Thursday, October 13, 2011

Local Man Can Only Play Video Games On Easy

There comes times when we must challenge ourselves.  We must look deep inside ourselves and muster up the inner strength to overcome whatever obstacle lie ahead.  This can lead us to some shocking realizations about ourselves and how we react under pressure.  One man, Xavier Tarund, already knows these things about himself.  This is why Xavier can only play video games on the Easy difficulty.

"What do you expect me to do?!  Block that little ball with that line?  I'm not a miracle worker, Brad!"

Tarund first realized this limitation as a child while playing Atari.  He had received the gaming system from his parents for Christmas.  "Ugh, I remember being so happy when I opened that present," reminisced Xavier. "I had bothered them for months and I really didn't think I was going to get it.  In retrospect, I almost wish I hadn't."  After only mere moments of playing a driving simulation game Hard Drivin', Tarund grew increasingly frustrated at the "impossible" challenges the game demanded of him.  "That whole game was just flawed.  It made you pay attention to so much stuff couldn't even...I mean, the time limits were totally unfair."

"What's this now?!  A van?!  I can't believe there's a boss this early in the game."

By the end of that week, Xavier's parents reportedly returned the game system to the store in exchange for an action figure of Magnum P.I.  "I know where I stand with action figures.  A couple poses, maybe a few lines of dialogue...that's all you really need."

That mustache, plastic or not, is still an unstoppable sex monster.

Several years later when Xavier moved out on his own, he attempted to start over his relationship with video games.  "I bought an N64.  It was the big thing at the time.  I completely skipped over Super Nintendo. Those games looked way too hard.  I forget what I did when all of my friends were playing it.  I think I was probably still playing with that action figure...we sure had some times."

You bet your ass we did.

Xavier proved to be just as uncoordinated and unskilled at the N64 as he was with every other video game he had encountered prior.  "GoldenEye was such a cheap game.  Like, all the guys shot at you at once and didn't even give you a chance to reload.  So cheap."  Friends and family watched this downward spiral from the oustide.  "It was really hard to see," said a former friend of Xaviers.  "I wish I could have been there more for him, but after he knocked out six of my teeth over Mario Kart, I had to call quits on that friendship." This trend continued off and on for years, following Xavier everywhere he went.  "I don't know if I have a birth defect or what, but I suck at every game I've ever played.  I can't even keep my Tamagotchi alive for more than a few hours."

Until you've seen a grown man cry over one of these, you haven't lived.

Now as our society stands on the cusp of such grand and advanced gaming technology, Xavier has been forced to make a decision to ensure the safety of himself and others.  "I'm only going to play games on Easy from now on," announced Tarund.  "I'm sure I could handle Medium.  Maybe even Hard occasionally.  But...I just can't take that risk of murdering my entire family over Guitar Hero: Aerosmith..."

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