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Saturday, January 29, 2011

Man Announces To Officially "Keep His Grubby Paws Off Himself" For The Next Two Weeks

At last night's Town Hall meeting, Rick Catfishe took the floor and spoke on behalf of a personal matter that he thought directly affected the entire community.  Catfishe had just made the official decision to stop masturbating for the next two weeks.  "Fourteen Days," said Rick.  "That's all it's gonna take."  The entire community was abuzz at this shocking news as Rick had solidified his reputation as a frequent wanker last summer.  "Yeah back in July he missed the annual fireworks display," said Mayor Swerski. "...because he was too busy pulling his pud."

Like this, but with semen and Jergens.

Rick went on to describe in great detail what his motives were for this unexpected fortnight of abstinence.  "Day in and day out I've got my hands all over my body.  I feel violated, dirty...cheap.  I think if I am going to salvage any self respect, I need to start holding some higher standards for myself and quit giving it up without even trying.  I don't want people to think I'm a slut."

Catfishe then opened the floor for any questions, comments, or concerns that his fellow townsfolk may have.  Although surprised, the community seemed proud and almost inspired at Rick's selfless dedication and sheer determination to not beat his dick up for a few weeks.  "Ya know, it happens to all of us," said Rick's boss, Paul Cockle.  "We get caught up in that vicious cycle.  Jerk off once before breakfast.  Once after.  When we get to work.  Again around lunchtime.  Before we leave work.  When we get home.  Pre and Post-dinner and right before bed...then a few times while I sleep.  I still can't say I spank it more than Rick though...that guy's dongle has seen a lot of time on the battlefield.  I'm just happy he's settling down."

"Tissue is in place!  He's giving the signal!  Prepare to blow wad!"

Others were not so supportive of Rick's decision, calling it a publicity stunt and a hollow promise.  "There's no way," said ex-wife Diana Barbara.  "Even when we were married, all he did was jack off.  My elbows were dry all year round because he'd use up the lotion before I even got a drop.  No one can compete with his hand because it knows him inside and out...that's right...inside."

A reporter from the local newspaper stood up in the middle of questioning and the room grew quiet.  He stared around the room whilst breathing shakily through his nostrils.  He then fixed his gaze upon Rick who was standing confidently at the podium.  "What about handjobs?" said the man with sex in his voice.  Catfishe pondered this inquiry for a brief moment before undoing his trousers, removing his penis, and inserting it into the firm, yet tender, grip of the unnamed journalist.  The community saw this as their queue to leave.

"Well, that was something I haven't seen before," said an elderly woman on her way out.  "Glad I did."

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