Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Shitty Young Adult Author Publishes Shitty Young Adult Series

Nowadays it seems that everyone and their limbless brother has a book deal with options for a film franchise and soft drink ad campaign.  The latest vile worm of the written word is Cynthia Winterson, a 26-year old graduate from some school you can't afford.  Armed with a Master's degree in Making Shit Up, Winterson has stormed the youth literature scene, scoring a major contract with WangDang! Publishing out of Manhattan just last week.

The The Dark Crag series focuses on a girl who is not quite a child, but not an adult either.  She's stuck somewhere right in the middle.  In the year 3033, Carlie Mooncruiser is struggling to find out who she is and what "it all" means, just like all people ever.  Despite her naive sense of existentialism and long-winded inner monologue that indulges every infantile emotion, she still knows how to party.  A dangerous new drug called CrazyGood has hit the streets and all of Carlie's friends are suffering horrible bug-eyed deaths from it.  When an irresistible heartthrob, Jake Saturn shows up on the scene, Carlie must decide whether or not to keep getting banged by her junky boyfriend Johnny Knifehands or settle down with this new guy she barely knows.  Oh, and they all have superpowers because of an irradiated hunk of alien shit.  

"What we found most impressive was her spelling," said George Tudder, CEO of the company.  "She spelled almost everything right and has a really good grasp of where to put commas.  In today's competitive industry, it takes more than a pretty face and rich parents to make it.  You gotta be willing to put out too."  Tudder proceeded to gyrate in his chair and vigorously dig in his pockets.

Though this is Winterson's highest paying project to date, it is far from her first rodeo in the writing world.  During her college years, she wrote for multiple student publications including Good Not Great Monthly and The Bozo Gazette, where she primarily penned helpful relationship tips for the misshapen and mush-mouthed.  She discovered her first dose of mainstream success with a viral article about the pros and cons of selling your pride to increase marketability.

"It's not stealing if you admit to it," claimed Winterson in an interview with WhatchaReadin'?!.com.  "If I come right out and say that I implement unaltered copyrighted characters, overused plot devices and a voice devoid of substance or soul, I can't be prosecuted."  After weeks of analysis, our legal team has concluded that "she's totally right".  

Strange Times caught up with Winterson to discuss her most recent series.

ST:  We appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to meet with us in this abandoned sausage factory.

CW:  Oh, it's not a problem.  I had to cancel a charity event for terminal children, but I was looking to get out of that anyway.

ST:  You're a rotten bitch.  We hope that you feel safe and unsuspecting standing there beneath those rusty meat hooks.

CW:  I do, very much.

ST:  Tell us a little bit about The Dark Crag books you're working on.

CW:  This is definitely my most complex story to date.  It's sort of Shakespearean, Orwellian and Kafkaesque, but also accessible to total morons.  I thought that by combining a sixth grader's sense of romance with rambling descriptions of teenage boy bodies, I could not only create something stupid, but make bank doing it.

ST:  So basically the whole thing is a giant dick metaphor?

CW:  Sort of.  I was trying to being feminist and misogynist at the same time.  I hope for Carlie to be a role model to little girls out there.  Someone they can look up to that spits in their faces and gets railed by futuristic drug addicts. 

ST:  You're slime.

CW:  And rich too.

ST:  Thank you so much for taking the time, now please, get the hell out of our sight you bloated wad of pigshit.

Look forward to the first installment of this thrilling new adventure, The Dark Crag: Frozen Yogurt Heartbreak  hitting the shelves sometime after you see a million fucking billboards of some hunky guy standing next to a pale girl.  Then, hurry up and read it because The Dark Crag: Beyond Millennium's Ass, a prequel to the third book The Dark Crag: Against All Clods, will be released shortly after the highly-anticipated sequel The Dark Crag: A Nard Avenged drops a week from a month from Tuesday. 

1 comment: