Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Local Man Disputes Motel Bill

CRUMBO, TX - Panic struck Wilmer Pance (38) during checkout from the Humble Inn, a reasonably priced motel off Interstate 17.  The reason?  An unexpected charge on the bill.  "My heart just sank," recalled Pance of the tense moment in his otherwise blissful life. "This is what all those bad reviews are about online.  Not about the Humble Inn specifically, just in general.  People are always having things go wrong at restaurants and gyms and motels.  I'm not one of those people."  The disputed charge?  A meager $8.95 for what the Humble Inn's staff could only classify as "an exorbitant amount of toilet seat covers".

We had the chance to speak with the Humble Inn's Operations Manager Hubert Sagna who was able to shed some light on the situation.  "This was out of ordinary for us, but we really had no choice.  The guy used probably 400 toilet seat covers in the day and a half he was here.  We had to do something," lamented Sagna.  "Obviously we want everyone to have a comfortable stay here, but if Mr. Pance had a preexisting bowel condition that would have caused this gross overuse of bathroom supplies, he should have detailed that in the 'Additional Comments' section of the website while placing his reservation."

Pance would not accept this bill sitting down, despite that being how it was accrued.  "It's nobody's damn business but my own what I did in that bathroom," Pance said, loudly in the lobby.  Wilmer's wife, Bethany Pance (36), stood by her husband's side, unashamed of his childish tantrum.  "My husband is a good man," explained Bethany, clutching a tote bag stuffed with what appeared to be Humble Inn embroidered hand towels.  "He just needs a lot of toilet seat covers.  What can I say?  At home we have a drain in the floor so we can just hose everything down afterwards.  We're just working with the hand God dealt us."

The Humble Inn attempted to make amends by only charging Pance a fraction of what a replacement pack of toilet seat covers would cost.  "They're $19.95 for 500.  By our calculations, Mr. Pance used approximately 376 toilet seat covers, before searching underneath the sink for a new pack, which he used exactly 62 covers from, before replacing it under the sink," explained On-Site Private Eye Johannes Burgleberger.  "As if we wouldn't find out."

The issue is ongoing.  Strange Times was going to see it through, but just couldn't stomach another second of reporting on this one.  Last we heard, Mr. Pance would agree to pay the bill as long as he was compensated with "at least a couple keychains and a mini-flashlight".