Sunday, April 8, 2012

Gym Teacher Fears Strong Kids, Sabatoges Curriculum

If you are a reader of Strange Times, chances are your state of health leaves something to be desired.  Whether you have high cholesterol, a mean case of ugly-skin, or are just plain fat as fuck, we're banking on the fact that there's a gaping hole in your self-confidence.  Luckily for all you malnourished nutbags, there are fitness trainers, nutritionists, and others out there who have dedicated their lives to boosting confidence and toning nasty asses.  Pete Buchanan is one of these people.  Pete teaches physical education.  Really badly.

Alright kids, time for wristy-strainy's.

"I'm scared of strength," began Buchanan in our several-on-one interview in the boy's locker room at Samuel Skrote Middle School.  We questioned the legality of our crew snapping photos near scantily clad lads, but Buchanan assured us the school is pretty lax when it comes to that sort of thing.  "Ever since I was a kid I've found toughness and really just muscles in general to be pretty terrifying."

Pete has remedied this phobia by actively withholding students from receiving a proper workout.  By frequently drinking on the job, recklessly spending the department's budget on premium sponges, and teaching improper methods of exercise, nearly two dozen generations of children have a lackluster knowledge about their bodies. 

Puberty is a time of awkward bending and dangerously low BMI.
"It's really not that hard to keep kids from getting too healthy," explained Buchanan.  "These dummies will believe anything you tell them.  If I tell them to do really dangerous stretches, they just do it."  The cafeteria staff has also taken steps to destroy the children's diets.  "Snouts n' buttah," said head chef Gump Lumpson.  "Das 'bout it."  As a result of this misinformation and neglect, nearly 1 in 2 of students have developed some type of heart condition, diabetes, and in one tragic case, total ass-collapse.   

"When we hired Pete, we knew of his fear," revealed Principle Chud Polype.  "While it may seem like a shortcoming, he's actually the perfect man for the job.  I mean, do you want a bunch of push-upping, calf-raising mini-Hulks running around?  I didn't think so."  The school is not only in full support of Buchanan's plan, they have intentionally ordered defective playground equipment in an effort to cease any pubescent progress.  "We got a great deal from Bosnia," said Chud.  "We actually paid a little extra to remove some screws and add a second coat of lead-based paint.  Also, there are a few jagged edges of rusty metal that we're really excited to see pan out."

They have also found a solution to the sand vs. pebbles debate.
Despite the thoroughness of the school's ineptitude, one child has fallen through the cracks.  Jimmy Taine, age 11, has proved to exceed in athleticism and has even begun teaching his fellow peers how to 'verb' during recess.  "That little son of a bitch is a detriment to what we're trying to achieve here," said Buchanan.  "Every time he wears a t-shirt, I catch a glimpse his armpit hair.  It gives me chills right up my spine."

School officials are currently attempting to detract from Jimmy's physical superiority by limiting him in other fields.  "His class schedule essentially consists of basket weaving and glue sticks," said Taine's counselor Ronnie Yup.  "We're hoping if we can prevent the bastard from reading and grasping basic algebra, we'll have the upper hand when he goes berserk and tries to noogie us all to death."

After witnessing Jimmy make it all the way across the monkey bars, we can't say we disagree.

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