Jokester Crushed By Anvil In Unfunny Stunt

Yesterday afternoon, 16-year-old class clown James Tahee attempted to recreate a classic scene from his favorite cartoon by dropping an anvil on his head from great heights.  "I've always loved cartoon physics," said an optimistic Tahee, several hours before the stunt.  "Last summer I tried for weeks to run out over a ledge and just sort of hang in the air for a few seconds before falling, but all I got was a broken femur and spent about a year in traction."

"I'm sorry. Your spinal cord has been severed, cutting off all communication to your nerve endings. You'll never walk again.  Also, those glasses make you look like a nerd."

Local Man Can't Stop Watching Food Network, Starves To Death

Have you ever enjoyed watching food being prepared more than actually eating it?  Of course not!  And that's why you're still alive and kicking.  Or hopefully at the very least, petting cats too hard in the wrong direction.

 We love cats, but love breaking their bones even more.

Prom Bungle Result of DJ's Costly Mistake

Prom is typically a night of spiked punch, regrets to-be-made, and a mediocre music selection, but for Porkchup High School, the night was thumping to an entirely different tune.  The drastically overpriced dresses had been purchased, the ill-fitting tuxes had been rented, and the pre-Prom chubs had been worked up by all the young lads hoping for some action.

River Chub: Nature's Half-Boner

Local Man Can Only Play Video Games On Easy

There comes times when we must challenge ourselves.  We must look deep inside ourselves and muster up the inner strength to overcome whatever obstacle lie ahead.  This can lead us to some shocking realizations about ourselves and how we react under pressure.  One man, Xavier Tarund, already knows these things about himself.  This is why Xavier can only play video games on the Easy difficulty.

"What do you expect me to do?!  Block that little ball with that line?  I'm not a miracle worker, Brad!"

Hitmans Hires Self To Commit Suicide

At roughly 7:32 yesterday evening in El Paso, Anthony Salahmi was found dead behind the dumpster of Don Wan's Chinese buffet.  Employees of the restaurant said they heard a ruckus outside and shortly after, a single gunshot.  "I ran outside to see what happened," explained busboy Chow Chin.  "I walk out the door and there he is, bleeding out of his face hole, all over the alley just after I hosed it out.  I didn't see or hear anyone running away, which I thought was weird at the time, but then I had to cook some eggrolls or wontons, some shit like that.  I guess I just sorta forgot about it until the cops showed up."

An unsupervised ruckus can end in disaster...or an orgy.

Telemarketer Racked With Guilt After Interrupting Dinner

Telephone salespeople are a lot like assholes...everyone has to deal with their shit at some point.  Also, most of the time they're just fucking assholes.  However, there is one telemarketer with honest intentions.  One saleperson with no gimmick, rigamarole, or hidden agenda.  Just some fucking guy trying to sell some fucking thing.  That man is Unf Whoomp.

Unf is neither of these two men.

Local Man Loses Asshole Virginity

From time to time, many of us find ourselves practicing basic personal hygiene.  Whether it be a bath, a shower, or simply hosing ourselves off with our own urine, we all need to spend a little time alone, scraping mystery crud off of our bodies.  These moments of solitary cleaning can reveal some startling things about ourselves and drive us to great lengths to correct these shortcomings.  For one man, it involved diving a little deeper to someplace a little smellier.

Nope, not here.

Serial Killer Promises To Probably Never Do It Again

San Antonio, TX-The sounds of celebration can be heard throughout Tejha Penitentiary today after the parole board's decision to finally grant freedom to notorious serial killer, Dwayne "Goo-Face" Grum.  Inmates, guards, and even the warden joined in the festivities to say farewell to the longtime deathrow resident.

Celebrate good times, c'mon!

Overturned Yogurt Truck In Strawberry Field Remains Unmoved

At 3:17pm yesterday afternoon, a delivery truck for Yoplait jack-knifed and overturned along Route 44.  This accident caused several thousand gallons of plain vanilla yogurt to spill out of the truck and down a nearby slope in a thickened dairy avalanche.  Traffic was forced to a complete halt and emergency vehicles soon arrived on the scene.  "This is the worst yogurt spill I've seen in my time on the force," said Deputy Cheb.  "And I was right smack dab in the middle of that whole Go-Gurt massacre."

Yogurt in a tube?  BLASPHEMY!

Local Man Diagnosed With Hulkamania

Late last night, Garret Jumbrow was rushed to St. John Popper's Memorial Hospital's intensive care unit.  He was complaning of intense chest pains, skin discoloration that mimicked that of a hot dog, and an insatiable desire for a serious smackdown.  "The symptoms Mr. Jumbrow is exhibiting are textbook examples of late-stage Hulkamania," explained Garret's physician, Dr. Poop.  "It's a damn shame we didn't catch it sooner.  We could have suplexed that sucker right out of Garret, but now, unfortunately, it has spread to his lymph nodes and well...there's not much hope for him.  All we can do is pray that Suburban Commando isn't on cable this week."

A typical day in the life of the Hulkster.