New Educational Reform Vows To Make Smart Kids Smarter and Dumb Kids Stronger

Evolution is a beautiful thing.  From the dawn of life in the form of primordial slop to the upright walking piles of technologically advanced slop.  Over the years we've shed our furry coats, become sexier, and grown more streamlined.  The human race can only go up from here, people.

Or have we already achieved perfection?

Man Makes Voice Higher By Inhaling Helium, Laughs Are Had

Groundbreaking strides were made in comedy yesterday at Stacey Harris’ birthday party.  Stacey is a secretary at Smith and Smithe Accounting Firm and pizza, soda, and cake were served to mark her 28^th birthday.  Josh Duef, the office funnyman, took it upon himself to remove a balloon its string, poke a small hole near the bottom using a plastic fork, and breathe the helium deep into his lungs.  Then, magic happened.  Josh’s voice rose several octaves, mimicking that of a chipmunk.  Laughs were countless and knees were slapped until raw and chafed.  The boss gave him a raise on the spot because the ingenuity of the gag.  “It was so funny,” said R&D Supervisor Richard Quinn.  “He sounded like some kind of crazy baby or a cartoon bird or something.  That’s just like Josh.  Classic.”  Josh continued to empty balloon after balloon of their contents, but soon ran out of things to say with a high-pitched voice.  “Yeah, at first it was great, but then he started quoting "Mein Kampf" and making claims about Oprah owning slaves.  After that it sort of got really uncool.”  Duef has officially come out saying that he is hanging up his career as the workplace clown, making it the shortest-lived career of a comedian since Carlos Mencia…HEYOOO!

Middle School Student Sacrifices Dog To Volcano. Still Fails English Test.

7^th grade student, Francine Regahl, has been nervous about her test in Mrs. Heely’s English class for the past four days.  Despite the stress, Francine did not study even for a brief moment.  Instead, she brought her Miniature Schnauzer, Chopski, to Mount Vesuvius and dropped him in.  She hoped to please the gods with this offering so that they would grant her a passing grade on her test.  If she got a B, her mom promised to by her she would buy her a new “super cute” blouse.  The sacrifice was ineffective as Francine still received a 31% on the test.  “Mrs. Heely is such a bitch.  She only gave me that grade because she obviously hates me.  Only ugly people use pronouns anyway.”  The volcano has since erupted, killing thousands and leaving many more without a single worldly possession.  Survivors pin the blame solely on Francine and are begging her to pray for their salvation.  She responded with a resounding “Ew. Those people don't even have houses.”

Cold Sore Causes Mild Inconvenience

Geoffery Alapeachya has just realized a cold sore is forming on the right side of his upper lip.  He first grew aware of the oncoming ailment while taking a shower.  He was exfoliating his face when he felt a minor sting near his mouth.  It is only slightly tender to the touch, but guarantees to get more painful as the day goes on.  Chapstick has been considered, but he doesn’t know if that helps.  Reminders have been abundant from friends and family urging him not to touch it, but he has continued to fondle the bump.  “This is just not a good day for this.  I’ve got a meeting in a few hours and even though you can’t see the cold sore yet, I know I’m going to be thinking about it.”  Geoffery is bracing himself for lunch with his co-worker, Jerry, who will almost positively crack a joke about Herpes.  Also, he will more than likely make a witty observation about his ranch dressing looking like human semen.

3-Legged Race Regional Champions Undergo Drastic Surgery

Chet and Brett Habieber are known across several counties as the undefeated kings of picnic games.  Over the summer, Chet completed a triatholon while carrying an egg on a spoon.  Every morning for breakfast, Brett competes in a pie-eating contest and wins 1^st place.  The duo is most known for their dominating skill in the three-legged race.   They got their starts crashing family reunions and children’s birthday parties, but have since entered the big leagues by become top players in the Olympicnics.  However, their success is not all dildos and cream cheese.  The team of two were gracious enough to share their wise advice with us...“You gotta be quick, you gotta be strong, but above all, you gotta be smart.  And this ain’t the kind of stuff you can learn overnight.  No Sir-ee Bob.  You have to be born with the knowledge and the skill to become a picnic warrior.  If you don’t have that natural talent, just quit man.  Just give up now and save yourself the embarrassment.”

Geologist Finds New Mineral Along Expressway

Geologist Frank Raspie was sweating last week.  Not from working out, not from an awkward first date, and not even from vigorously masturbating...well, maybe there was some of that thrown in.  The main reason for his perspiration was the sheer pants-shittingly exciting excitement surrounding his most recent discovery.

This, but with shit.  Also, geology.

Depressed Filmmaker Sabotages His Own Film

Cinema is a beloved pastime around the globe.  It grants people a temporary exit from the dick-shrivelingly awful reality that is their lives.  There are no bills, no divorces, and no stepchildren with red hair who can't seem to grasp the concept that they need to put a clippy-thing on the open cereal pouch or else cockroaches will lay their eggs in your Honey Bunches of Oats. In movies, you can hop on the back of a majestic unicorn or uphold justice with a time-traveling cop.  Only in the movies, though.  Don't forget that.  If you try and pull that shit in real life, you'll end up ass-deep in a mental hospital, prison, or dead...or all three.

Also known as a "Charlie Manson".  What's that?  He's still alive?  Oh shit.

Small Town Artist Paints Masterpiece, But Won't Show It To Anyone

David Juluhpsie was inspired at a young age to pursue art in all of its forms.  Whether it be water colors, pastels, clay sculpting, or hurling his own shit at a blank canvas, David considers himself a master of all mediums.  He reached marginal fame with a photograph collection of his pets that was shown at his local community center's art fair.  Also, he won a coloring contest in 2006, but later had the award revoked on the grounds that he used a modified crayon to automatically color inside the lines.  

If your child colors like this, they are a dirty fucking little cheater.

A Guide to Women and How to Capture Them...And Their Hearts

Although Strange Times comes across as a lone organ pumping out foot after foot of moist, steaming news, believe it or not we are actually composed of many different writers from radically different backgrounds.  Men, women, children, hell we've even got a few dogs working around the office.  It is an honor for us to present the first of what we hope to be many independent articles written by some of the more colorful members of our staff.  First up is Elliot Fancifest. Elliot has been with us from the very beginning.  Despite a rocky start working as a janitor in our "Adopt-A-Death-Row-Inmate" program, he slowly worked, stabbed, and gouged his way to the top to become one of our most promising advice columnists.  He specializes in all things love oriented.  It doesn't matter what race or species you are.  It doesn't even matter if you have a pulse.  Elliot will get you the significant other of your dreams...by any means necessary.

WOMEN: Nature's Tastiest Treat! 

Hi there folks!  Elliot Fancifest here, or "The Love Spider" as many call me because of my ability to capture women in my web of charm and turn their guts into liquid with my venomous love acid.  I'm here to tell you a little bit about romance.  Romance is truly the spice of life, located right next to your oregano, cumin, and the methamphetamines that you sprinkle on basically everything.  Although rewarding, romancing the opposite gender is an art form that requires years of practice and a tireless work ethic.  It's not only about breaking down mental barriers, but building yourself up physically to cope with the strains that women can put on you.  Just last week, I sprained my ankle whilst chasing a girl through the forest, but more on that later.  What you must remember is that women are not so complicated.  If you give them gifts, they will be pleased.  If you give them diseases, they will be disappointed.  Just like any other creature in nature, if you wound them...they will bleed...mmm oh yes.

You may be wondering to yourself how you, a feeble, shriveled, fetus of a man can ever become a supreme woman-tamer like yours truly.  Sure, it is improbable that you will be become as virile as I, but not impossible.  Why, nothing is impossible with enough fishing wire and sedatives.  Remember that.  There's a quiz at the end of this.  That is just one of the many tips I will be discussing with you today.  Now listen up my sexually frustrated, underlying homicidal-maniac friend and before you know it you will be getting so many chicks that you'll run out of places in your house to store them.

You're going to want to invest in a room like this.

God Guilty Of Outsourcing Prayers

What do you do every night?  After you've downed your second family-sized bucket of triple fried fat crisps, you probably stumble up the stairs in a sodium induced hallucination.  After gargling the pre-vomit spit out of your mouth with a healthy splash of Mountain Dew, you slither your way into some grimy footy pajamas.  Next thing you know, you're on your knees next to your bed, ready to deliver a major prayer job to the big man himself.  You divulge all of your deepest, darkest secrets to him. Your dirty thoughts and your sick obsessions.  You beg for guidance, forgiveness, and peace of mind.  Little do you know that God is off playing croquet while you are putting yourself at his mercy. In fact, he doesn't even know you're talking to him. So where are your spiritual messages going if not to God?  It is more than likely that they are being received by one of the thousands of foreigners that Heaven has contracted to handle prayer-answering.

If only...if only.