"No More Sad Endings" Announces MPAA

Everyone loves movies.  Except the people that don't and well, who the hell do they think they are?  Movies give us a chance to experience things we would never do on our own, like for instance, saving someone from a burning building.

Psh, only in the movies.

However, a recent decision by the Motion Picture Association of America is threatening many films' creative integrity.  In a strange turn of events, the MPAA has officially announced a new restriction on all movies being released from here on out.  "No more sad endings," said MPAA Chairman Tim Hooglah. "I don't understand why anyone would want to make a movie with a sad ending.  Who likes to be sad?  I don't wanna be sad."

Filmmakers, outraged at this announcement, plan to do something in protest about this verdict, but can't decide on what to call themselves.  "Disgruntled Filmmakers Union?" suggested amateur filmmaker Martin Scorsese, "Or is it a coalition?  Maybe a legion?  I've never been good at this kind of thing."  

Poor little guy.  He'll never make it in Hollywood.

Controversial independent filmmaker, Chaz Phillips, has been the frontrunner in the movement against this ban on sad endings.  Chaz is most known for his depressing films, such as Everyone Dies In The End: The Movie and the re-imagining of Miracle on 34th Street titled Double Homicide on 34th Street.  He has said that he will refuse to make any movies until the restriction is lifted.  The MPAA responded by saying, "Good.  We don't want you to make any more movies anyway.  That one you made where the dog got hit by the car was seriously uncool."

The MPAA has gone one step further...farther...fart her...they've followed through on the ban on sad endings in new movies by going back and changing the endings of old movies with sad endings.  In the new, revised versions of certain classic films, all forms of sadness, loss, and grief have been taken out.  Any character that cries has been digitally removed and replaced with a picture of a chocolate bar.  Old Yeller no longer has to be shot in his adorable pup-face, but lives a long, happy, and healthy life.  Rain Man is no longer mentally challenged and in fact, a perfectly functional and contributing member of society.  In The Mist, well...

This doesn't happen.

Almost every critic besides Roger Ebert have criticised the new versions of these films.  Ebert gave them all four-star, two-thumbs-up reviews saying that, "Finally I can enjoy these movies without struggling through all that sad stuff.  I mean, the movies were good before, but when something sad happened...I felt really sad.  I even cried one time."

"I...am...happy?"

The MPAA shows no signs of revoking their decision.  It appears that we are all going to just have to get used to these sun-shiney, bubblegum-fluff films.  So next time you're thinking about writing a screenplay about urban decay, a family in crisis, or a relationship on the rocks...just forget it.  We don't need any of that Joe Mope crap in our theaters.  No sir.

"Get out of here, Joe!  You're so annoying!  Also, ugly."