Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Government Announces 'Spensive Renovation

In a shocking and sudden press conference this afternoon, plans were revealed for a government project that would cost nearly several many billion dollar bills probably.  "No more stairs," announced Antoine Anchove, Secretary of Steps.  "The charade has gone on long enough.  From now on, it's escalators all the way, baby."  A record number of gasps were reported.

Calf Activists have gotten up in arms about the project, citing it as being "anti-leg" and "a treacherous nudge towards national pudge".  Others have accused the government of reckless spending and a shortage of anal probing in post offices.  "When I gotta go to the second story of a building, goddammit I want to walk there," said an elderly patriot.  "Not ride some newfangled machine.  That's the America I know and the one I fought to preserve."  Legless veterans were not so quick to dismiss the plan.

"I don't know.  Might be cool."

Loafologists were at a loss for words at the breaking news.  "We're expecting a huge influx in the global laziness levels," said Pete Proud, a professional pro in the field of Bumming Around and Not Doing Much.  "Once you take away not only people's need to use the stairs, but the option, you are really tempting fate.  Next thing you know, there will be machines to chew our food, relieve our bowels and tug on our knubs for us."  When presented with a handheld electric vagina, Proud could not be bothered.  He left us with the closing statement, "Uhhhnnngggfff.  Oh, robot baby."

The government has yet to give a clear reason why they're enacting this cockamamie scheme.  "During these tough and trying times, it seems not only irresponsible, but idiotic to go forward with this," said Chung Fun, a suspicious looking fellow with what can only be described as "shifty eyes".  "As a citizen of this great nation since birth, I consider it to be a colossal undermining of the intelligent people in this fine country."  Fun was immediately taken in by the FBI per our request.  We were heralded as heroes for our valor.

He gave us a look like this.  We took it as, "Thank you."

Despite vehement opposition to the plan, construction has already begun.  Soon fanny pack wearing, varicose-veined voters can flock to malls like moths, no longer thwarted by the threat of physical exertion.  Thank god for that.  Now we can all breathe in the glorious odors of flapping fat folds and nacho cheese lip crud.  Let us admire these beautiful blobs as they majestically ascend to the heavenly heights of the fifth floor candy store.  Stimulating our economy, motivating our diets and ruining our appetites so there's more Sbarro for them.  Flab on, fatties.  Flab on.

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