Strange Times Joins Fight Club

Strange Times is pissed.  Not the usual kind of pissed either.  Usually we can fix that by throwing some steak seasoning in orphan eyes.  But today, hoooh boy.  We are ready to let the world have it.  We're more mad than that time we caught our wives in bed with an Olympic team of firefighting rockstars.  If only there were a way to take out our aggression.  A way to relieve some of this stress that doesn't involve strangling our wangles.

While walking solemnly across town, kicking cans and pouting at our reflections in every storefront, we heard sounds of a tussle coming from within a seemingly abandoned warehouse.  Entering the building, we were immediately hit with dozens of stern stares.  A group of men, varying in age and shape, covered in bodily fluids and trying desperately to act nonchalant.

Look at asses much, guy on the right?

Strange Times Turns 100!

That's right folks.  It's here.  The 100th article.  Bet you thought we'd never get here, huh?  Well here it is, plopped into your laps like a steaming text log.  We know we haven't always been the most consistent in releasing news, but truth be told, sometimes there's just nothing going on.  Absolutely zilch.  That doesn't even take into account all of the werewolf uprisings that we've stomped out while simultaneously bringing you the good stuff.  The hard-hitting squirters.  The juicy giblets.  Cut us some slack.

Dr. Slack: She'll clench ya.

Fortune Teller Predicts 'Nothing Much'

You may have noticed recently that you aren't dead.  The birds are chirping, the sun is shining and your neighbor with the nice calves is mowing his grass as often as usual.  Our world did not end as foretold by ancient civilizations, preached by televangelists and shouted by street scum, complete with little chunks of hot dog flying out of their mouth.

 TAKE THIS PAMPHLET!

Strange Times' Guide to Finding Love

Quick!  Stop pawing at your pud, put some pants on and get out there, champ.  We've stood idly by while you've single-handedly decimated even the slimmest chance you had of getting any action this Valentine's Day.  Staining your shirts with marinara (the unsexiest of sauces), cutting out exercise entirely (sleep sweating doesn't count) and suffering from a rare condition known as "Stink Flesh" (also, a chronic case of Ugly Face).  But all that's behind you.  We're about to give you a crash course in lovin', lustin' and if you don't screw it up, bustin' a nut all over that special someone.

Jewelry is nice, but lukewarm ejaculate is even better.

Horror Movie Shakes Viewers

We all go to the movies.  Except for Jimmy in accounting, but fuck that guy.  We hear he has eczema and that's just gross.  Besides for that philistine dingaling, Strange Times is in full support of cinema and all of its twitching limbs.  Each year, countless tales of intrigue, romance and animated woodland creatures sucking each other off hit screens across the globe.  Whether its to our amusement or disgust, ultimately it is the audience that makes or breaks a film.

"Boy oh boy!  It's like he's cumming right on us!"

Planters Peanuts Mascot Revealed to be Dehyrdated Wizard, Consumers Appauled.

For decades, we have watched Planters Peanuts parade their dancing, monocled mascot on televisions and billboards across the globe.  Twirling his cane, tipping his hat and gyrating his pelvis in a most unsettling manner.  Well, you better sit down for this one.  Cuz that ain't no peanut.  That's a god damn 5,000-year old wizard.

Your dreams will never be safe again.

Government Announces 'Spensive Renovation

In a shocking and sudden press conference this afternoon, plans were revealed for a government project that would cost nearly several many billion dollar bills probably.  "No more stairs," announced Antoine Anchove, Secretary of Steps.  "The charade has gone on long enough.  From now on, it's escalators all the way, baby."  A record number of gasps were reported.

Middle-Aged Bully Reminisces On Nerd Bashing Days

Chaz Braundochenko sits in a dingy one bedroom apartment on the upper east side of Iowa City.  His entire body quivers like a fragile wad of clenching fury.  His varicose veins create a bulgy grid of weakly pulsing blood that travels to all of his flabby extremities and back to his fat-encrusted heart.  In his prime, Chaz was the all star varsity scrubber for his high school's curling team, as well as the tri-county bullying champion.  Ranking nationally in wedgies, depth and emotional scarring taken into consideration, leading in spitballs into teachers' mouths accuracy, and second in the state in squeezing milk cartons so it comes out of kids' noses, Braundochenko enacted many changes within the bully community.  Now, he's just some guy remembering stuff.

We think we've used this picture before, but that kid is just such a wuss.

Confetti: An Insider's Peep

“What’re you crazy?” said CEO James Caanfetti of Caanfetti Confetti Company.  “You've got no idea what you’re getting into here.  I think it'd be best if you marched on out of here and forget we ever spoke.  And take your stinking ape with you."  This is the welcome our battalion of infield reporters received on the front steps of the world's largest distributor of little itty bitty pieces of party paper.  There have been rumors circulating about some shady, saucy activity going down within their factory walls, so naturally we decided to stick our greasy noses all up in their well-oiled junk.

We can't say they weren't asking for it.  Just look at those Crow's Feet.

Local Man Prefers Single Stuffed

If there's one thing the human race knows how to do, it's stuff.  Bodies into trunks, wieners into butts and other assorted stuffings into various stuff-holes.  Perhaps the most recognizable example is the white stuff wedged in between those brown cookie-like crisps.  You know the ones.

 Yup, gotta love those unnamed cookies.