Prior to you reading this article, we would like to make it known that we are fully aware it is the day after Halloween. What are you gonna do? Tell the Calendar Police? ...oh shit, please don't tell the Calendar Police. If we get one more infraction on our record, they're going to lynch us.
The Calender Police forgot your birthday, but they always remember your deathday.
We're just gonna lay it out there much like we would lay our dicks out on a granite countertop. Proudly, lengthy, and full of typos. Halloween is our favorite holiday. We even like it more than Bathtub Meat Day, mainly because the cleanup is less intensive. We love it for so many reasons. The parties, the decorations, the amnesty for all the murdering our little hearts desire, but the main reason behind our passion for this holiday are the tricks and the treats. You may be saying to yourself, "But Strange Times, I already know how to trick-or-treat, don't I?" And our answer is, "FUCK NO, ASSHOLE!" You haven't even BEGUN to trick-or-treat until you've done it Strange Times' style. This is why we have compiled a comprehensive guide to help you obtain maximum satisfaction from your Halloween exploits. Now refill your half-empty milk carton with gin, strap your ass down for blasting, and don't you dare make us embolden our text again or there is going to be hell to pay.
And that's a bill that you cannot afford, honey.
TREATS
We've decided to start off with treats because, let's not jack ourselves off (maybe later), when most people think Halloween, they think candy. Sugary, chocolatey, and swarming with razorblades. Candy is universally consumed and acts as an instant friend-maker.
After this guy gave us those laundry detergent flavored breath mints, we became besties.
The act of accumulating candy on Halloween dates back to the Middle Ages when peasants would beg for eel pies in return for prayers...or some goofy shit like that. Celtic children used to meander around in freshly peeled animal pelts asking for "soul cakes".
And we thought it was shitty when houses pass out toothbrushes.
Costume: Right off the bat, you're gonna need a costume. If you just run out the door and start trickin' and treatin' without a costume, the Costume Police will find you and they will not hesitate to make you a costume as a skinless corpse.
Here we see them helping that man go as their bitch for Halloween.
The whole point of Halloween is to dress up like some sort of ghouly ghosty and parade around your community, suckling off Hershey's nougaty nip. For one day out of the year, you have free reign to be someone other than yourself, which in your case is probably a fucking miracle, so you don't wanna blow it by going as something lame.
Shown: Lame.
Many Halloweeners rush out to costume shops to buy drastically overpriced, pre-made costumes. Women will pay top dollar to look like a trash harlot. Oftentimes, costume companies will simply sell poorly crafted underwear made from orphan hair (source?), but slap "sexy" in front of the name and sell it for sixty dollars.
Well now this is just impractical. How is she ever going to bust ghosts in high heels?
Another route for your costume quest could lead you to a thrift store. Stores like Goodwill and Shitclothes Inc. are picked clean during the Halloween season, leaving homeless people everywhere more nude than us right now...which is extremely nude. You're sure to find some discarded fashion items from yesteryear that someone shared some of the happiest moments of their lives in...and you can buy them for three cents and then throw them in the garbage the very next day! What a country we live in!
There are so many stories entwined in these clothes...all of them end smelling like piss.
Now we can't pick your costume for you...so we won't. Moving on.
Location: Even the greatest treaters will be left candy-less without the proper stomping grounds for them to flaunt their treat-garnering prowess. We don't want to discriminate on our less financially fortunate friends, but poor people absolutely suck at giving out candy. Last year, this one woman who lost her job and recently declared bankruptcy was giving out homemade popcorn balls because she couldn't afford candy. What the fuck is that shit? Popcorn comes from corn, which is a vegetable (as far as we know). Last time we checked, vegetables are to Halloween as power tools are to little league baseball.
Hm...that does make you think, though.
What you've gotta do is find someplace you can score some serious loot. A place where dogs shit Skittles and men ejaculate fluffy chocolate mousse out of their Twizzler penises. Many local businesses will leave out bowls in front of their buildings with a sign that says "Please Take One" that can be very easily disregarded. Rich neighborhoods often have the highest rates of King-sized distribution, but those snooty fatcats are more likely to chastise you for treatin' into the wee hours of the night. Don't be afraid of waking them up, though. Once they see the knife you're brandishing, they tend to comply.
What's that? We didn't tell you to bring a knife? Well we just assumed you knew. That's rookie shit. Like, day one shit.
Something like this will do just fine.
Also, we hear that abandoned factory on the edge of town where all the homicidal maniacs squat has some excellent candy. We go there once a week.
Company: We know this will be tough to accept, but trick-or-treating ain't a social event. It may seem like all fun 'n' games, but in reality...it's a hunt. An epic quest for elusive candy. That's not the kind of adventure you want to embark on with a gang of doowads holding you back. If you have a bunch of pesky friends that insist on accompanying you, just kill them. We know that this isn't the most constructive advice, but truthfully we're sick of babying you. Like anything worth having in life, to get candy you're going to have to get your hands dirty. Friends or candy? The choice is yours, bub.
TRICKS
So you get home at the end of the night and you empty your pillowcase's contents onto your carpet. Pre-unwrapped tootsie rolls disappear into the wild puke-green yonder of the shag, never to be seen again. Miscellaneous loose sugar granules fill the air, resembling asbestos. You know this because of all of the actual asbestos floating around in your home. You put on your kneepads that you own for several reasons (none of which are rollerskating) and hunker down for a long candy-sorting session. Sweet must never touch sour and chewy must never come in close proximity of super chewy. Things with "triple" or "deluxe" or "hallucinogen" should be eaten first. Chocolate must be categorized by dark, milk, with or without nuts, and whether or not it melts in your hand or in your mouth...or in your ass if you're playing that game, but that's an entirely different guide altogether.
Ass-Chocolate: Giving a whole new meaning to Milky Way
Many hours later, the moon is gleaming magnificently in the night sky. Streams of lunar light shower your body...not a literal shower, although you could use one at this point as you sense a Jolly Rancher stuck somewhere not-so-jolly. Your sleep-deprived eyes blink for the first time in what seems like centuries and send flecks of crust raining to the floor. You stare down at your sugar-swag. You had dreamt about this moment for weeks. You envisioned thousands upon thousands of vibrant wrappers that taunted and tittled your every sense and granted you bliss in the form of Type 2 diabetes.
It does our heart good to see such a young child experiencing the joys of Halloween.
But what you are straddling is not mountains of candy. Why, it's not even mounds of candy. You hardly have a molehill of candy! What gives?! Didn't you follow our instructions? Well, fuck. Now look at what you've got. A dented can of Diet Faygo, 10,000 packs of Smarties, and what appears to be some sort of pickled snout in a plastic baggy. Dig in, champ.
Okay, okay. We're sorry. We didn't mean to snap like that. We're here for you. We're gonna get through this, man. Those bastards robbed you. Robbed you of candy. That's a serious offense in our book. This is the time for drastic action and desperate measures. This is the time...for tricks. Tricks come in all forms, but what we will be discussing here are the ones that bring the pain train.
It appears that the pain train is right on schedule.
We aren't advocating trickery. Tricks should only be used as a last resort. You tried to live among these savages. You tried to play ball and what did they do? They goosed ya. They burned ya. They gave you a mondo shaft in the form of fuckall candy. And they will pay dearly for this. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. We know how you're feeling right now. You're feeling kind of like taking that antique .44 out of your grandfather's cigar box and unloading round after round into the chests, necks, and faces of those who deprived you of your sugar fix. But that's not the way to do it. We're speaking from experience.
Halloween '84. What a year...what a year.
We've included two of our favorite tricks that we think will serve you well in this endeavor, but that shouldn't deter you from coming up with your own creative pranks. Instead of throwing eggs, throw a molotov cocktail into a hospital. Instead of putting toilet paper in trees, put a sword through someone's head. We should warn you right now that many (all) of these possibly (definitely) could be construed as being somewhat (unfathomably) illegal. So let's get started...
Wake 'N' Bake: Wake 'N' Bake oozes classic vengeance. We have successfully pulled it off many times and even the times it was unsuccessful, it still got the point across in the coolest way possible. First what you must do is return to the home of someone who wronged you. We know just the guy. That one douche who thought you were dressed as a ghost, when clearly you were Bed Sheet Man. Aw yeah, he's going down.
Also, it's important that you do these steps as you read them. Never skip ahead. If you know what to expect, it'll completely ruin the moment.
Step 1: Enter home undetected. Douse all furniture, furnishings, decorative ferns, and any other fur with gasoline. You can use Unleaded if you'd like, but we prefer Premium, just to class it up a little. You're gonna wanna keep pouring the fuel until you can feel it seep into your shoes and soak into your socks.
Step 2: Stand silently and ominously in the doorframe of the master bedroom. Stare at the offender in his slumber. Think about all the candy he ate instead of giving to you. The air will likely be primarily fumes by now, so don't stay too long.
Step 3: Exit the home and nail wooden boards across all exits.
Step 4: Ignite house. Within a few short moments, the alarm should go off. You will hear a panic upstairs and the house's occupant should come rushing down the stairs. Once you hear him jiggling the door handle, proceed to Step 5.
Step 5: Pull away wooden boards and open the door.
Step 6: Stare briefly into the eyes of a bewildered, horrified man as he vaguely remembers you from earlier in the evening. He'll probably say something like "What are you doing here?", but deep down he knows what he has done to deserve this.
Step 7: A chase will most likely take place shortly after this encounter. Catch him, pin him down beneath your body that has become bloated with revenge sludge, and remove his head using whatever method you'd like.
Step 8: Stand in the crumbling house, surrounded by flames, until emergency vehicles arrive. After they rescue you, you will be swiftly put in prison and interrogated. When they ask you why you re-entered the house to decapitate a man who was going to burn alive anyway, just explain to them how you had taken a mini Twix, but then saw Milk Duds, but the guy wouldn't let you trade. They'll understand.
TRICK!
Dino-Might: Dino-Might is a slightly more complex trick, but we assure you it's worth it. We're thinking you should use this one to get back at that group of kids that said you were too old to trick-or-treat. You'll show them the true meaning of suffering...we mean Halloween.
Step 1: Get a time machine. Personally, we don't own one and have never seen one, but you'll figure something out.
Step 2: Travel back to the prehistoric age of dinosaurs. Lasso yourself up a Tyrannosaurus Rex and head on back to the present.
Step 3: Cram the T.Rex with enough dynamite to turn Mt. Rushmore into Mt. Four Dudes With Faces Blown To Fuck. Side Note: Dinosaurs don't like having explosives rammed into any orifice, so you're going to want to hire one of those migrant workers behind Home Depot to do it for you.
Dinosaurs+Dynamite+Illegal Immigrants=The American Dream
Step 4: After the dinosaur is thoroughly stuffed full of boomstick and Javier, lead it down to the cul-de-sac where those snot-nosed little punks are probably still hanging around talking about how young and able to trick-or-treat they are.
Step 5: Release the dinosaur.
What happens after this, cannot be put into step format. There are thousands of possible outcomes and each of them are more gnarly than the last. Not only will the kids be torn to ribbons of flesh, but fire and dinosaur guts will explode in every direction. It will be glorious and no one will ever arrest you because we've checked and there isn't a single law that says you can't do this.
With that, our faith is restored in the American legal system.
There you have it. Now do you see how many ways there are to enjoy this holiday? Whether you're a zombie cheerleader snorting Pixy Stix powder off of Elvis' boner or just another schmo caught in the crossfire of tricks and treats, Halloween has something to offer you. And in the end, it's all about being yourself and having a good time. It's what John Candy would have wanted when he invented candy.
So give thanks, give hand jobs, and give candy to anyone who asks for it because if not, you're going to die.
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