Monday, March 4, 2013

So You Wanna Be An Assassin: How To Kill With Class

Are you tired of hotshots like Martin Luther King Jr. and John Lennon traipsing around your town, making your life look mediocre in comparison?  So what if they're more talented and courageous than you?  Who cares if they can enunciate well in front of thousands?  None of that matters when a bullet drills through their cranial cavity, splattering innocent bystanders with blood and brain fragments.  That's where you come in!

President in a convertible?  You're practically asking for it.

For as long as revolutionaries have attempted to inspire, there have been guys looking to snuff them out like a candle in the wind.  Like a match in a cave full of moist bears.  Like piss in the ocean.  If any of that sounds appealing even in the slightest, a career in the wacky world of contract killing may be for you!  Executing powerful public figures has been our primary source of income for decades and we think that you're just the right kind of drone for the job.

By following these quick and easy steps, you will be hacking, slashing and blasting your way to super stardom in no time.  Now, before we start, you need to stop and ask yourself one question.  Do you have an umbrella?  If so, could we borrow it?  Thanks, we really appreciate it.  We swear we have one, but can't seem to remember where we put it.  Okay, let's begin...

Step 1:  Create A Persona

Every great killer has a trademark.  Whether it's as simple as positioning corpses around a card table or something weird like sticking baby carrots their ears, you need to stand out.  If not for the recognition, what's the point?  After any given slaying, you want to be able to flip open the newspaper and point directly to your handiwork.  This is a rapidly changing industry and we've seen plenty of fine young psychopaths get swallowed up in the competition.  We'd hate to see that happen to you.

In regards to fashion and overall style, there are a few important things to note.  Masks, though great identity concealers, will only obstruct your vision and make your lips all sweaty.  You may have seen assassins in movies and video games wearing flowing robes or slick suits, but that's just unrealistic.  If we had a nickel for every time we saw a guy get sucked into an industrial sized paper press because he wore a tie, we'd have about a dollar.

"Yeah, we're looking for the guy dressed like a dominatrix swan."
Step 2:  Decide Who Needs To Die

If you discover that you're the one who needs to die, kill yourself and you can skip the rest of this article.  But if somewhere out there is your own personal white whale just asking to be harpooned through the blowhole, then continue reading.  Every memorable murderer had something they were looking to get off their chest.  An arch rival.  Someone that stands for everything you want to cripple.  With most top secret government agencies, your target will be selected for you.  Though if you're lucky enough to handpick who will receive your hatred, choose carefully.  Nothing causes indigestion like a misinformed mangling.

If you're struggling with this step, try to think of what makes you different.  Make a list of features, physical or otherwise, that help you stand out in the day-to-day grind.  Hate your face?  Steal one from your favorite celebrity or prime minister.  Teased about your weight?  Only target swimsuit models and fitness gurus.  Avoid cliches like necrophilia and mommy issues.  Become a harbinger of death, but keep in mind this is the digital age.  Your actions will be recorded, reviewed and assigned an appropriate trending hashtag.   Stay original, even if it means slitting the throats people you otherwise wouldn't have an issue with.

#dead #dying

Step 3Kill Someone

This is the fun part.  Where all of your training pays off.  Where you finally get to bury the barrel of your gun into that sobbing priest's mouth and exact your vengeance on him for not molesting you all those years ago.  It's a thing of beauty that, if you're lucky, will go down in history.  Ledges, ladders and open windows are your best bets for penetrating any type of defense.  Don't be afraid to get dirty when utilizing disguises.  Some rookies will tell you that if you knock out a security guard and steal his uniform, you don't need to put his underwear on.  Don't listen to that loser talk.  Slip into those skivvies and assume the role.  It's all about dedication.

Whether it takes place in the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen or gym, you must be prepared for any number of variables.  Also, depending on your location, you are allotted a certain degree of spontaneous creativity.  Perhaps you had banked on hurling a toaster into their bathtub, but discover that it'd be way cooler to smash their head in a car door.  If deviating from the plan means the difference between a good or grisly crime scene, by all means go for it.  The key thing is: no open caskets.  You want to not only destroy their presence in this mortal realm, but whatever lies beyond.  Butcher, brutalize and bastardize their memory.  After all, this is your show. 

Teddy bears and candles?  Bitch, I'm dead.

Step 4:  Handle The Press 

In our experience, letters written in blood, breathy phone calls and leaving the police chief's severed head on the steps of city hall seems to get your point across more than any manifesto ever could.  Then again, you don't want to seem like a drama queen or tabloid grubber.  You wouldn't call a girl you met at the bar right away, so why drop by the victim's funeral to say what's up?  Play it cool.  Keep your distance.  In today's blogosphere, you can get the skinny on damn near anything.  Read testimonies from people who knew the victim, participate in message boards and post anonymous photos to gore fetish websites.

Along the way there might be that one renegade reporter or takes-no-guff detective that tries to throw a wrench in your gears.  Someone from your old life that has been trailing you ever since you started down this path of blood money.  Fret not.  The best part about being investigated by humans is that they have a practically bottomless well of emotions and attachments to prey on.  Dismantle their life from the shadows.  Leave clues that lead absolutely nowhere.  Crucify one guy as a distraction, then turn around and decapitate their pregnant fiance.  Really, just go nuts.

A head is good, but a carrot cake would really confuse 'em.

Step 5: Disappear

Well, it was fun while it lasted.  After you've garroted your fill of throats and amassed a decent collection of hilarious sketch artist portraits, it is time to get off the grid.  With any luck, you have made connections with contacts around the globe.  The ponytailed computer hacker in London, the corrupt army general in Moscow or the whorehouse owner in Tahiti.  Use some of that money stored away in an offshore bank account and get the hell outta here.

We understand that you may have gotten accustomed to your lavish lifestyle in your time as a scoundrel for hire, but all good things must come to an end.  Don't be too bummed about it.  Every decade or so you can send a bomb or some anthrax to the motherland, just to keep things fresh.  And when the day comes for you to pass on to that glorious firing range in the sky, take a moment to reflect upon all the good that you dealt with.  All the hope you extinguished.  Reminisce on all the begging and bargaining for their pathetic lives.  Stick a middle finger in God's face and tell him to shove it right up his holiest hole.  For us.

He'll pretend he doesn't like it, but trust us, he does.

It's been a wild ride, amigo.  We sincerely hope you can adjust back into a normal life.  Not everyone has an easy time with that.  Oh, and watch your back.  We're not trying to scare you or anything, but you did a lot of bad shit.  That beloved custodian you dropped from a helicopter?  Though awesome, it probably wasn't the best use of your time.  You didn't really expect to get away with all of this, did you?  What?  We told you to do it?  Nah, man.  You're on your own with this one.

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