Man Announces To Officially "Keep His Grubby Paws Off Himself" For The Next Two Weeks

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Local Man Can't Imagine What It'd Be Like To Be Really Fat

Last Thursday evening, Nicholas Frep was watching television with his brother-in-law, Doug.  They were watching the new hit cable series, A Truck: I Weigh As Much As One, a show documenting the everyday struggles of several tremendous human beings.  During a commercial break after the opening credits, Doug leaned over to Nicholas and asked, "Jesus, can you imagine being that fat?"  Nicholas thought for a moment and realized that he could not.  "I've never been in fantastic shape," said Frep.  "But I'm not overweight or anything like that.  I've been doing a few crunches every morning and trying to cut back on the junk food.  I just can't imagine what it'd be like to be obese."  In the show, a 900 pound man was introduced who hadn't left his bed for months because he had gotten too heavy to walk.  "Why didn't he stop eating?" questioned Frep.  "Like...I don't know.  I like food, but if I miss breakfast it's not a huge deal."

Nicholas spent the next 43 minutes of the episode contemplating his own physique in total silence.  "I was just trying to start a conversation," said Doug.  "Me and Nick don't talk too much.  I thought it was a pretty straight forward question, but I guess I never really imagined it either.  Being extremely overweight would probably be sweatier, but you know...I don't really know."  After the show ended, Nicholas excused himself from the living room.  Doug, having prior engagements to go out to dinner with his wife, let himself out through the front door, but not before catching a glimpse of Nicholas in the upstairs bathroom strapping a pillow to his stomach with a belt.  Doug said nothing.  Not even goodbye.

"I want to understand," said Frep.

Hell's New Punishment Deal Good For Most

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Local Man's Financial Dilemma

The economy is in the toilet, that much is certain.  Stocks, mortgages, and tax breaks are all...fucked up.  Uh...we need more bailouts too.  Or less of them.  And...um...the national treasury is being depleted by left wing conservative moderate socialists who are trying to use the Constitution to mop up after their circle-jerks.  What we're trying to say is that no one can possibly understand the government, not even the people running it.  Anyone who says they know something about anything is guaranteed to be 100% full of shit.

We may not know much, but we know that this means something sucky is happening.

Hassle Addict Reaches Breaking Point

Late week, Benji Towne, totally lost his gord.  For Benji's entire life, he has loved hassles.  He loves being hassled and he loves hassling others.  Basically, he just likes making life more difficult for himself and everyone around him.

He has cited David Hasselhoff as his role model because "No one else has a name with Hassle in it...I guess he spells it Hassel, but I'll take what I can get."

30-Second Headache Medicine

The latest headache relief medicine on the market has been pulled from shelves all across America in the largest recall since the Great Poopsicle Scare of '76 (yes, Poopsicle).  It turns out that the drug advertised as 30-second headache relief does not actually cure headaches in 30 seconds, but rather only cures headaches for 30 seconds.

"Ahhh, finally my headache is...wait, fuck.  It's back again."

Cop Comes Out of Retirement to Bust Pot Smokers

Yesterday afternoon, Phil Warren, a retired police officer, was grocery shopping with his wife.  Warren had been on the force for nearly 50 years before they forced him to retire because by that point they just couldn't pay for his Ben-Gay addiction anymore.  Warren had been a hero in his prime.  Taking down perps, following leads, and doing other things that movies have told us police officers do.  He is most known for his 1978 Drug Bust that led to the recovery of sixteen tons of stolen Viagra.  That was a hard year for everyone...HEYOOO!

"You have the right to remain erect.  Also, remember what time it is because I've been lugging this thing around for awhile now and I'm starting to get worried about that whole 4-hour boner thing."

X-ray Glasses See Through Existence

Recently, a man, one Victor Glimp, bought a pair of X-ray glasses from Laughski McLoaf's Joke and Prank Emporium.  Glimp bought the glasses since he had already bought many products from McLoaf's, including his prosthetic penis, which has more than paid for itself in laughs alone.

Yup, now you've seen a prosthetic penis...congratulations.