Hitmans Hires Self To Commit Suicide

At roughly 7:32 yesterday evening in El Paso, Anthony Salahmi was found dead behind the dumpster of Don Wan's Chinese buffet.  Employees of the restaurant said they heard a ruckus outside and shortly after, a single gunshot.  "I ran outside to see what happened," explained busboy Chow Chin.  "I walk out the door and there he is, bleeding out of his face hole, all over the alley just after I hosed it out.  I didn't see or hear anyone running away, which I thought was weird at the time, but then I had to cook some eggrolls or wontons, some shit like that.  I guess I just sorta forgot about it until the cops showed up."

An unsupervised ruckus can end in disaster...or an orgy.

Telemarketer Racked With Guilt After Interrupting Dinner

Telephone salespeople are a lot like assholes...everyone has to deal with their shit at some point.  Also, most of the time they're just fucking assholes.  However, there is one telemarketer with honest intentions.  One saleperson with no gimmick, rigamarole, or hidden agenda.  Just some fucking guy trying to sell some fucking thing.  That man is Unf Whoomp.

Unf is neither of these two men.

Local Man Loses Asshole Virginity

From time to time, many of us find ourselves practicing basic personal hygiene.  Whether it be a bath, a shower, or simply hosing ourselves off with our own urine, we all need to spend a little time alone, scraping mystery crud off of our bodies.  These moments of solitary cleaning can reveal some startling things about ourselves and drive us to great lengths to correct these shortcomings.  For one man, it involved diving a little deeper to someplace a little smellier.

Nope, not here.

Serial Killer Promises To Probably Never Do It Again

San Antonio, TX-The sounds of celebration can be heard throughout Tejha Penitentiary today after the parole board's decision to finally grant freedom to notorious serial killer, Dwayne "Goo-Face" Grum.  Inmates, guards, and even the warden joined in the festivities to say farewell to the longtime deathrow resident.

Celebrate good times, c'mon!

Overturned Yogurt Truck In Strawberry Field Remains Unmoved

At 3:17pm yesterday afternoon, a delivery truck for Yoplait jack-knifed and overturned along Route 44.  This accident caused several thousand gallons of plain vanilla yogurt to spill out of the truck and down a nearby slope in a thickened dairy avalanche.  Traffic was forced to a complete halt and emergency vehicles soon arrived on the scene.  "This is the worst yogurt spill I've seen in my time on the force," said Deputy Cheb.  "And I was right smack dab in the middle of that whole Go-Gurt massacre."

Yogurt in a tube?  BLASPHEMY!

Local Man Diagnosed With Hulkamania

Late last night, Garret Jumbrow was rushed to St. John Popper's Memorial Hospital's intensive care unit.  He was complaning of intense chest pains, skin discoloration that mimicked that of a hot dog, and an insatiable desire for a serious smackdown.  "The symptoms Mr. Jumbrow is exhibiting are textbook examples of late-stage Hulkamania," explained Garret's physician, Dr. Poop.  "It's a damn shame we didn't catch it sooner.  We could have suplexed that sucker right out of Garret, but now, unfortunately, it has spread to his lymph nodes and well...there's not much hope for him.  All we can do is pray that Suburban Commando isn't on cable this week."

A typical day in the life of the Hulkster.

Medical Breakthrough Debunks Fruit-Related Myth

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".  This commonplace advice has been around for years and years in order to get children to eat their fruit.  Recent news has proved this to be untrue as extensive testing revealed the dangers of overconsumption of apples.  "Two apples a day, that'll give ya a mean case of Dick Cancer," explained Dr. Henry Lawlin, the leading physician at the Medical Center of Medicinal Medicine in Austin, Texas.  "Three?  Well if you're going around eating three apples, you won't have to worry about the side effects because you'll be dead.  Yup.  Dead as shit."

Evil has a new face, but it's not a face...it's a peel...or like, weird fruit-skin stuff.  It doesn't matter, just don't eat apples anymore, okay?

Local Man Feels Betrayed By VHS Tape

While "just browsing" at his local thrift store, Todd Barley decided to pick up a VHS tape for the irresistibly low price of $1.00.  The film was Bob Uecker's Fun Moments In Sports.  "I couldn't resist," said Todd.  "Just a buck for all that sports-related fun.  What a deal."  Fun Moments In Sports had sat untouched for many months on the bargain shelf, but employees were relieved to see it go.  "At one point, I thought I was going to have to buy it just to get the damn thing out of here," confessed a young volunteer who works primarily in trying to get the "piss and death" smell out of the clothes that people donate.  "I'm really glad that tape finally found a home."

We're laughing already.

Humanity Given Do or Die Scenario, Chooses Death

The future is uncertain, that much is certain.  Well, for you guys anyway.  Strange Times is lucky enough to have an entire squadron of fortune telling gypsies at our disposal.  We were bored the other day so we decided to get a play by play on how the world is going to end.  Ya know, for fun.  What we discovered is that the world will indeed be ending in 2012 and mimics the film, 2012, quite accurately...except for one blaring difference.  Nobody survives.  Intrigued? Read more!

These three?  Oh yeah, they definitely die.  Especially that little girl.  She gets it the worst.

Authorities On Statewide Hunt For Man That Recently Got A Hair Cut

CHICAGO, IL-Area officials have ordered all available officers in the state to drop what they are doing and turn their attention to a man responsible for a grave criminal offense.  At 3:30pm yesterday afternoon, mattress shop owner, P.C. Batter reported a "freshly groomed man" entering his store.  "Just by taking one look at him," described Batter.  "I could tell this guy was bad news.  His side burns were way too sharp and he didn't have any neck scruff.  Like...none at all."  After milling about for several minutes and pressing his palms down on Batter's wide selection of mattresses, the man selected one that was not too firm nor too soft.  "Ah, yeah.  The Sleepmaster 450.  That's one hell of a model," said Tommy Rogers, a shopper who was at the store at the time of the incident.  "I'd love to be laying down on one of those every night, but not on my salary.  Nah, that's a real luxury bed.  Whoever this guy is, he's got good taste."

A fine mattress is like a fine wine covered in dead skin cells and dried ejaculate.