Man Sells Lifelong Collection! Sort of.

It may sound morbid, but Strange Times finds that the largest nuggets of comedic gold often come from downtrodden men whose luck is so down that it's nearing the region of becoming a truck stop cliché.  We don't know why, but there is nothing quite as funny as shattered hopes and crippled dreams that are dying in an alley with no one but the roaches to give the eulogy...except maybe that one movie with the talking dog.

Nope, this is much funnier.

Shopper Heroically Survives Weeklong Ordeal

This morning spelled relief for local shopper, Crisp Latch, after a weeklong struggle that tested will to survive.  A week ago, Crisp was grocery shopping at Floor-Mart, where the prices are dirt cheap and the floors are, well...just covered in dirt.  Latch admits to straying from his list a little bit because the deals on latex gloves were "just too good to pass up".  There was a brief discrepancy between Crisp and the clerk at the checkout counter regarding the expiration date of a coupon.  They eventually agreed that the coupon was indeed still valid and that the 8 had just been smudged to look like a 3.  Satisfied with his extreme shopping savvy, he exited the store.  Struggling to push his cart, Crisp wondered if he really needed the five dozen TV dinners with fake vaginas built into the boxes.

He decided that it was a necessary purchase.

Strange Times' Interview With College of DuPage's Courier: The One They Didn't Publish

Recently, Strange Times' own bossman, Tom Orr, met with a staff member from College of DuPage's The Courier.  The Courier is a weekly newspaper that is seen circulating campus, lining birds' nests, and protecting hoboes' feet from the elements.  They caught wind of Strange Times and needless to say, they were begging for an interview.  Now, Mr. Orr typically does not reduce himself down to the level of commoners, but after a fair amount of groveling, pleading, and interview-earning rimjobs...he accepted, but only if it was on his terms.  He demanded to know how big the interviewer's penis was beforehand, "just to know where he stands"...they didn't tell us, but Orr followed through with the interview anyway.  He was walking on the proverbial sunshine after the interview, claiming that the article would finally break down the barriers between monsters and humans.  He went on to say that this was just the kind of publicity Strange Times needed to get our "Bill for Ghoul Equality" sent to Congress.  To our dismay, The Courier hit stands this morning with a fluff piece.  A mere quarter page in the Arts & Entertainment section.  Needless to say, we were outraged.  They referred to Orr as a "fresh man" at College of DuPage, which we can only assume means "simpleton idiot".  Talk of monster discrimination and the desperate need to renovate our sewers for better living conditions for C.H.U.D., was kept to a minimum, meaning they didn't put it in the article at all.  Strange Times is currently filing a lawsuit, but can't seem to find a lawyer willing to support us.  We've been told with all the crimes we have committed that we should count our lucky stars that we aren't in the electric chair, but we aren't satisfied.  The Courier avoided the truth and darted away from Orr's questions as quickly as a grizzly bear BJ can turn into a "nubbening".

High School Student Suffers Due To Penis Being "Too Big"

Everyone remembers high school for the insecure, overly dramatic, awkward shit-pit that it is.  Parties came and went without your attendance and the Kleenex company's profits soared because of your bouts of late night, self exploration. Kyle Burne, however, is forced to cope with a very different issue every single day of his teenaged life.  "My penis is just too big," he confesses.

AHAHA!  GET IT?!  BECAUSE ANOTHER NAME FOR ROOSTER IS...forget it.

Anti-Gay Marriage Activist's New Platform Gets Conservatives "Really Boned Up"

The battle for Gay Rights has been raging on for years and shows no signs of ending.  Harvey Milk, Johnny Cookie, and countless others have given up their careers, reputation, safety, and even lives for this cause.  Despite the outpouring of support gained over the years, ignorance and intolerance have continued to trump all progress.  The equality and fair treatment of homosexuals is something that is held very near and dear to Strange Times' heart.  The same cannot be said for major league fucknut, Troy Killian.  In 2006, Killian attempted to pass a bill that required schools to teach "fag, dyke, and homo" as vocabulary words in elementary English class.  He gained momentum with his book Gays: And Why I Don't Like 'Em, where he repeatedly calls members of the gay community "icky".  Most recently, though, Killian has been railing against gay and lesbian marriage with a new platform.

"Children with gay or lesbian parents will be deprived of Yo Mama jokes.  Yo Mama jokes are crucial part in a child's development and I think it would be irresponsible to take that away from them.  For example, if a child has two fathers, fellow students will be hesitant to make a Yo Mama joke because that the runs the risk of sounding downright silly if the child technically has no "Mama".  The same goes for a child with two mothers.  You may be thinking that with two female parents, the Yo Mama jokes would double in frequency, but that is simply not the case.  The child's peers may very well tell Yo Mama jokes at first, but there will likely be confusion as to what "Mama" the joke is aimed at.  Clarifying the uncertainty of the joke's intentional target will prove to be too much work for children and they will give up telling Yo Mama jokes entirely.  These jokes have been a staple in American culture for decades and taking them away will be detrimental to our nation's youth."

Fellow conservatives and homophobes praised the ingenuity of the argument.  Republican Senator, Michael Pentuppe, called Killian, "A freedom fighter and a patriot.  He's such a brilliant man.  He's got a great head of hair.  I hear he works out.  God I wanna suck his cock...I mean...I didn't mean...oh shit." 

Strange Times entire staff is planning a field trip to Killian's home in the suburbs just as soon as our shipment of lead pipes and baseball bats is delivered.

Giant Sand Worms Impede Volleyball Tournament

Nothing spells fun in the sun quite like balls on the beach.  The Phillips' County Women's Volleyball Club inteneded on defending their title as Conference Champions this Sunday, but has been delayed due to a sudden infestation of pesky man-eating worms.  These enormous sand worms are thought to have come up due to last week's recordbreaking rainfall.

This, but fucking huge.

Carnival Ends In Tragedy For Rural Family

Carnival attendees joined in mourning today after tragedy befell the Smitchsons yesterday while they were attending the annual Fall Family-Fun Festival in Lipps County.  Mr. and Mrs. Smitchson, Wes and Doloris, decided to take their only child, 12-year-old Jack, to the festival for a day of good clean fun.  Jack had been getting into a variety of "dirty fun" lately and this excursion was meant to bring the family closer together.

A breeding ground for disaster and STDs

Trouble began when Wes could not find a place to park.  City council had sectioned off the empty 3-acre lot across the street for parking, but it proved to be "slightly too small".  Rumor has it that Wes honked more than once at a man whom he thought was pulling out of his spot, but then decided not to.  "I came pretty early in the morning, so I could set up a few lawn chairs for the parade," explained the man. "After a few hours, I had breathed in a lot of exhaust fumes from the Tilt-A-Whirl and thought I should go home.  I got in my car, but then I was feeling a lot better, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to go home.  There was a Duran Duran tribute band I wanted to catch a little bit later."  

Meteor Threatens To Destroy Earth! Don't Worry, It Gets Better.

Think of all of the world's problems.  You can't think of any?  Are your eyes open?  They aren't?  Well, open 'em up, you fuckin' jagaloon.  There!  Now do you see?!  Now do you see the horrifying cess pool of despair that you've been wallowing around in?  Good.  Because it's all about to end.  We're going to make this brief because we have a lot of plundering and pillaging to catch up on before we're all destroyed.

"These deals are faaantastic!  It's almost like they're just giving this shit away!"

Couple Deems "Uncle Buck" A Classic

Yesterday was Fred and Tanya Murphy's weekly movie night.  Fred, being a lover of late 80's-early 90's comedies, decided to pick up Uncle Buck from their local video store.  Prior to last night, he had been told it was a classic, but he was skeptical.  Before viewing the film, Fred said "I'm not so sure.  I mean, John Candy is great and all...but as a wacky uncle caring for his brother's kids?  I just can't see that being funny."  Tanya's sister, Lisa, has seen Uncle Buck several times in the past and "couldn't believe" Fred and Tanya hadn't seen it.  "There's this scene with a pancake," Lisa told the couple.  "I can't even describe it.  It's hilarious.  I still can't believe you two haven't seen it."

Candy was named after John Candy.  Also, we imagine he smelled like Jujubes.

Upon watching the film, the Murphys were pleasantly surprised.  Tanya thought it was "sweet, sincere, and made me laugh."  Fred described his favorite scene, "When he punched the clown, I may or may not have choked on a piece of popcorn.  I rewound it and watched that part again."  Next week, the couple plans on watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off , but Fred doesn't know if it can live up to the hype.  "Okay, I'll admit I was wrong about Uncle Buck, but a movie about a kid skipping school...there's no way that's funny."

Death Rate of Douchebags Spikes, Grim Reaper Explains

Have you noticed lately that there aren't nearly as many fuckfaces roaming the streets? If you haven't, it's probably because you're one of them and you should expect to be killed very soon.  You may be saying to yourself, "No way bro.  I'll never die."  And with that, you're further enforcing our point.

The National Mortality Report was released over the weekend and has come out with some surprising statistics.  Evidently, tremendous assholes have shifted into first place regarding death rates.  Since the new year began, they have been dying in greater numbers and in rapid succession, often under mysterious circumstance. These unexplained deaths cannot be pinned to one specific group, but appear to target many cliques of various levels of douchebaggery.  The list includes Dumbasses, Smartasses, Indie Hipster Fuckbags, Frat Boy Meatheads, Cocksuckers, Shitheads, Shitdicks, Dickheads, Dickshits, Dicknoses, and is getting longer by the minute.

This guy has been killed so many times already.