Child Gets Everything He Wanted For Christmas

This morning marked another successful holiday season for 9-year-old Bradley Baker.  Several weeks ago, his mother grilled him on what he wanted for Christmas.  Even though Bradley had recently seen a TV special about the joy of giving, not getting, and told his mother he didn't need anything besides his family, she insisted.  On the list Bradley had included a baseball glove, a set of colored pencils, and a new toy truck since his old one had lost a tire when he brought it to the beach that one time.

Shown: The Beach

Local Man Doesn't Like Snow

Snow.  Also known as Sky Cum.  Also known as...nothing else.  Those are the only two words for snow...the ONLY two words for snow.  Eskimos have been lying to us for years.  Regardless of what you want to call it, this morning all of you surely ran to the window in a flash, tore open the window, and threw up the sash to see the freshly fallen wintertime cloud crud.  

Be careful what sashes you throw up...some kids are tattle-tales.

Presidential Candidate Kisses Baby...On The Lips

Republicans and Democrats alike were shocked last week at a presidential rally when the Fascist Party's own candidate, Jacob Karloff, kissed a baby.  Now, baby-smooching has been associated with elections for decades, no one is disputing that.  What is being disputed is the placement of Jacob's kiss.

Who's up for a round of Pin the Fascist Lips on the Infant?

U.S. Postal Service Sued Over Stomach Ache

During this time of year, the mail tends to get a little wacky.  Thousands of letters are sent to Santa, thousands of letters to Santa are being shoveled into an incinerator, and of course, the overwhelming abundance of packages being shipped to and fro.

Fro.  The worst kind of package to receive.

"No More Sad Endings" Announces MPAA

Everyone loves movies.  Except the people that don't and well, who the hell do they think they are?  Movies give us a chance to experience things we would never do on our own, like for instance, saving someone from a burning building.

Psh, only in the movies.

Man Possessed By Holiday Spirit

Finally!  The holidays are here, people.  They are among us.  They are...invading our souls?  YES!  You know that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you're sitting around the fireplace with your family, opening gifts, drinking hot cocoa?  That initial gasp and jumping of your heart when you see how the first snow has transformed your backyard into a winter wonderland?  All of these things that you thought were heartfelt, tender moments are in actuality...your ass being possessed by holiday demons.

"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!"

Lottery Notifies Man!

You may or may not already know this, but money doesn't come out of nowhere.  It doesn't grow on trees...well, it does on our trees, but we had to do deplorable things to earn that.  For the common man, there are a few different ways of making money with little to no effort whatsoever.  Depending on the elasticity of your anus, you may have a few more options than others, but for those of you who would like to keep your digestive track on the inside, you could always try your hand at...the lottery!

Prepare to be power-balled in and around the face and neck.

Man Doesn't Like Horseback Riding

Equestrianism refers to the riding of horses, whether it be recreational or competitive.  Why are we telling you this?  Hold on a second for fuck's sake, you overactive, hyperass sugardick.  We'll tell you in good time.  You may have noticed our absence lately.  Your mom told us you were heartbroken and that you spent hour after hour, day after day on the computer, waiting for a new article and wiping up your tears with the same soiled tissues you used to sop up your wasted baby-juice.  We sincerely apologize, but we have a good excuse.

Where's yours?  We know for a fact you didn't accidentally type "AnalCookieWeinerMilk" into your search bar.

Strange Times has been taking a bit of a vacation.  The daily battle of producing hard-hitting, soft-fondling news overwhelmed us.  Everywhere we looked we saw news that needed reporting on.  Local man scratches ass, local woman smells local man's finger, and the list goes on and on.  It came to be that we were writing 24 hours a day.  The only sustenance we had at our disposal was old issues of Pregnant Parades, which we happily consumed and later shat out in the form of new articles.

Ahhh, the old typewriter.

It got to a point where we couldn't take it anymore.  In fact, we still can't take it.  You people have no idea what it's like!  The kind of pressure we're under!  Every day is filled with torment and agony in the form of fake news stories about monsters and bullshit that you probably don't even read or care about!  You all sit at home in your nice warm wombs and laugh at our plight!  Well we're tired of being unappreciated.  We're calling it quits.  Consider this the last sentence that Strange Times will ever write:  NO!  We're not even going to give you the satisfaction of writing a final sentence.  We're just going to end it really abruptly and awkwardly and leave you feeling really uncomfortable and unsure if---

First Date Disaster Hospitalizes Couple

It's true what they say: Love is blind.  Oftentimes there's nothing you can do to seek it out.  All you can do is put yourself out there and hope that something sticks, literally and figuratively.  You just gotta whip your dick out and charge forward with a blindfold on, praying that you put your automatic meatgrinder away.

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

Strange Times Falls in Love

Here at Strange Times, love is important.  Sure, we talk a lot about the futility of mankind and the hopeless plight of humanity, but we're actually suckers for all that mushy-gushy stuff. Whether you're discovering your soulmate in the sea of loneliness known as life or if you're just rubbing one out into the toilet during your lunch break, you've just gotta have a special someone that you can hold near and dear.

Not asking her name is our biggest regret...we just hope she's happy.

Walt Disney's Corpse is Reanimated! Dies Moments Later.

On December 15, 1966, Walt Disney died.  Children everywhere threw tantrums and many cartoons were left without homes.  Within just a few short months, Mickey Mouse was spotted slinging crack in bad part of town and Goofy was buying it up in bulk quantities.  Donald Duck was detained at an airport in Miami with a pound of heroin rammed up his tail feathers.  Snow White and The Seven Dwarves exploited a very narrow audience with their fetish website, "dwarfdongs.com".  Maulings in the Animal Kingdom skyrocketed and Epcot...well Epcot did nothing because it's full of cold, emotionless robots. 

Welcome to the Thunderdome.

Trick-or-Treating: Everything You Need To Know And More!

Prior to you reading this article, we would like to make it known that we are fully aware it is the day after Halloween.  What are you gonna do?  Tell the Calendar Police?  ...oh shit, please don't tell the Calendar Police.  If we get one more infraction on our record, they're going to lynch us.

The Calender Police forgot your birthday, but they always remember your deathday.

Headless Horseman Found Dead in Park, Every Teenager in the World Under Investigation

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Haunted House Reprimanded For Being "Too Fucking Scary"

There are so many ways to honor Halloween.  You can put on a spooky mask, watch a spooky movie, or visit Cisco's Spook House and get the spook scared out of you and onto your underwear.  Cisco's is...or was the longest running haunted house in the country until it was closed down last week.  No one is sure if it will reopen next Halloween or ever again.

It looks like we're just gonna have to find another way to get our "spook" out.

"Scanners" Exploding-Head Guy Becomes New "Face" of Tylenol

Kid screaming in the backseat?  Wife nagging about unpaid bills?  Captors clobbering you in the head with a claw hammer?  If so, you've probably got a pretty splitting headache.  And if not, it means you're deader than a doorknob.

When will this massacre end.

Cenobite Party Runs For Office In 2012 Presidential Election

In 1987, Clive Barker wrote and directed Hellraiser, a movie based off his own book, "The Hellbound Heart".  The film followed Pinhead and his band of Cenobites and how they are light years more badass than Jason, Freddy, or Michael.  These sadists (or saviors, depending on how you look at it) reach our Earth via the Lament Configuration a.k.a. the Puzzle Box.  Their goal?  To bring a combination of pain and pleasure to the person who summons them.

Also, to look fucking awesome in S&M gear.

Local Dude Claims He's Not Gay

Andrew Efflump wore a pink shirt several months ago.  When jokes began that only men of the homosexual persuasion wore pink, he responded by saying, "I'm just secure enough with my masculinity to wear pink shirts."  Friends accepted this logic, but were left guessing when Andrew began wearing assless chaps.  When confronted, Andrew again claimed that since he was so comfortable with how "not-gay" he was, wearing leather bondage gear did not make him gay.  Those who knew Andrew closely dismissed his odd behavior, but were forced to yet again question his sexuality when he began publicly kissing men and having anonymous group sex at widely known gay clubs across the city.  Andrew's loved ones sat him down and explained to him that it's perfectly natural and they will support him in any way that he needs.  Andrew became overwhelmed with fury and punched the wall, but then grew concerned that he may have chipped one of his recently manicured fingernails.  "I don't get why everyone is calling me gay.  Just because I have sex with dudes basically every day of my life, that does not make me gay.  It's just that I'm so unbelievably straight that it doesn't matter if I have sex with dudes 100% more than I have sex with chicks...I'm still straight.  I feel sorry for some guys that are insecure."  When the theory that he may be bi-sexual was presented to him, he said, "No way!  I'd never fuck a cat!".

When asked what this picture looked like, Andrew was convinced it was "just two friends playing Lip-Touchies".

It appears there are a lot of things Mr. Efflump isn't quite clear about and we sure as shitfuck aren't going to be the ones to explain them to him.

Man Sells Lifelong Collection! Sort of.

It may sound morbid, but Strange Times finds that the largest nuggets of comedic gold often come from downtrodden men whose luck is so down that it's nearing the region of becoming a truck stop cliché.  We don't know why, but there is nothing quite as funny as shattered hopes and crippled dreams that are dying in an alley with no one but the roaches to give the eulogy...except maybe that one movie with the talking dog.

Nope, this is much funnier.

Shopper Heroically Survives Weeklong Ordeal

This morning spelled relief for local shopper, Crisp Latch, after a weeklong struggle that tested will to survive.  A week ago, Crisp was grocery shopping at Floor-Mart, where the prices are dirt cheap and the floors are, well...just covered in dirt.  Latch admits to straying from his list a little bit because the deals on latex gloves were "just too good to pass up".  There was a brief discrepancy between Crisp and the clerk at the checkout counter regarding the expiration date of a coupon.  They eventually agreed that the coupon was indeed still valid and that the 8 had just been smudged to look like a 3.  Satisfied with his extreme shopping savvy, he exited the store.  Struggling to push his cart, Crisp wondered if he really needed the five dozen TV dinners with fake vaginas built into the boxes.

He decided that it was a necessary purchase.

Strange Times' Interview With College of DuPage's Courier: The One They Didn't Publish

Recently, Strange Times' own bossman, Tom Orr, met with a staff member from College of DuPage's The Courier.  The Courier is a weekly newspaper that is seen circulating campus, lining birds' nests, and protecting hoboes' feet from the elements.  They caught wind of Strange Times and needless to say, they were begging for an interview.  Now, Mr. Orr typically does not reduce himself down to the level of commoners, but after a fair amount of groveling, pleading, and interview-earning rimjobs...he accepted, but only if it was on his terms.  He demanded to know how big the interviewer's penis was beforehand, "just to know where he stands"...they didn't tell us, but Orr followed through with the interview anyway.  He was walking on the proverbial sunshine after the interview, claiming that the article would finally break down the barriers between monsters and humans.  He went on to say that this was just the kind of publicity Strange Times needed to get our "Bill for Ghoul Equality" sent to Congress.  To our dismay, The Courier hit stands this morning with a fluff piece.  A mere quarter page in the Arts & Entertainment section.  Needless to say, we were outraged.  They referred to Orr as a "fresh man" at College of DuPage, which we can only assume means "simpleton idiot".  Talk of monster discrimination and the desperate need to renovate our sewers for better living conditions for C.H.U.D., was kept to a minimum, meaning they didn't put it in the article at all.  Strange Times is currently filing a lawsuit, but can't seem to find a lawyer willing to support us.  We've been told with all the crimes we have committed that we should count our lucky stars that we aren't in the electric chair, but we aren't satisfied.  The Courier avoided the truth and darted away from Orr's questions as quickly as a grizzly bear BJ can turn into a "nubbening".

High School Student Suffers Due To Penis Being "Too Big"

Everyone remembers high school for the insecure, overly dramatic, awkward shit-pit that it is.  Parties came and went without your attendance and the Kleenex company's profits soared because of your bouts of late night, self exploration. Kyle Burne, however, is forced to cope with a very different issue every single day of his teenaged life.  "My penis is just too big," he confesses.

AHAHA!  GET IT?!  BECAUSE ANOTHER NAME FOR ROOSTER IS...forget it.

Anti-Gay Marriage Activist's New Platform Gets Conservatives "Really Boned Up"

The battle for Gay Rights has been raging on for years and shows no signs of ending.  Harvey Milk, Johnny Cookie, and countless others have given up their careers, reputation, safety, and even lives for this cause.  Despite the outpouring of support gained over the years, ignorance and intolerance have continued to trump all progress.  The equality and fair treatment of homosexuals is something that is held very near and dear to Strange Times' heart.  The same cannot be said for major league fucknut, Troy Killian.  In 2006, Killian attempted to pass a bill that required schools to teach "fag, dyke, and homo" as vocabulary words in elementary English class.  He gained momentum with his book Gays: And Why I Don't Like 'Em, where he repeatedly calls members of the gay community "icky".  Most recently, though, Killian has been railing against gay and lesbian marriage with a new platform.

"Children with gay or lesbian parents will be deprived of Yo Mama jokes.  Yo Mama jokes are crucial part in a child's development and I think it would be irresponsible to take that away from them.  For example, if a child has two fathers, fellow students will be hesitant to make a Yo Mama joke because that the runs the risk of sounding downright silly if the child technically has no "Mama".  The same goes for a child with two mothers.  You may be thinking that with two female parents, the Yo Mama jokes would double in frequency, but that is simply not the case.  The child's peers may very well tell Yo Mama jokes at first, but there will likely be confusion as to what "Mama" the joke is aimed at.  Clarifying the uncertainty of the joke's intentional target will prove to be too much work for children and they will give up telling Yo Mama jokes entirely.  These jokes have been a staple in American culture for decades and taking them away will be detrimental to our nation's youth."

Fellow conservatives and homophobes praised the ingenuity of the argument.  Republican Senator, Michael Pentuppe, called Killian, "A freedom fighter and a patriot.  He's such a brilliant man.  He's got a great head of hair.  I hear he works out.  God I wanna suck his cock...I mean...I didn't mean...oh shit." 

Strange Times entire staff is planning a field trip to Killian's home in the suburbs just as soon as our shipment of lead pipes and baseball bats is delivered.

Giant Sand Worms Impede Volleyball Tournament

Nothing spells fun in the sun quite like balls on the beach.  The Phillips' County Women's Volleyball Club inteneded on defending their title as Conference Champions this Sunday, but has been delayed due to a sudden infestation of pesky man-eating worms.  These enormous sand worms are thought to have come up due to last week's recordbreaking rainfall.

This, but fucking huge.

Carnival Ends In Tragedy For Rural Family

Carnival attendees joined in mourning today after tragedy befell the Smitchsons yesterday while they were attending the annual Fall Family-Fun Festival in Lipps County.  Mr. and Mrs. Smitchson, Wes and Doloris, decided to take their only child, 12-year-old Jack, to the festival for a day of good clean fun.  Jack had been getting into a variety of "dirty fun" lately and this excursion was meant to bring the family closer together.

A breeding ground for disaster and STDs

Trouble began when Wes could not find a place to park.  City council had sectioned off the empty 3-acre lot across the street for parking, but it proved to be "slightly too small".  Rumor has it that Wes honked more than once at a man whom he thought was pulling out of his spot, but then decided not to.  "I came pretty early in the morning, so I could set up a few lawn chairs for the parade," explained the man. "After a few hours, I had breathed in a lot of exhaust fumes from the Tilt-A-Whirl and thought I should go home.  I got in my car, but then I was feeling a lot better, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to go home.  There was a Duran Duran tribute band I wanted to catch a little bit later."  

Meteor Threatens To Destroy Earth! Don't Worry, It Gets Better.

Think of all of the world's problems.  You can't think of any?  Are your eyes open?  They aren't?  Well, open 'em up, you fuckin' jagaloon.  There!  Now do you see?!  Now do you see the horrifying cess pool of despair that you've been wallowing around in?  Good.  Because it's all about to end.  We're going to make this brief because we have a lot of plundering and pillaging to catch up on before we're all destroyed.

"These deals are faaantastic!  It's almost like they're just giving this shit away!"

Couple Deems "Uncle Buck" A Classic

Yesterday was Fred and Tanya Murphy's weekly movie night.  Fred, being a lover of late 80's-early 90's comedies, decided to pick up Uncle Buck from their local video store.  Prior to last night, he had been told it was a classic, but he was skeptical.  Before viewing the film, Fred said "I'm not so sure.  I mean, John Candy is great and all...but as a wacky uncle caring for his brother's kids?  I just can't see that being funny."  Tanya's sister, Lisa, has seen Uncle Buck several times in the past and "couldn't believe" Fred and Tanya hadn't seen it.  "There's this scene with a pancake," Lisa told the couple.  "I can't even describe it.  It's hilarious.  I still can't believe you two haven't seen it."

Candy was named after John Candy.  Also, we imagine he smelled like Jujubes.

Upon watching the film, the Murphys were pleasantly surprised.  Tanya thought it was "sweet, sincere, and made me laugh."  Fred described his favorite scene, "When he punched the clown, I may or may not have choked on a piece of popcorn.  I rewound it and watched that part again."  Next week, the couple plans on watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off , but Fred doesn't know if it can live up to the hype.  "Okay, I'll admit I was wrong about Uncle Buck, but a movie about a kid skipping school...there's no way that's funny."

Death Rate of Douchebags Spikes, Grim Reaper Explains

Have you noticed lately that there aren't nearly as many fuckfaces roaming the streets? If you haven't, it's probably because you're one of them and you should expect to be killed very soon.  You may be saying to yourself, "No way bro.  I'll never die."  And with that, you're further enforcing our point.

The National Mortality Report was released over the weekend and has come out with some surprising statistics.  Evidently, tremendous assholes have shifted into first place regarding death rates.  Since the new year began, they have been dying in greater numbers and in rapid succession, often under mysterious circumstance. These unexplained deaths cannot be pinned to one specific group, but appear to target many cliques of various levels of douchebaggery.  The list includes Dumbasses, Smartasses, Indie Hipster Fuckbags, Frat Boy Meatheads, Cocksuckers, Shitheads, Shitdicks, Dickheads, Dickshits, Dicknoses, and is getting longer by the minute.

This guy has been killed so many times already.

New Educational Reform Vows To Make Smart Kids Smarter and Dumb Kids Stronger

Evolution is a beautiful thing.  From the dawn of life in the form of primordial slop to the upright walking piles of technologically advanced slop.  Over the years we've shed our furry coats, become sexier, and grown more streamlined.  The human race can only go up from here, people.

Or have we already achieved perfection?

Man Makes Voice Higher By Inhaling Helium, Laughs Are Had

Groundbreaking strides were made in comedy yesterday at Stacey Harris’ birthday party.  Stacey is a secretary at Smith and Smithe Accounting Firm and pizza, soda, and cake were served to mark her 28^th birthday.  Josh Duef, the office funnyman, took it upon himself to remove a balloon its string, poke a small hole near the bottom using a plastic fork, and breathe the helium deep into his lungs.  Then, magic happened.  Josh’s voice rose several octaves, mimicking that of a chipmunk.  Laughs were countless and knees were slapped until raw and chafed.  The boss gave him a raise on the spot because the ingenuity of the gag.  “It was so funny,” said R&D Supervisor Richard Quinn.  “He sounded like some kind of crazy baby or a cartoon bird or something.  That’s just like Josh.  Classic.”  Josh continued to empty balloon after balloon of their contents, but soon ran out of things to say with a high-pitched voice.  “Yeah, at first it was great, but then he started quoting "Mein Kampf" and making claims about Oprah owning slaves.  After that it sort of got really uncool.”  Duef has officially come out saying that he is hanging up his career as the workplace clown, making it the shortest-lived career of a comedian since Carlos Mencia…HEYOOO!

Middle School Student Sacrifices Dog To Volcano. Still Fails English Test.

7^th grade student, Francine Regahl, has been nervous about her test in Mrs. Heely’s English class for the past four days.  Despite the stress, Francine did not study even for a brief moment.  Instead, she brought her Miniature Schnauzer, Chopski, to Mount Vesuvius and dropped him in.  She hoped to please the gods with this offering so that they would grant her a passing grade on her test.  If she got a B, her mom promised to by her she would buy her a new “super cute” blouse.  The sacrifice was ineffective as Francine still received a 31% on the test.  “Mrs. Heely is such a bitch.  She only gave me that grade because she obviously hates me.  Only ugly people use pronouns anyway.”  The volcano has since erupted, killing thousands and leaving many more without a single worldly possession.  Survivors pin the blame solely on Francine and are begging her to pray for their salvation.  She responded with a resounding “Ew. Those people don't even have houses.”

Cold Sore Causes Mild Inconvenience

Geoffery Alapeachya has just realized a cold sore is forming on the right side of his upper lip.  He first grew aware of the oncoming ailment while taking a shower.  He was exfoliating his face when he felt a minor sting near his mouth.  It is only slightly tender to the touch, but guarantees to get more painful as the day goes on.  Chapstick has been considered, but he doesn’t know if that helps.  Reminders have been abundant from friends and family urging him not to touch it, but he has continued to fondle the bump.  “This is just not a good day for this.  I’ve got a meeting in a few hours and even though you can’t see the cold sore yet, I know I’m going to be thinking about it.”  Geoffery is bracing himself for lunch with his co-worker, Jerry, who will almost positively crack a joke about Herpes.  Also, he will more than likely make a witty observation about his ranch dressing looking like human semen.

3-Legged Race Regional Champions Undergo Drastic Surgery

Chet and Brett Habieber are known across several counties as the undefeated kings of picnic games.  Over the summer, Chet completed a triatholon while carrying an egg on a spoon.  Every morning for breakfast, Brett competes in a pie-eating contest and wins 1^st place.  The duo is most known for their dominating skill in the three-legged race.   They got their starts crashing family reunions and children’s birthday parties, but have since entered the big leagues by become top players in the Olympicnics.  However, their success is not all dildos and cream cheese.  The team of two were gracious enough to share their wise advice with us...“You gotta be quick, you gotta be strong, but above all, you gotta be smart.  And this ain’t the kind of stuff you can learn overnight.  No Sir-ee Bob.  You have to be born with the knowledge and the skill to become a picnic warrior.  If you don’t have that natural talent, just quit man.  Just give up now and save yourself the embarrassment.”

Geologist Finds New Mineral Along Expressway

Geologist Frank Raspie was sweating last week.  Not from working out, not from an awkward first date, and not even from vigorously masturbating...well, maybe there was some of that thrown in.  The main reason for his perspiration was the sheer pants-shittingly exciting excitement surrounding his most recent discovery.

This, but with shit.  Also, geology.

Depressed Filmmaker Sabotages His Own Film

Cinema is a beloved pastime around the globe.  It grants people a temporary exit from the dick-shrivelingly awful reality that is their lives.  There are no bills, no divorces, and no stepchildren with red hair who can't seem to grasp the concept that they need to put a clippy-thing on the open cereal pouch or else cockroaches will lay their eggs in your Honey Bunches of Oats. In movies, you can hop on the back of a majestic unicorn or uphold justice with a time-traveling cop.  Only in the movies, though.  Don't forget that.  If you try and pull that shit in real life, you'll end up ass-deep in a mental hospital, prison, or dead...or all three.

Also known as a "Charlie Manson".  What's that?  He's still alive?  Oh shit.

Small Town Artist Paints Masterpiece, But Won't Show It To Anyone

David Juluhpsie was inspired at a young age to pursue art in all of its forms.  Whether it be water colors, pastels, clay sculpting, or hurling his own shit at a blank canvas, David considers himself a master of all mediums.  He reached marginal fame with a photograph collection of his pets that was shown at his local community center's art fair.  Also, he won a coloring contest in 2006, but later had the award revoked on the grounds that he used a modified crayon to automatically color inside the lines.  

If your child colors like this, they are a dirty fucking little cheater.

A Guide to Women and How to Capture Them...And Their Hearts

Although Strange Times comes across as a lone organ pumping out foot after foot of moist, steaming news, believe it or not we are actually composed of many different writers from radically different backgrounds.  Men, women, children, hell we've even got a few dogs working around the office.  It is an honor for us to present the first of what we hope to be many independent articles written by some of the more colorful members of our staff.  First up is Elliot Fancifest. Elliot has been with us from the very beginning.  Despite a rocky start working as a janitor in our "Adopt-A-Death-Row-Inmate" program, he slowly worked, stabbed, and gouged his way to the top to become one of our most promising advice columnists.  He specializes in all things love oriented.  It doesn't matter what race or species you are.  It doesn't even matter if you have a pulse.  Elliot will get you the significant other of your dreams...by any means necessary.

WOMEN: Nature's Tastiest Treat! 

Hi there folks!  Elliot Fancifest here, or "The Love Spider" as many call me because of my ability to capture women in my web of charm and turn their guts into liquid with my venomous love acid.  I'm here to tell you a little bit about romance.  Romance is truly the spice of life, located right next to your oregano, cumin, and the methamphetamines that you sprinkle on basically everything.  Although rewarding, romancing the opposite gender is an art form that requires years of practice and a tireless work ethic.  It's not only about breaking down mental barriers, but building yourself up physically to cope with the strains that women can put on you.  Just last week, I sprained my ankle whilst chasing a girl through the forest, but more on that later.  What you must remember is that women are not so complicated.  If you give them gifts, they will be pleased.  If you give them diseases, they will be disappointed.  Just like any other creature in nature, if you wound them...they will bleed...mmm oh yes.

You may be wondering to yourself how you, a feeble, shriveled, fetus of a man can ever become a supreme woman-tamer like yours truly.  Sure, it is improbable that you will be become as virile as I, but not impossible.  Why, nothing is impossible with enough fishing wire and sedatives.  Remember that.  There's a quiz at the end of this.  That is just one of the many tips I will be discussing with you today.  Now listen up my sexually frustrated, underlying homicidal-maniac friend and before you know it you will be getting so many chicks that you'll run out of places in your house to store them.

You're going to want to invest in a room like this.

God Guilty Of Outsourcing Prayers

What do you do every night?  After you've downed your second family-sized bucket of triple fried fat crisps, you probably stumble up the stairs in a sodium induced hallucination.  After gargling the pre-vomit spit out of your mouth with a healthy splash of Mountain Dew, you slither your way into some grimy footy pajamas.  Next thing you know, you're on your knees next to your bed, ready to deliver a major prayer job to the big man himself.  You divulge all of your deepest, darkest secrets to him. Your dirty thoughts and your sick obsessions.  You beg for guidance, forgiveness, and peace of mind.  Little do you know that God is off playing croquet while you are putting yourself at his mercy. In fact, he doesn't even know you're talking to him. So where are your spiritual messages going if not to God?  It is more than likely that they are being received by one of the thousands of foreigners that Heaven has contracted to handle prayer-answering.

If only...if only.

Manufacturer Announces First Ever Brakeless Car

The air in the convention center was electric. The tension could've been cut with a baby carrot. It was the 96th Annual Sac County Auto-Erotic Auto Show and this year was one for the history books. Ever since Ford's Model T hit the streets, America's love affair with cars has been ongoing (minus that one year when everyone drove blimps...what a big step back for mankind that was). Automobiles don't judge us. They take us where we want to go, no questions asked. To our jobs, homes, brothels, and as of next Monday, hurtling off of cliffs and smashing into brick walls at breakneck speeds.


The last woman you'll ever kiss.

Hockey Team Releases Kraken During Playoffs

Every once in awhile, sports do something incredibly stupid. Whether it be Monday Night Football’s Infant Toss or Tennis’ Testicle Tourney, the world of sports is often one of little intelligent life. But late last week, Hockey really stepped up and caked on the dim-wittedness thicker than Burt Reynolds’ mustache.


They say it was forged by the Gods and then turned around and raped them all.

Second Coming of Christ Disappoints Many, Hollywood To Blame

Like it has been said in the scripture and so many awful, but reasonably priced Christian CD compilations, Jesus has indeed risen again. Many of us know of his not so recent run in with the Romans that resulted in him being abducted back to his home planet, Heaven. Due to the sudden influx of “mondo sinning” that we’ve all been doing, Jesus has been forced to return to Earth in an effort to save our dirty, dirty souls.


We don't know what's more of a sin, the fact that this exists or that we're looking at it.

Wolfman Charged With Indecent Exposure at Pet Store

Think about the worst thing you’ve ever seen? Get it really engrained in your frontal lobe. Drop everything you’re doing and just focus on this one traumatic image that has permanently destroyed your sense of comfort and wellbeing. Got it? Well no matter how many Uncle Frank’s kissing Uncle Harry’s or kittens getting run over by zambonis you’ve seen, that doesn’t stack up to what the employees and customers of Pep’s Pets saw last Thursday.


We can't stress enough just how bad it was.

Detective Duo Solves Mystery No One Cared About In The First Place

Justice was served with a side of law-tatoes when Private Investigator Steve Snoop and his partner Sylvester Sleuth finally ended their longest pursuit to date. These two crime-molesting lawmen have busted the nut open on such monumental crimes such as “That Guy Jacking Off On The Subway” and “Man Who Doesn’t Pick Up His Dog’s Shit”. They also apprehended “Lady Who Stole A Pen From Bank” last February. The woman claimed it was an accident and that she would gladly return the pen, but these two were so determined to follow through with the case that they got her the maximum sentence of 15 years on Rikers Island.


Think about this next time you take more than one free sample at the grocery store.

Horrorscopes

The universe has a plan for us all. Through the alignment of planets and depending on what kind of mood God is in, your destiny can be determined...


And this time, he's pissed.

Aries: Something inside of you is hatching! Kill yourself before it takes control of your brain!

Taurus: Untold wealth is coming your way! Unfortunately, it will pass right by you and be given to your enemies…they will use it to plot your downfall.

Gemini: Your wife is cheating on you with your own child…who she had with another man…who was actually another woman.

Cancer: You will get cancer and lots of it.

Leo: Do not read any horoscopes today or your family will be butchered by an airplane propeller.

Virgo: A long lost love will return to your life…with a gun.

Libra: Your track record for not being anally probed by Martians will end in the near future.

Scorpio: Something you’ve eaten today contained ready-to-hatch scorpion eggs. How do we know? We put them there.

Sagittarius: Your sexuality will take an unexpected, barnyard-themed turn.

Capricorn: We don’t even wanna say what’s gonna happen to you…you poor bastard.

Aquarius: Your lungs will contain significantly
more water at the end of the day.

Pisces: Your life will take an intriguing detour into a brick wall at 70 mph.

All of your lucky numbers are 666. When the moon is full, Lucifer will emerge from his dormant home in all of your souls and use your bodies as vessels for his minions to walk the Earth and carry out his dark deeds...congratulations!

Daredevil Duct Tapes Himself To Empire State Building, A Few People Are Moderately Interested

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Birthday Party Ends In Tragedy When Child Admits To Being Full Grown Man

The festivities had just begun at Bobby Bober’s birthday blowout. It was a celebration to mark his eleventh birthday…so the party goers thought. The balloons had been blown, but the blowing of minds, as well as other things that can be blown would come later in the evening. With candles lit, Bober’s mother, Janice, led the group of Bobby’s peers and relatives in singing “Happy Birthday”. Just as the last round of “cha-cha-chas” echoed into the mango colored sky of the setting sun, Bobby stood up. All guests fell silent as Bobby made an announcement. He revealed to his friends, family, and neighbors that he was not turning eleven, but in fact was turning thirty. This revelation was met with laughter at first, but matters soon grew more serious when Bobby wiped a thin layer of makeup off of his face that had been concealing his five a clock shadow.


Wham! Bet you didn't see that comin'

Hemophilic Man Gets Paper Cut, Begins Planning Funeral

Jose Rodriguez was dismayed earlier today to see that he had indeed gotten a paper cut on his left index finger whilst flipping through a Burlington Coat Factory catalog. He was looking for a new blazer when he felt a sudden pain, followed by a small stream of blood that began to trickle out of the wound.


Responsible for more deaths than you might think. Second only to JCPenny.

To most, this would be a minor ordeal solved by a simple band-aid, but Jose is a hemophiliac. This disorder means that his blood cannot clot and will continue to bleed indefinitely without proper medical treatment. In recent hours he has been on the phone with a local funeral parlor and cemetery. Doctors have urged Jose to come to the hospital and that his case of hemophilia is not severe at all. “We could fix him up good as new in like, ten minutes. I’m not quite sure why he thinks he’s going to die. It would take weeks for him to die from this wound. And even then he’d probably starve to death before this kills him.” Dr. Franz Lurt said. Mr. Rodriguez admits to being a chronic “giver upper” and often accepts defeat before a challenge is even presented to him. “I’ve lived a good life. I fully accept that this is how I’m meant to die. We all have a destiny and this is mine.” Jose said.

Rodriguez should be his receiving his casket later this week and intends on lying in it until he dies. We will update you on this story whenever that happens…it could be awhile.

Osama bin Laden Found In Unlikely Location

Osama bin Laden (born Osama bin Mohammed bin Whogivesafuck bin Awad bin Laden) will forever remain as a figure of evil in America's eyes. Since his organization of the 9/11 attacks, he has been at the top of every agency's shit list. A worldwide manhunt has gone on for years and thousands of hours of manpower have been expended. The search for this diabolical fiend has taken our country's freedom fighters to some of the most uninhabited areas on the globe. Little did we know that Osama was hiding within our very borders. Within our infrastructure. Living among us...well if you call hiding in a suburban family's closet living.


We sure do.

Squatter Becomes Roommate In Sitcom-Like Twist

Over the years, due to unemployment, homelessness, and pee covered toilet seats, squatting has increased by leaps and bounds. One man, James Wopp, experienced this phenomenon first hand. Wopp has lived in his high rise apartment for close to 3 years. Unbeknownst to him, Chris Pemp has been living there as well for the past 2 years. Pemp lost his job at the confections factory last December after he stabbed his co-worker in the temple with a sharpened candy cane. Since then he has ridden rails, eaten out of garbage cans, and trained pigeons to pickpocket tourists. Eventually he grew weary of street living and settled down in Wopp's attic.


The International Squatter's Symbol...or the logo for Nadsack Man.

At 12:01 AM on Friday, James heard rustling coming from his crawlspace. When he went to investigate, he caught Chris cooking the insulation from the walls to make his grandmother's famous Insulasagna and Asbestosalad. Pemp immediately spilled his beans, guts, and truth-testines to Wopp, admitting to have not only lived in the attic for nearly 27 months, but to have on several occasions used his bathtub while he was on vacation for fermenting grapes used in Chris' award-winning hobo wine. Wopp has taken the incident very well and does not hold a grudge. In fact, after the two sat down and hashed things out, they found they have more in common than they may have thought. Both are avid fans of sitcoms in which the characters are forced to live with an unlikely person. They saw this as a perfect opportunity to live out their shared dream.


Quit laughing. These two are moving into your guest bedroom.

Pemp has since been added to the lease and officially moved into the apartment. "It was a really easy transition. Basically all of my shit was already here. I'm very happy it worked out this way. If James hadn't been so agreeable and hospitable, I probably would have had to kill him." said Chris. The two have lived together for a little less than a week, but have become buddies. Rumors have begun circulating about their possible decision to become "best friendsies".

Local Man Deemed Wussbag By Council Of Manly Men

Crybaby. Pansy. Panty waste. Henry Groffe, or "Wittle Baby Henwy" as many know him by, has been called all of these things. Usually he took these insults with a grain of salt and never read too deeply into them, but recently he was summoned to Man Court to once and for all decide where he stood. The Council of Manly Men founded Man Court in the 1980's during a time of "killer action flicks" and bods so rockin' they made ACDC look like smooth jazz.

Their Lady Liberty.

Supreme Man Court Justice, Joe Plowski, said, "There's a lot of dudes in the world. Someone had to step up to put these nerds, geeks, dweebs, and losers in their place." At first, Henry refused to take part in such a degrading, vicious system, but he soon changed his mind when Judge Macho Man Randy Savage put him in a bodacious headlock and began noogie-ing him until his scalp was raw and bleeding. Henry sat in front of jury as they debated, argued, and wrestled to come to a conclusion. Judge Hulk Hogan said, "We can't just label this guy a wussbag. It'll destroy his life. Although...look at his bi's, tri's, and delts. Can you say, Flab City, USA. This guy's doughier than...than a really doughy pastry." Other members of the court include Dolph Lundgren, Ronnie Coleman, and Joe Piscopo (yeah, we don't know why he's there either). Henry was subjected to a polygraph test where he admitted his interests are gardening in jean shorts, painting portraits of his several cats, taking care of his grandmother, and butterfly hunting...although he claims to only do it for sport and always lets them go afterwards. This was enough for Man Court to make a decision and the verdict was unanimous. Henry is a Class A Wussbag and he has been sentenced to the maximum punishment. 10 years of random arm punches, 25 years of wet willies, and a lifetime of "poundings and major beatdowns". Henry was solemn after his fate was announced, but was in high hopes after he left the court room. "I think this marks a major turning point in my life. For years, I've lived in denial. Now that I finally know for a fact that I am indeed a wussbag, it'll make it a lot easier to collect stamps without being ashamed." said Mr. Groffe. Before he could get into his car, a local high school varsity quarterback wedgied him to the point of rectal collapse. Henry was rushed to St. Francis' Memorial Hospital and is currently in critical condition.

TIME Magazine Announces New Look

TIME, founded in 1923 by Briton Hadden and Henry Luce has risen above the rest to become the leading news magazine in the world. Over 25 million readers flip through their pages every week to get the what's what and who's who on global events. In mid-2006, Richard Stengel assumed power as managing editor. TIME has transitioned swimmingly between eras since its first issue, but Stengel has big ideas that he believe will take the magazine to a new high. They have officially announced that as of October 6th, TIME will be taking several interesting turns. "Porn," said Stengel at a press meeting, "Lots and lots of pornography. Also, more crossword puzzles." Investors and readers of the magazine questioned Stengel on just why he's uprooting TIME's longstanding professionalism and traditions. "It's 2010 and people don't care about news anymore. It's all happened before. Wars, famines, blah blah blah. What they want are tushes, ta-tas, and funny cartoons about dogs getting into various shenanigans." He has since fired the entire staff of TIME and filled their positions with employees from MAD Magazine, as well as The Onion. Strange Times has yet to receive a call, but that didn't stop us from sending Mr. Stengel a fruit basket. Yes, the fruit was injected with chemical nerve agents, but that's beside the point. Congratulations and best of luck to you, Mr. Stengel...you're going to need it.

They have released an early draft of their latest issue. Personally, we find it to be a cheaply replicated Strange Times...but whatever. Who cares what we think...fucking bastards.

Graverobbing: Not All Fun 'N' Games

So you’ve found yourself in dire financial straits, eh? We told you not to buy all that pricey hobo art, but you didn't listen. And now it seems that every day is slightly worse than the day before. As you shuffle across the kitchen floor that is littered with empty cat food cans (you don’t have a cat), you start to think back on all the people who directly contributed to this situation. Your parents for never teaching you the value of a dollar, your boss for not existing, and all of Europe for letting you backpack across it for a year instead of going to college. Your mailbox is piling up with bills and you have no money to pay them. Actually the bank repossessed your mailbox, so now they're just sort of piling up in your lawn to form an actual mountain of debt. You’ve reached the end of your rope…literally. You're thinking that death may be the only escape from this financial nightmare. But the bank took all of your rope, so you've resorted to hanging yourself by stapling tube socks together. As you step up onto a chair...what's that? The bank took your furniture too? Jesus Christ man, you really are poor. Maybe you should go through with this. Well, as you stand on your tippy toes in the center of your garage, your little eye spies something that could potentially solve everything. A lone shovel. You realize that you are an American and that you have pastimes and good old fashioned wholesome values to fall back on. This is the land of opportunity, god dammit! This great land is dangling its liberty-filled gonads in front of your face every single day. All you need to do is reach out and grab a handful of American Dream. Hot dogs, baseball, little cubes of frozen water that keep your liquid water cold, and of course, graverobbing.

That's it! You'll dig up corpses. You rightfully feel stupid for not thinking of it before. So you take a firm grasp of your shovel and head out the door, ready to get ankle deep in some post-humous mush. BUT WAIT! Graverobbing is far from being that simple. The media has glamorized grave robbing for years, but the truth is much less appealing. It's not all ancient artifacts, fighting mummies, and rock 'n' roll. It's dirty, thankless, backbreaking labor that is not meant for the faint of heart. So before you get out there and scam some stiffs, let us try to debunk some of the myths that surround this less than savory career. After we're through, you might decide that the sock-noose option is a better idea.


And if that doesn't work, you could probably kill yourself with this. This is no time to be picky.

Galactic Skin Shortage Hits Home

Skin. Soft, sensitive, and the most supple shade of pink. It’s truly a beautiful thing…well, sometimes. Sometimes it’s nothing but an ass-fugly sheet of meat stretched thinly across a lumpy, misshapen body; riddled with erupting boils, scorching rashes, and hair in all the wrong places. But whether you have the skin of a newborn baby or a wildebeest with an acne problem and dry elbows, it is still highly valuable. You might be wondering, “But who would want MY skin?” Good question considering what you do with that flesh rag you call skin in your free time. Is it the Melanoma Men from Mars? Nope. The Eczema People of Ethiopia? Not a chance. There is an intergalactic race out there that craves your skin like you crave someone to dress you up in a toga and call you Caesar…that’s right, we read your diary.

THE SKINLESS ASTRO GOONS FROM SECTOR FIVE! These heinous hide hunters have been roaming the galaxy for as long as skin has existed, so about a dozen or so years. Their home planet is in, you guessed it, Sector Five. Sector 5 is located in between Sectors 4 and 6, but is farther away than Sector 8 (a.k.a. really god damn fucking far away). Just imagine if you took a pebble or a small rodent of some sort, wound up, and chucked it, just like REALLY threw it with all your might towards Sector 5. It would actually be farther away than before you threw it. In Sector 5, the weather forecast makes the Lava Planet in the Galaxy of Humidity look like a beach resort in Boca. They have 30 suns and their days last the length of ten moons, but they don’t have any moons. Their environment is so harsh that their skin melts right off like butter on toast, revealing a bloody pile of space monster…much like toast does when it reveals its true form. So they have scoured the universe searching for skin suitable of their home planet. Rather than moving to any of the infinite amount of other, perfectly livable galaxies, they’ve decided to tear across the cosmos and leave more skinned knees in their wake than a multiple amputee rollerblading tournament.

Real Estate Agent Sued For Selling "Fake Estate"

Russell Tosso’s ads can be seen on buses, blimps, and underneath the tremendous asses of public bench sitters. His catchy tagline “Russell Tosso Sells Homes” can be heard chiming from every television set and radio across the country. He has smashed virtually every sales record and even sold his own home and left him and his family out on the street…just because he could. He sells houses so quickly that they are left feeling cheap, used, and violated like a filthy prostitute that you live in. But like every great fable dealing with a man who is really good at selling houses, he must have his downfall. Mr. Tosso has been summoned to court for the most disgraceful offense in the real estate world…selling fake estate. Fake estate is nothing more than…well, nothing. Gaping, absent holes in reality. Sections of the universe that were forgotten. These pockets of nonexistence are scattered across the globe and have been a homebuyer’s worst nightmare since they were first discovered. Russell’s coworkers, friends, and family were all shocked to hear these reputation destroying allegations brought against him. Russell has publicly made it known that he does not intend on pleading guilty and that he would “never stoop that low”. Russell went on to say “Have you seen my numbers? They are outstanding. Just last week I sold a multi million dollar home to an unemployed vagrant and the home wasn’t even on the market. I’ve sold property to babies for god’s sake!” Others did not share this optimistic viewpoint. Fellow salesman, Bob Cohnfield, said “In the past few months, we’ve really seen Russell start to slip. He ran out of things to sell, plain and simple. He started trying to sell trees to birds, caves to bears, that sort of thing. He rented out some of his desk space to an Armenian couple. It was really tragic. Everyone knows about fake estate, but no one ever really considers that as an option. It’s a slippery slope and once you start down that path, you don’t come back. It’s like heroin…or Glee.” Families affected by their purchasing of fake estate will be reimbursed for all of their inconvenience once they can be fished out of whatever alternate universe they have fallen into.

Police Recover Invisible Man's Body...they think

For several months now, an extensive investigation has been carried out in the disappearance of Dr. Mr. Professor Alexander Spample. Spample graduated from LeCroix University with a Doctorate in Biomedichemistrology in 1983. Since then he has pranced around the science community, mixing mixtures and shaking beakers. His most famous work came in 2000 when he earned the Nobel Peace Prize for creating a potent new form of cotton candy. This cotton candy was used in the building of stealth bombers and would encase pilots in a pillowy soft cocoon in case of high speed collisions with other planes, mountains, eagles, etc. Also, it came in other flavors besides Pink and Blue. For the past 10 years, he has become increasingly distant from the science world and spent his time working for pharmaceutical companies manufacturing top of the line drugs (male enhancement/child vitamins) all while working on his top secret project…invisibility. After many failed attempts that resulted in a sudden spike of skinless fetish websites, he succeeded in 2009 by making himself transparent, translucent, and all around balls-ass scary to everyone around him. The world got up in arms as he traipsed around doing all the naked things we wish we could do while naked…he’s always naked. Countless accounts of mysterious voices and even more mysterious dongs swamped police departments everywhere. An eyewitness to one of Spample’s exploits said, “My wife and I, we were sitting on my porch. All of a sudden, we see this floatin’ pair of underwear on the horizon. We didn’t quite know what to make of it. Then, we see them underwear just sort of drop to the ground. And that’s when I knew...I had a naked invisible man on my property.” The military has wept at all of the lost opportunities for warfare. General Nathan S. Pud came right out and said “That boy could be savin’ his country, but instead he’s playin’ with his junk in public. He could be a god damn American Hero…” After a few short months, he seemed to fall off of the grid entirely. Search parties were sent out in an effort to locate him, but this has proved to be quite the difficult task. They have equipped themselves with state of the art pool noodles and are waving them around as we speak, in hopes of colliding with the missing professor. An interesting turn was thrown into the case last week when authorities announced they were “almost positive they found the body of Spample”. The officer on duty who found the body said “It was like any other day on the force. I was walking on the beach, eating an ice cream cone, when suddenly I tripped over something. I turned to see what made me stumble and there was nothing there! After a few hours of intense investigation, I was like…70% sure that it was him. Maybe 60%. I mean, he is invisible after all, so I guess I can’t be sure, but…I’m pretty sure.” Does the body belong to Spample, another invisible man, or was it a plastic bag that brushed by the officer’s foot? These questions have struck fear into communities and people have begun arming themselves for the inevitable war that is soon to come between Invisible and Visible men everywhere.

Late Night T.V. Host Reveals Cult Scheme, Ratings Soar

Let us paint a picture for you. You are lying in bed, satisfied, having just proved that you CAN recite every line of Robocop 1 and 2. You are about to shut your eyes and drift off to a fanastimagical dreamland where you have no bills to pay, no dead end job, no crippling loneliness, no deep rooted abandonment/commitment issues, no patchy facial hair or receding hair line, no ingrown toenail that the podiatrist has operated on several times, but has not improved at all and in fact your toe has caved in on itself and earned you the new nickname “9 Toe Joe”…but we digress. And right as you are about to shut off your TV, something catches your eye. You have never ventured onto this channel before, but you couldn’t resist the double feature of robotic justice and now you are going to pay the price, you damned fool. A lone man sitting at a desk appears on screen. He is wearing a tweed jacket and you can see it in his eyes that he is not wearing anything below that. He begins to talk, but you hear nothing, as all of your attention has fleeted to the plastic bamboo plant in the corner. It sits quietly, mocking you as it casts thick, crisp shadows against the backdrop from the harsh stage lighting. For the next few hours, you are prisoner of this man unbeknownst to you. Late into the afternoon, you snap out of a comatose-like state. You scrape the inches of crust from the corners of your mouth and continue on your way. Voices circle your mind and urge you to steal, to kill, to buy name brand cereals. You can’t resist the temptation to take a pilgrimage to the abandoned summer camp two towns over. What happens in the next few weeks is all a blur of matching robes, suicide pacts, and cyanide laced, grape flavored Kool-Aid. If this scene sounds at all familiar, you have been brainwashed by late night television. Don’t feel bad, you aren’t the only one. Grown adults everywhere have fallen victim to Late Nights with Hubert Hastings. The FCC has been unable to find any breach of contract in how Hubert spends his time on air. Also, police have found no evidence to convict him for any crime whatsoever. In fact, we can’t seem to find a single person who hasn’t been turned into a mindless drone, sooo we guess there’s nothing any of us can do. We suppose that we will see you at the mandatory picnic for all members next week

Amusement Park Construction Comes To A Screeching Halt

For the past decade and a half, The Dingaling Bros. have captivated audiences everywhere with their three ring circus extravaganza. Whether it be the Man with the Hairiest Colon or the Women with the Least Womanly Features, there is surely something to please, dazzle, satisfy, or absolutely god damn disgust you at their festival of fun. As you may or may not know, Jeeber and Jober Dingaling have decided to expand their wacky empire of shenanigans with a full blow, jolly jiggling theme park…IN EGYPT! That’s right, nothing says “family fun” like the sweltering heat of the Sahara Desert that will singe your short and curlies like the wicks of candles atop a birthday cake on the surface of the sun. Once you get past the dream-raping horrors of snakes, scorpions, and scarabs, it’s actually quite pleasant. Unfortunately, construction has come to a dead stop on this project for the 5th time since November. What is the cause of this setback? Why an ancient curse of course! While laying the brickwork for the bumper car arena, one careless worker accidentally cracked open the tomb of a ruthless pharaoh, Ramses Boojamsies IV, whose accomplishments are working slaves to death, undoing thousands of years of progress on the pyramids by attempting to make them spheres, and melting more Nazi faces than Indiana Jones during a solar flare. The workers fled as dog-faced men and man-faced dogs (all with spears and intimidating abs) came bursting out of the sand. Workers made their strike official when a swarm of locust blocked out the sun, a pestilence cloud of disease ravaged nearby towns, and also the lunch truck ran out of chicken fried steak. The supervisor on the job discussed the possibility of outsourcing the project to an independent contractor. “There is an abundance of mummies at our disposal. Those preserved corpses are workhorses that will labor 24/7 for exchange for their worldly belongings that we have rightfully repossessed. The only problem is that in that hot sun, they go bad like full diapers on Bourbon Street, but for the time being we’d be silly not to exploit their decomposing asses…hold on, don’t write any of that down,” he said. The Dingaling Bros. remain optimistic about the future of their amusement park. They even opened it up to a small group from St. Mary’s Children’s Hospital to test out a few of the rides…there were no survivors.

Local Man Discovers Secret Society

Since the dawn of time, man has kept secrets from other men, but shared those secrets with certain men, but only if those men could recite some sort of secret word or perform a secret hand gesture in order to unlock the lips of the original man with the secrets in order to the hear the secrets he was keeping secretive in the first place. Last week, a secret came out that rocked the Society of Secret Societies to its very core. Jackson Crotch made the startling discovery about a secret society that was so secret, he didn’t even know he was a member. Not only was he a member, he was the founder and president of the club. “I don’t know how this happened. I don’t remember ever starting this club. I don’t think I’ve attended a single meeting. This whole thing is just very confusing,” said Crotch. Jackson’s revelation soon caused others to come out of the woodwork and admit to being official members of this enigmatic organization. Everyone from lawyers to judges, clowns to tomato farmers have come forth to reveal this club for what it is. One long time member explained that, “Well you see…the club is kind of like…Um, well we get together once in awhile and…uhhhh. Wait, maybe I’m not a member.” I guess we will never know when this society was started, how long it will last, and what exactly it is that they do.

Money Saving Guide For Ghouls

Early this morning, Monster and Munster Co.’s stocks plummeted a resounding 500 points, sending millions into a dire financial emergency. No business known to neither man nor monster has ever seen a plunge this bad. Stockholders have begun offering up cars, household appliances, and ever their souls in order to keep roofs over their heads. One man who sold his soul to the bank had this to say: “Yeah I sold my soul…so what? What is a soul anyway? Like…it’s just air or whatever. I’m not too worried about it…it’ll be fine.” This tragic economic downturn has been described by experts at “completely avoidable” and “a direct result of incompetence”.

We here at Strange Times have teamed up with industry professionals to compile a list of surefire, money saving lifestyle changes that are sure to keep a disaster of this caliber from ever befalling upon you:

1. DIET. No no no, you goof, this isn’t a weight loss article! Many people don’t know that the biggest expenditure in most households is food! That stuff you call sustenance, we call EXTRA BAGGAGE! Dump it all in the trash…all of it. We guarantee that you debt will wither away just as quickly as you do. Better yet, if you are going to get rid of every ounce of meat on your body, you might as well make a quick buck. There are plenty of street vendors who would be glad to perform a rudimentary surgery to remove that ponch of yours and you can auction it off to any number of eccentric city folks. If you are already in peak physical condition and have no fat to sell, try finding a fatty fatty boombalatty to harvest. Obesity is a growing epidemic that is not being cashed in on properly by 99% of most Americans. Be part of that other 1% and start chasing yourself some chubbies…with a machete. Now we understand that some of our readers are not willing or capable of cutting every last calorie from their daily routine, so our advice to you is to…

2. DOWNGRADE. In these tough economic times, no one can afford to sit upon their ivory towers, shoveling gold flakes into their raw and bleeding throat while laughing at the peons as they toil in the squalor below. Nope, not anymore. Not like in the good old days. We need to learn how to swallow our pride and maybe some cat food in order to send little Johnnies and Susies everywhere to college. Don’t cry over spilt milk, DRINK IT! Get down on your knees and lap up that moo juice because there is no way of knowing when that cash cow is going to come your way again. Instead of huffing and puffing your way to a mountain of bills with name brand cigarettes, roll your own! All ingredients from coffee grounds to rat poison can be found in your very own home….right under the sink…where kids have easy access to them. You think you’re above sleeping on a mattress that fell off a truck? Well you aren’t. Get off your high horse and embrace those discolorations and vibrant stains. It’s like sleeping on a rainbow…a urine, blood, and liquor soaked rainbow. If you are too accustomed to your current lifestyle and show no signs of ending your reign as Mr. Bigshot, then why don’t you try…

3. LEACHING. Become a money hungry parasite that grubs at other peoples’ wealth until the only thing that is left is an empty shell of what they once were. We heard that Jim next door makes more money than you. Also, he has a bigger house, prettier wife, and a slightly less raging infestation of pubic lice. Bet that makes you pretty mad huh? Well do something about it, cowboy. Next time he goes out of town, hold an estate sell on his property. That expensive leaf blower that he never let you borrow after that time he caught you making love to it? Sell it for 10 bucks! By the time he finds out what you’ve done, you will have bodyguards and butlers to protect you from any sort of repercussions. Not only can you leach off other humans, but you can continue to suckle on Mother Nature’s teet long into your retirement. Tired of wasting your time and effort bringing your used car batteries to the recycling facility? That’s time you could spend making some serious dough! Bury them deep in the ground and move on. Why pay for garbage disposal service when fire does the job quicker? But don’t just burn those plastic water bottles! Bring ‘em down the old, stagnant quarry and fill ‘em right back up again. During the summer, the neighborhood kids will pay big cashola for a refreshing beverage. Also, if you happen to drag up those missing bodies while your at it, CHA-CHING! Reward money!

That concludes our list of failure-proof guidelines for you to be on your way to a wealthier lifestyle. Once again you will be able to use your stove fueled by panda bears and your toilet filled with crude oil. In a few short weeks you will be just like your heroes plastered on the cover of Fortune Magazine, but you will be too busy traveling the world in a balloon to ever read the article. Just remember that when other call your actions “sheer lunacy”, we call them your ticket to “pure luxury”.