Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Local Man Diagnosed With Hulkamania

Late last night, Garret Jumbrow was rushed to St. John Popper's Memorial Hospital's intensive care unit.  He was complaning of intense chest pains, skin discoloration that mimicked that of a hot dog, and an insatiable desire for a serious smackdown.  "The symptoms Mr. Jumbrow is exhibiting are textbook examples of late-stage Hulkamania," explained Garret's physician, Dr. Poop.  "It's a damn shame we didn't catch it sooner.  We could have suplexed that sucker right out of Garret, but now, unfortunately, it has spread to his lymph nodes and well...there's not much hope for him.  All we can do is pray that Suburban Commando isn't on cable this week."

A typical day in the life of the Hulkster.

Garret's Hulkamania reportedly began developing after he watched a recording of the famous 1987 WrestleMania 3 match where Hulk Hogan pinned the mighty Andre the Giant.  Jumbrow was supposedly so moved by the feat that he stood up on his couch and attempted to recreate the Hulk's running leg drop finisher move, but strained his groin before any punishment could be dealt out on the pile of cushions he set up in the center of the room.

Garret's boss and fellow employees at Rub and Dub's Fat Processing Plant grew concerned when he did not show up for his shift in the lard tunnel.  "That's totally unlike Jumbrow," said his supervisor Rub Dubster.  "I knew something was wrong, so I sent a couple of guys over there to check it out.  Production on the bite-sized fat sacks really took a hard hit as a result, but here at R&B, we're family.  And family doesn't let each other get Hulkamania."

"I don't think we can be friends anymore Jerry.  You've changed, man."

Larry and Tubley arrived at Garret's home just in time to stop him from body slamming a stray dog.  "He had that poor dog raised above his head," recounted the Larry.  "And this look in his eyes that neither of us have ever seen before."  Tubley nodded in agreement, adding "Yeah, yeah.  The G-Man was lookin' real crazy."

Garret was subdued by the two co-workers after they both reportedly took a savage beating by Mr. Jumbrow.  This was met with applause by witnesses and any fellow Hulkamaniacs in the area.  "Choke slams, elbow drops, piledrivers," shouted Biff Pitt, a survivor whose Hulkamania has gone into remission, aside from the occasional flare up. "I think he even laid a Gorilla Press Gutbuster on those fools."  It was a combination of a Flying Egyptian Facebreaker and an Inverted Samoan Slam that eventually did Garret in.  "No one could have seen that one coming!" announced a ref that had been on his way home from the grocery store and couldn't help but mediate the fight.  "Truly record book stuff, folks!"

The life of a ref is a strange one indeed.

After being admitted to the emergency room, Garret had to be restrained on a stretcher because he had begun tearing his clothes off to reveal his muscles in an intimidating display of strength.  "There was a cancer patient he kept calling Macho Man," said a nurse who saw the whole thing.  "As much as we'd all like to see that match-up, we had to sedate him before things got out of control."

Malignant growths beware, the Hulkster is here!

In a last ditch effort to stop the Hulkstrain from spreading, doctors placed Mr. Jumbrow in a dehulkinization chamber for a whopping 17 hours before the Hulkamania completely exited Garret's bloodstream.  He was released that very same day with a clean bill of health and a prescription for a tiger-print leotard to wear to sleep that would help keep the Hulkteria in check.

"This type of thing generally occurs in males, but I've seen one or two female cases," explained Dr. Poop.  "Scary stuff.  That's for sure." 

Case in point.

"It has really made me reevaluate my life," said Jumbrow as he gazed out at the horizon from atop a cliff face just at sunset.  "One night you go to bed as you, the next you wake up as this...monster.  Well, Hulkster, but you know what I mean."

Supposedly while still under the influence of his Hulkamania, Garret challenged the real Macho Man Randy Savage to an exhibition match on pay-per-view.  When Garret did not show up to this event, Macho reportedly hurled a folding chair at a group of reporters while shouting lyrics from his 2003 hip-hop album Be a Man, in which Randy repeatedly refers to Hogan as a coward and a "chump due for a butt-kicking"

The original Clash of the Titans.

When we contacted Hogan, he claimed that he "doesn't even wrestle anymore" and that we should "get the fuck off of (his) porch."

1 comment: