to play the system for their advantage.  Hell is becoming somewhat of a "Heaven where you can fuck and do drugs".  Heaven's attendance is at an all-time low since news leaked back to the living world that Hell is just one giant party.  "I always liked God, ya know.  But, uhhh, I heard that Satan is giving out free cars to anyone that chooses to lift rocks all day, so I mean...that's what I did when I was on Earth, so I might as well." 

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