Sunday, March 13, 2011

Serial Killer Promises To Probably Never Do It Again

San Antonio, TX-The sounds of celebration can be heard throughout Tejha Penitentiary today after the parole board's decision to finally grant freedom to notorious serial killer, Dwayne "Goo-Face" Grum.  Inmates, guards, and even the warden joined in the festivities to say farewell to the longtime deathrow resident.

Celebrate good times, c'mon!

Despite being turned down for parole several times in the past, the board's decision was swayed when Dwayne spoke truthfully on his own behalf.  He swore wholeheartedly that he would "probably never do anything like that again" and that his murderous tendencies/nightmarish visions of demons have "almost entirely gone away for the past few weeks".  He went on to say that he "sort of regrets butchering all those people" and if he had the chance to do it all over again, maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't.  "It's really a toss-up," said Grum.  "I know it was definitely kind of wrong of me to do, but it was a lot of fun, so who knows."

"Shovel or lead pipe?  Hell, why not both!"

The incident he was referring to was his infamous 1993 killing spree that left dozens dead and earned him his nickname, Goo-Face.  This, of course, stems from the nature of his murders, where Grum would  bludgeon his victims' faces until they resembled, well, goo.  "I remember the first Grum Killing I responded to when I was just a rookie," said a nostalgic officer with a glint of tears in his eyes.  "It was like someone put red rice pudding in a blender and hit puree without putting the top on.  That poor guy's head was just absolutely decimated.  Dwayne really knows his craft and I'm excited at the prospect of working with him again."

Dwayne was humble about his release and attempted not to make a scene, but the warden, Hugh Gorgolo, had other plans.  "Today we are honoring a man that not only murdered people," announced Gorgolo in front of the entire prison population while they helped themselves to an extensive pot luck dinner, including flash fried toilet-wine balls and a nice Greek salad bar.  "He simultaneously damned their souls to Hell by ritualistically practicing Satanism in his free time. Now, I've seen a lot of sick sons of bitches come and go over the years, but that's true dedication.  Dwayne...we're gonna miss you, buddy.  Shit, I promised myself I wouldn't cry." Applause was abundant.  Then it came time for Dwayne to give his farewell speech to the prison that had become his home and the social degenerates and lowlifes that had become his family.

"I p-p-promise to f-f-f-ffff-FUCKING SLIT YOUR THROATS!"

"I don't know if I deserve this," started Grum, but was reassured by his prison peers that he did, in fact, deserve to be unleashed...we mean, released back into society.  "I guess I want to start off by saying that, well, even after all these years, I'm still really fucking furious at my defense attorney, so if any of you know where that cocksucking coward lives, please let me know. You've all taught me so much about life, love, and how to torture someone with a toothbrush. For that I am grateful.  I guess that's it...oh yeah, I poisoned that cake I brought, so for all of you that ate it, which looks like a lot of you, I'll see you in Hell."

Reviews praised the cake for it's moisture and rich cream cheese frosting, but noted the subtle cyanidey aftertaste was a tad off-putting.

The gates opened for Dwayne at 5pm today for the first time in over 15 years.  The sun warmed his skin, the birds seemed to sing just for him, and the prison guards were kind enough to return his signature, comically-sized wrench.  "It still had chunks of hair and skull stuck to it," said a stunned Goo-Face. "It just brings back so many memories.  They even put a bow on it and everything.  I sure am gonna miss those guys, but that's okay. I'll be seeing a few of 'em...real soon."  Dwayne began cackling manically at this thought and he disappeared into the sunset after smashing an unsuspecting squirrel's face in.  "There goes a truly beautiful creature," said the guy who opened the gate. "It's not every day you get to see an eagle spread its wings after so many flightless years.  I just hope this world is good to him."

"It's a big day for all of us," noted the judge that originally convicted Grum.  "I fully expect to wake up tomorrow with dirty underwear crammed in my mouth and my legs hacked off, but you know...I'm okay with that."

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