Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Presidential Candidate Kisses Baby...On The Lips

Republicans and Democrats alike were shocked last week at a presidential rally when the Fascist Party's own candidate, Jacob Karloff, kissed a baby.  Now, baby-smooching has been associated with elections for decades, no one is disputing that.  What is being disputed is the placement of Jacob's kiss.

Who's up for a round of Pin the Fascist Lips on the Infant?

Shit went down like this.  Jacob had just arrived in his stretch limo that had been freshly painted like a USSR flag.  Everyone in attendance was left scratching their heads at this unusual paint job because Karloff was indeed running for the Fascist, not Communist Party.  "Well, Fascism is pretty much like..." explained Karloff.  "...well.  The Fascist Party stands for...uhm.  Okay, truth be told, I don't know what Fascism means.  Fascism, Communism,'s all the same to me.  I honestly couldn't tell you the difference.  I just like the way that hammer and hook-thing look.  Also, red is my favorite color."

Those crazy commie bastards sure know how to make a flag.

Voters understood this misunderstanding as all of them admitted to not knowing the difference either.  "Yeah, I never really took the time to research what Fascism actually is," said a concerned voter.  "All I know is that it's bad.  Hitler was a Fascist.  So was John Lennon I think...and I fucking hate The Beatles."

If we've learned one thing from all of this, it's to never trust a guy with round glasses.

Jacob, already having the odds stacked against him due to his controversial political views, made an unforgivable folly that many believe will be the end of his campaign trail.  Shortly after he exited his limousine, he grabbed the nearest toddler he could find and in an attempt to garner support, he planted a big, wet, Nazi-y kiss on the child.

Pucker up, buttercup.

Karloff recently brushed up on America's political traditions and found baby-kissing to be among the most popular methods of swaying the public's opinion.  He wanted to come across as a gentle, decent, and caring human being.  Unfortunately, Jacob never actually saw a politician do this in real life, so he was unclear of where to kiss the baby.  So, he kissed the child where no one would ever kiss a prostitute...the mouth.

Shown: Hooker Mouth.

The crowd gasped.  Then reeled in horror.  Then gasped again.  Then one guy began laughing his ass off.  Then the mother ran up to Karloff, snatched her baby away, and Jacob was mobbed shortly thereafter. 

Karloff was beaten severly before police arrived on the scene.  Once the police arrived on the soon, Karloff was beaten more severly.  He was taken into custody, then released, then taken down and brought into prison again because the cops "just wanted to tackle him again".  Many charges have been brought against Jacob, including:  1 Count of Being a Mondo Creep, 2 Counts of Touching a Child with One Lip, and 76 Counts of Getting the Punched in the Neck.  

Neck there really any other kind of punch?

The rest of the rally went off without a hitch.  That was until Democrat Gunf Fapster got his penis skin stuck to the ice sculpture and and Republican Hetch Pedlert attempted to melt the surrounding ice...with his ass.

We gotta start going to more of these things.

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