Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Prom Bungle Result of DJ's Costly Mistake

Prom is typically a night of spiked punch, regrets to-be-made, and a mediocre music selection, but for Porkchup High School, the night was thumping to an entirely different tune.  The drastically overpriced dresses had been purchased, the ill-fitting tuxes had been rented, and the pre-Prom chubs had been worked up by all the young lads hoping for some action.

River Chub: Nature's Half-Boner

Local disc jockey, DJ Faptastic, was hired by the school to provide lyrically kid friendly, yet currently popular music for the dance.  The first 3/4ths of the dance went off without a hitch.  YMCA, Chicken Dance, and many other of high schoolers favorite songs were played.  "I don't know what it is about songs that let you participate with all of your friends, but I really love them.  When the guy on the song tells you to do something...everyone does it.  It's really a bonding experience for all of us."

If everyone is doing it, it must be cool.

Faptastic began to see that those night classes he took at community college had actually paid off.  "I learned how to use iTunes," said the mixmaster.  "And the rest is just history.  I make about five playlists every single day varying from fast to slow music.  I even put a few of both in there sometimes." 

The night came to a bloody screeching halt when Fap made the decision to spin a song he had never spun before.  "I had picked up this mint copy of the Electric Slide Part 4.  I hadn't listened to it before that night.  I didn't even check for cuss words," said a regretful Fap.  "I was reckless back then.  Plus, I was stuffing ecstasy in practically every hole you could imagine...and a few that you couldn't"

As the needle dropped, the beat began and everyone's ears were tuned to the same frequency.  Rather than the catchy and charismatic dynamic that had made the original Cha Cha Slide so popular, the fourth reiteration of the song had become an entirely different taco. 

DifferenTaco:  This time, it's wet.

Suddenly a tribal thumping began and the skincrawling sounds of skeletal xylophones joined a fanfare of fear and torment.  The chains bound to titans of the damn creaked and bellowed with such despair and desolation that the last of the whales died of sadness, floating to the surface of the ocean, which at that point had turned entirely to baby blood.  Ancient evil hymns and chants spoken in tongues unlocked the Seal of Sinister Souls, allowing a flood of demonic spirits to inhabit nearly all students and chaperones in attendance.  Those who escaped soul-sucking were subject to horrors beyond their most vivid nightmares.  In the end, everyone got laid and Joel Sanders won prom king.

"Things got really crazy when that song came on," said gym teacher, Joe Mocha.  "I'm pretty sure it was those love 'em, but I swear the shit just sounds like shaking metal to me."

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