Thursday, February 14, 2013

Strange Times' Guide to Finding Love

Quick!  Stop pawing at your pud, put some pants on and get out there, champ.  We've stood idly by while you've single-handedly decimated even the slimmest chance you had of getting any action this Valentine's Day.  Staining your shirts with marinara (the unsexiest of sauces), cutting out exercise entirely (sleep sweating doesn't count) and suffering from a rare condition known as "Stink Flesh" (also, a chronic case of Ugly Face).  But all that's behind you.  We're about to give you a crash course in lovin', lustin' and if you don't screw it up, bustin' a nut all over that special someone.

Jewelry is nice, but lukewarm ejaculate is even better.
You may be saying to yourself, "But Strange Times, I already have a Valentine's Day sweetheart!  My life is basically okay, right?"  No, absolutely not.  In fact, your life is emptier than it has ever been.  We know what you normies are all about.  Overpriced dinner at some quasi-foreign chain restaurant, flowers or chocolate depending on how sensitive your date is about her morbid obesity and a dry handjob on a scratchy couch where the cushions slide out so you have to keep pushing them back with your ass.  You are a murderer of romance.  A fallen angel of effort.  Essentially, a hulking mountain of sexually frustrated trash hidden beneath a thin veil of pale meat with patchy facial hair.

At least this guy has a nice smile.  Da fuck do you got?

First off, you're going to have do something about that honesty of yours.  You might have been told in the past that women love a genuine man, but we're guessing whoever dropped that advice on you promptly banged every girl you ever cared about.  People like a jerk.  A lying, cheating dirtbag that will spew any amount of verbal bullshit to get what he wants.  It signifies confidence when you treat your partner like the worthless cum receptacle that they are.

Next time you go out on a first date, don't pay.  Don't even touch your wallet.  Order whatever you damn well please and urge her to splurge.  Fuck it, get dessert.  When the check comes, don't you dare cave.  DO NOT DO IT!  Sit there in total silence until eventually, like magic, she will reluctantly pay for the whole meal.  Play your cards right and she'll cover the tip too.  Now, she's invested.  After blowing fifty bucks on dinner, she's just about resigned herself to suffering through a few rounds with your unkempt genitals.  All those looks of disdain, huffing and sighs of disappointment will only boost your chances of getting down with her didgeridoo later in the evening.

Her roommate let us play his one time, but it tasted like dick.

After however many years you've been shamefully scuttling through life, you might have found a way to tolerate yourself.  Maybe you're even optimistic about the future.  What are you, nuts?  Your entire existence is a one-way trip down a dark alley with an anally-obsessed, knife-wielding maniac waiting at the end of it.  But SHE doesn't need to know that, does she?

When discussing your life, leave out all of those giant chunks where it royally sucks.  Painful break ups and dormant STDs have no place in this conversation.  Remember when you were young and people told you that you could be anything you wanted?  Well, you can't.  And everyone you thought loved you, doesn't.  Sorry you had to find out this way, but shit, you can hardly be the things you don't want to be.

"Goodbye and welcome to-.  Wait, I mean...FUCK!"
That's the beauty of meeting someone for the first time.  You can be anything!  If you unclog toilets for a living, say you're a doctor.  Telemarketer quickly becomes International Marketing Expert in the wild and wacky world of gettin' it in.  It really doesn't matter what you say so long as it's not the truth.  Nobody wants to hear that.

Spin her a yarn about somebody that even you'd want to fondle.  Tell her you usually have the body of an all-star athlete and only look bloated because you're carbo-loading.  Who cares?!  If you want her to love you for who you are, you're outta luck.  That's just not going to happen.  We sympathize, we really do, but if you wanted to be appealing this late in life, it might've been wise to avoid becoming a hideous sad sack of saturated fat and internet memes. 

SIDE NOTE:  Your penis is gigantic.  Remind her incessantly.  By the time she finds out it's not, it'll be barreling towards her squirming body.

FREEBIE: Hate your face?  Steal a better one!  With an axe!

If everything has gone according to plan, by now you're standing awkwardly on her front porch.  She'll likely be shivering in the frosty night air, but don't give up that jacket.  No way.  That's like an Asian child that knows missile launch codes in a hostage situation.  You hit the jackpot.  She wants what you got.  If somehow you haven't blown it and she hasn't caught on to your intricate web of alter egos and falsehoods, she just might maybe possibly invite you in.  BOOMSHAKALAKA!

Once you're in, you're in.  Whether it's for a stiff drink, some coffee or for her to show you her cat corpse collection, the moment you hear that door shut, urge her to lock it.  Inform her about a string of brutal murders that have occurred in her neighborhood recently.  Tell her you're the murderer if you have to, it really doesn't matter at this point.  Like we said, just get inside at any cost.  Plant yourself firmly on the couch and eagerly await her arrival to your lap.  Last we checked, police response time is 8-10 minutes.

Not even on your best day, buddy.
So there you have it.  A foolproof plan for wowing, whooing and eventually deep dongling any lady (or feller, for the one woman reading this) of your choosing.  No more lonely nights spent abusing your goldfish for you!  Just think about all the money you'll save on porn and prostitutes.  You'll be able to afford that beginner's science set you've always wanted.  Follow these steps and you will, without a doubt, seal the deal.  If not, make a deal with the devil.  If that doesn't work, find a drug dealer, buy all the heroin you can afford and inject it directly into your brain.  After all, isn't that what Valentine's Day is all about?

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