Monday, October 28, 2013

Recent Study Yields Startling Results!

So you ordered a salad instead of a steak and you're feeling pretty good about yourself.  Not only are you slimming down the waistline, but you're protecting those cute animals from meeting the grim, chunk-covered face of death's bloody hammer.  Well think again, gordo.

It turns out fruit, vegetables and nearly all forms of plant life experience excruciating pain during their harvesting, cooking and ingestion.  "There's no denying nature is a brutal place," confessed Dr. Mike Mustache at a press conference some time ago.  "We simply cannot ignore these lifeforms' pleas for peace any longer."  Mustache resumed tossing a fruit salad for a family reunion later that day.  He took great pleasure in caressing the strawberries' tips before adding them to the bowlful of carnage.

Can you believe it?  Plants got feels.  Not only that, they have minds, personalities and relationships.  Fucking feelings.  What we mistook for harmless agriculture is actually the longest-running massacre of helpless victims since mankind's inception.  Even blades of grass remember the screams of their ancestors from the Great Mowing of Two Weeks Ago.

"I had to watch my entire family skinned alive and devoured by giants," remembered a banana one of our interns brought for lunch.  "Humans cannot come close to picturing the kind of agony we have endured for centuries.  Not even the Jews."

"They slice us open, scoop out our guts, stuff us full of rice and stick us in an oven," listed a green bell pepper, fed up with the ignorant killing.  "That sound fun to you?  How'd you like if a bunch of Brussels sprouts broke into your place while you were sleeping, raped your daughter and used your wife as mulch?  Yeah, that's what I thought."

Cucumbers and carrots have complained of being used as prop phalluses in many comedic charades.   Potatoes are tired of having forks stuck in them and kicked around like that Charlie Chaplin bit.  Oranges are outraged that they're being fed to children during soccer matches.

Other plants are reluctant to get on the bandwagon, fearing it will upset the delicate cycle of life.  "It's bad, I'm not disputing that," said an asparagus that has chosen to remain neutral.  "But a lot of people don't like asparagus, so I'm not too worried.  Now watermelons on the other hand...those poor sons of bitches got the worst of it.  Did you know people fuck them?  I mean really fuck them.  Oh yeah, all the time.  Pop 'em in the microwave, drill a hole and you're good to go.  Sure beats the hell outta getting syphilis from an Albanian prostitute."

Many protesters have dropped their causes in order to focus their full efforts on protecting plants. However, the public has not been receptive.  "What?  Now I'm supposed to give a shit what food thinks?" complained a man who has not purchased a piece of fruit for nearly thirty years.  "I'll eat what I want, when I want.  God put humans on this planet to eat everything in sight.  That means fruit, veggies, your wife's pussy, whatever we fucking want!"  A nearby crowd cheered after this, breaking out into a buffet/orgy that ravaged a small town community center.

What society nearly mistook for a vegetarian ploy to sway the masses has become a global uprising after a farmer in Tallahassee claimed to be able to speak with plants after years of snorting crystallized mule butter.  Days after the announcement, Jed Clumberton, 47, ran naked and screaming into his crops.  He heeded the call of those who cannot speak for themselves.

"From that day on, I became a vessel for their message," said Jed.  "'Stop killing us'.  That's basically their message.  They just want to stop dying all the time.  Or at least sprayed with less poison.  Or not carved for holidays.  Or smashed with baseball bats.  They said some other stuff, but I'd rather not repeat it."

So there you have it.  Next time you're forcing broccoli down your child's throat, think about if it were one of your own.  If you were boiling, steaming and salting your mother's eyes.  Or your dad's dick.  Because plants have all of those things and more.

So much more.

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