Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Local Man Wishes He Had Held Baby Raccoon

Early yesterday afternoon while mowing his lawn, Clyde Bridesdale examined something out of the ordinary making its way down his street.  A small pack of children with smiles spread across their faces.  Happiness, a rare sight and confusing concept to Clyde, struck him with curiosity and he walked towards the kids.  "It took me a few minutes to build up the nerve to go over," explained Clyde.  "I always think their parents are watching and they'll mistake me for a child humper, which I'm totally not."
Who says you need to be an adult to touch kids?

When Clyde finally approached the group he saw that in the arms of the youngest girl was a raccoon, no older than a month or two.  As more children crowded around the critter, Clyde reserved himself to the background.  "That raccoon was really cute, but I mean I can see cuteness just fine from five or ten feet away."  The children beamed with elation at the pure and innocent creature.  Two boys had a brief argument over what to call him, but within moments diplomatically settled their differences and agreed upon "Preston the Racoon". 

 Shown: Preston the Ragoon

Clyde glanced nervously at the kids, who ushered him to extend his hand towards the raccoon. Preston proceeded to sniff and snuggle against it in a heartwarming display of frailty.  Johmmy Yackson, age 6 and a half, asked Clyde if he wanted to hold the raccoon, holding out the wittle fur-ball.  "I just froze," said Clyde.  "All of a sudden these kids were all looking at me, waiting for me to take the raccoon and I...I just couldn't.  What if it bit me?  What if it went to the bathroom on me?  All of these scenarios just started rushing through my head and I guess I panicked.  I had to get out of there."  Clyde, now drenched in a full-out flopsweat, fled back to his house.  The children resumed their adorable activities.

Strangle is Preston's favorite game.

When we interviewed Mr. Bridesdale, he was still holed up in his bedroom petting a square of shag carpet.  The shag was worn and had clearly seen its share of this sort of thing.  "I don't know why I didn't hold that raccoon," said Bridesdale with no apparent emotion besides suck.  "Maybe I was scared of rabies.  Or maybe I've gotten so used to disappointment that any amount of joy would somehow seem wrong.  Now what am I supposed to say when I tell people about the raccoon?  That I pet it?  I mean it licked my ankles, but that's not even remotely as great as holding it.  What if people ask why I didn't hold it?  What do I say then?  Huh?!"  We had no answer for Clyde.  He began to sob quietly.

We contacted Clyde's friends and family to comment on his raccoon regret, but found ourselves faced with many answering machines and restraining orders.  One acquaintance came out of the woodwork to offer insight into Clyde's issue.  "Yeah, I know Clyde.  We used to be best friends," said Howard Choy.  "Then one day we went to the pet store and there was this precious golden lab pup named Toby.  We took him out to play and lemme tell ya, he was a rambunctious little fella.  Lickin' and pawin' at me.  Just being completely affectionate.  It was really something.  But he completely ignored Clyde.  Like, didn't even notice him.  Not even a pity pet.  Clyde seemed pretty hurt.  I don't know.  Maybe he's got dry knuckles or something.  Dogs are weird like that.  Either way, we haven't spoken in months.  I was bummed at first, but Clyde was always pulling shit like that.  Crying if my ice cream scoop was bigger than his.  If there wasn't enough butter on his popcorn, there was too much, ya know?  That kind of guy.  Now that I think about it, it's a huge relief not to hear his constant griping about how he can't taste salsa as well as he used to or how the lady at the supermarket saw him picking his nose.  Anyway, I don't know much about raccoons, but they seem cool.  Why didn't he just hold it?"

There you have it.

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