30-Second Headache Medicine

The latest headache relief medicine on the market has been pulled from shelves all across America in the largest recall since the Great Poopsicle Scare of '76 (yes, Poopsicle).  It turns out that the drug advertised as 30-second headache relief does not actually cure headaches in 30 seconds, but rather only cures headaches for 30 seconds.

"Ahhh, finally my headache is...wait, fuck.  It's back again."

Cop Comes Out of Retirement to Bust Pot Smokers

Yesterday afternoon, Phil Warren, a retired police officer, was grocery shopping with his wife.  Warren had been on the force for nearly 50 years before they forced him to retire because by that point they just couldn't pay for his Ben-Gay addiction anymore.  Warren had been a hero in his prime.  Taking down perps, following leads, and doing other things that movies have told us police officers do.  He is most known for his 1978 Drug Bust that led to the recovery of sixteen tons of stolen Viagra.  That was a hard year for everyone...HEYOOO!

"You have the right to remain erect.  Also, remember what time it is because I've been lugging this thing around for awhile now and I'm starting to get worried about that whole 4-hour boner thing."

X-ray Glasses See Through Existence

Recently, a man, one Victor Glimp, bought a pair of X-ray glasses from Laughski McLoaf's Joke and Prank Emporium.  Glimp bought the glasses since he had already bought many products from McLoaf's, including his prosthetic penis, which has more than paid for itself in laughs alone.

Yup, now you've seen a prosthetic penis...congratulations.

Child Gets Everything He Wanted For Christmas

This morning marked another successful holiday season for 9-year-old Bradley Baker.  Several weeks ago, his mother grilled him on what he wanted for Christmas.  Even though Bradley had recently seen a TV special about the joy of giving, not getting, and told his mother he didn't need anything besides his family, she insisted.  On the list Bradley had included a baseball glove, a set of colored pencils, and a new toy truck since his old one had lost a tire when he brought it to the beach that one time.

Shown: The Beach

Local Man Doesn't Like Snow

Snow.  Also known as Sky Cum.  Also known as...nothing else.  Those are the only two words for snow...the ONLY two words for snow.  Eskimos have been lying to us for years.  Regardless of what you want to call it, this morning all of you surely ran to the window in a flash, tore open the window, and threw up the sash to see the freshly fallen wintertime cloud crud.  

Be careful what sashes you throw up...some kids are tattle-tales.

Presidential Candidate Kisses Baby...On The Lips

Republicans and Democrats alike were shocked last week at a presidential rally when the Fascist Party's own candidate, Jacob Karloff, kissed a baby.  Now, baby-smooching has been associated with elections for decades, no one is disputing that.  What is being disputed is the placement of Jacob's kiss.

Who's up for a round of Pin the Fascist Lips on the Infant?

U.S. Postal Service Sued Over Stomach Ache

During this time of year, the mail tends to get a little wacky.  Thousands of letters are sent to Santa, thousands of letters to Santa are being shoveled into an incinerator, and of course, the overwhelming abundance of packages being shipped to and fro.

Fro.  The worst kind of package to receive.

"No More Sad Endings" Announces MPAA

Everyone loves movies.  Except the people that don't and well, who the hell do they think they are?  Movies give us a chance to experience things we would never do on our own, like for instance, saving someone from a burning building.

Psh, only in the movies.

Man Possessed By Holiday Spirit

Finally!  The holidays are here, people.  They are among us.  They are...invading our souls?  YES!  You know that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you're sitting around the fireplace with your family, opening gifts, drinking hot cocoa?  That initial gasp and jumping of your heart when you see how the first snow has transformed your backyard into a winter wonderland?  All of these things that you thought were heartfelt, tender moments are in actuality...your ass being possessed by holiday demons.

"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!"

Lottery Notifies Man!

You may or may not already know this, but money doesn't come out of nowhere.  It doesn't grow on trees...well, it does on our trees, but we had to do deplorable things to earn that.  For the common man, there are a few different ways of making money with little to no effort whatsoever.  Depending on the elasticity of your anus, you may have a few more options than others, but for those of you who would like to keep your digestive track on the inside, you could always try your hand at...the lottery!

Prepare to be power-balled in and around the face and neck.