Sunday, April 3, 2011

Local Man Loses Asshole Virginity

From time to time, many of us find ourselves practicing basic personal hygiene.  Whether it be a bath, a shower, or simply hosing ourselves off with our own urine, we all need to spend a little time alone, scraping mystery crud off of our bodies.  These moments of solitary cleaning can reveal some startling things about ourselves and drive us to great lengths to correct these shortcomings.  For one man, it involved diving a little deeper to someplace a little smellier.

Nope, not here.

Nearing middle age means a lot for men.   Not only is it the end of your deep-dicking days, but health exams become increasingly thorough.  With his first ever proctology exam right around the corner, 38-year-old Hanson Fupowcha decided to take drastic action to make it a less traumatic experience.  "I crammed my own finger in my ass first," said Hanson bluntly.  "I wanted to sorta soften the blow for when my doctor shoves that Kielbasa he calls an index finger up there."

You're only ten inches away from a clean bill of health.

Those that know Hanson were shocked to hear of his deflowered anus.  Fupowcha's parents were especially taken back that their son would make such a life-altering decision without first consulting those that birthed him.  "We are a little disappointed, sure," said Hanson's father while his mother baked furiously to get the image out of her head, but everytime she looked at the rolling pin, she thought of her son lowering himself down onto it, hole agape.  "But he's a full grown man now.  The boy can make his own decisions.  If that means running around town with a brown thumb...so be it.  We've all thought it at one point.  I know I have."  

"I always hoped I'd be the guy to pop that cherry," said Fupowcha's mailman.  "I mean, I'm still totally gonna fuck his bum, don't get me wrong.  It's just sad that all that elasticity went to waste."

Yup, just like that.

This revelation came as a huge surprise to not only Hanson's friends and family, but to the medical community as well.  "The first proctology exam has been a special bond between doctors and patients for decades," said Dr. Howsurbum.  "We take special courses in school to ensure that the experience is as comfortable and memorable as possible.  What Mr. Fupowcha did has belittled our expertise in the field of corn-holing."

Doctors everywhere reportedly disposed of nearly all of their scented candles, massage oils, and Barry White albums.  "Guess I won't be needing these anymore," said a saddened proctologist as he dumped boxes of rubber gloves into a Salvation Army donation box.  "Looks like I'm just gonna have to start doing it for free down at the bus depot again."

Somewhere out there...someone is getting their asshole fingered.

Due to Hanson's behavior, we advise against going anywhere in public if you have even the slightest limp because people will naturally assume you just got done diddling your doo-doo chute.  This has been Strange Times, ruining your appetite and it's not even noon.

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