Saturday, March 5, 2011

Overturned Yogurt Truck In Strawberry Field Remains Unmoved

At 3:17pm yesterday afternoon, a delivery truck for Yoplait jack-knifed and overturned along Route 44.  This accident caused several thousand gallons of plain vanilla yogurt to spill out of the truck and down a nearby slope in a thickened dairy avalanche.  Traffic was forced to a complete halt and emergency vehicles soon arrived on the scene.  "This is the worst yogurt spill I've seen in my time on the force," said Deputy Cheb.  "And I was right smack dab in the middle of that whole Go-Gurt massacre."

Yogurt in a tube?  BLASPHEMY!

Witnesses watched in horror as an elite rescue team raced to stop the yogurt flow.  Many men and women lost their lives in the struggle, but soon the truck had dumped its full load. Coincidentally, so did Abe Rowrowr, who exited his vehicle in the midst of the chaos and consumed some of the pro-biotic enriched slop.  "When they say it promotes digestive health," said Abe.  "They mean it."

Yogurt: Milk's Poop?

Cleanup efforts were set to begin immediately, but the fire department first had to notify the farmer whose strawberry farm had harbored much of the spill.  When they told Jorge Fushigi, owner and operator of Strawbungler Acres, he was ecstatic.  That being said, he refused to sign off on the warrant to excavate the massive yogurt piles from his fields.  "Shawdeah!" exclaimed Jorge as he fired six-shooters haphazardly into the air.  "I done hit the motherload now, Ma!" Strange Times would like to take this time to note that not all farmers are caricatures that resemble Yosemite Sam...only the ones that grow strawberries.

See that container?  It's filled with corpses.  Yup, they're gnatshit fucking nuts.

For the time being, the yogurt has remained untouched, but Fushigi promises that he has big plans for it, including "mixing", "combining", and "putting together" the yogurt with his strawberry crops.  "Truly genius," said Wayne Trout, agricultural analyst.  "That kind of business savvy could very well save the farmers of this great nation.  Damn tasty too."

Testimonies revealed that drivers began adding raisins, walnuts, and various toppings to the spill, then consuming it.  "I'm writing down all of their license plates," said a rookie on the force.  "Where I come from, that's considered tampering with evidence.  They're gonna fry for this."

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