Saturday, April 30, 2011

Telemarketer Racked With Guilt After Interrupting Dinner

Telephone salespeople are a lot like assholes...everyone has to deal with their shit at some point.  Also, most of the time they're just fucking assholes.  However, there is one telemarketer with honest intentions.  One saleperson with no gimmick, rigamarole, or hidden agenda.  Just some fucking guy trying to sell some fucking thing.  That man is Unf Whoomp.

Unf is neither of these two men.

Nearing the end of his shift last Friday at 4:48pm, Whoomp decided to make one last call on behalf of the PureAir Water Filter.  This particular filter is the "best in the biz" as Unf has been known to say.  With five oscillating titanium blades, vitamin-enriched cleansing jets, and a noise level quieter than a mouse pulling its pud, the PureAir Water Filter really has no equal.  It was for this reason that Unf took this job.  He truly believed in this product and he wanted to sell a fuckton of them. 

Precisely one metric fuckton.

Dialing the next number on his call sheet, he eagerly awaited someone to pick up, which they did.  It was a man's voice.  In Unf's day, he had heard a great many man's voice, but this one was special.  "Hello?" was muttered by the voice on the other line, as if to suggest they were shocked at the idea of someone calling.  Unf began by asking if the man was pleased with the quality of his drinking water, as he routinely does. 

The response Unf usually gets is an abrupt hangup, or on a good day, an actual interested customer.  "People are usually pretty polite about it," said Whoomp.  "I mean, obviously there are those people that tell me to lynch myself with my own severed cock, but I know that they're just saying that because they're pleased with their current water filter." 

"Come near my water again and I'll eat your sack.  Simple as that."

After Unf's one and a half minute long spiel, the line on the other end remained deathly silent.  "I get this a lot," explained Unf.  "Sometimes people are in utter shock of how good the deals are that I am bringing to the table.  It's natural to be a little bit speechless when you learn about the PureAir Water Filter's lifetime warranty and double-your-money-back guarantee."  

Whoomp persisted by asking the man if he would like to receive a free brochure in the mail to learn more about PureAir's products, such as the CarpetPube Steamcleaner.  Suddenly, the other end crackled to life.  "Pardon me, sir, I was waiting to make sure you were done with your pitch," announced the man.  "But I was just sitting down to dinner with my family.  I am, however, very interested in your product.  Would you mind calling back tomorrow and we can get me set up with one of these water filters?"

Too good to be true?  Yes, absolutely.

Unf scrambled to cover up his folly by giving his most sincere apologies for disrupting the man's meal, but the conversation was already over.  The man had hung up.  Unf stared at the phone in his hand, trembling.  He dropped the receiver and fled his office in a hurry, toppling over a stack of water filters in the process.   

"I interrupted the man's dinner with his family," said a regretful Unf.  "What kind of person does that?  Fuck.  One time a lady told me to get a real job.  Another time, this guy said I should just kill myself.  I'm starting to think they were right..."

Telemarketers aren't allowed to call this number.  It's a rule.

Whoomp continued running until he couldn't run any longer.  "I went to the only place I could think of," said Unf.  "Behind the Arby's next to Interstate 44.  I thought I could clear my head and try to set things right...boy was I wrong."  Unf pulled out his cellphone and dialed the man's number from before.  We should mention that Unf's actions are in direct violation of Telemarketing Law, but situations like this call for drastic measures to be taken.  The clock read, 5:32pm...the peak of dinnertime, unless you're one of those families that eat at like 9:47, then you can just stop reading right now.

The man answered.  Unf immediately turned into a sniveling wreck.  He implored the man to forgive him for what he had done, but he got no reprieve.  "Sir, what's the matter?" asked the concerned man.  "Are you the telemarketer from before?  Well, it's my son's birthday, so we're just slicing into the cake.  Really, we can do this tomorrow.  Actually, if you're in the area you could stop by for a slice.  It's double chocolate with strawberry cream chee-"  That was enough for Unf.  Unable to cope with the weight of his guilt from interrupting dinner AND dessert, Whoomp made the decision to end his own life in the only way that seemed fitting...he would remove his own personal PureAir Water Filter from his kitchen faucet.

Shit just got real, even for us.

Several weeks passed by and Unf continued drinking the unfiltered water.  "Lead...mercury..." repeated Unf as he rocked back and forth in the fetal position.  "I'm not dead yet, but I'm thinking that in 40-50 years, this'll definitely give me cancer or something...I deserve every bit of sediment in this tap water."

In other news, the man murdered his entire family with a bowling ball out of pure frustration that Unf never called back the next day.  Just so you know.

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