Friday, January 6, 2012

Local Man Can't Stop Watching Food Network, Starves To Death

Have you ever enjoyed watching food being prepared more than actually eating it?  Of course not!  And that's why you're still alive and kicking.  Or hopefully at the very least, petting cats too hard in the wrong direction.

 We love cats, but love breaking their bones even more.

The quality programming on the Food Network proved to be one man's downfall.  Dunger Oberveis, 33, apparently could not peel his feeble frame away from the couch for even a moment and risk missing one of Geoffery Zakarian's scathing reviews of an amateur dish on Chopped.  As a result, Oberveis' landlord had to notify police of a foul rotting stench coming from Dunger's apartment.  Upon using a helmeted officer as a battering ram, they discovered not only Dunger's decomposing remains, but page after page of his journal that outlined his descent into madness.

 When Ted Allen tells you not to go anywhere, you do fucking not.

It all began with a free trial holiday upgrade from his local cable provider...

December 17th, 2011

"Wow, I've never watched the Food Network HD before, but it makes a difference.  For serious, food has never looked so appealing.  With the holidays right around the corner, they're showing a lot of specials about cookies and roasts and...god damn, I'm getting pretty hungry myself.  Oh, hold on...Paula Deen's putting butter in something.  Shit, missed it.  Gotta pay more attention."

 Troll Ejaculate is a staple in Southern cuisine.

December 21st, 2011

"Alright, here's what I've figured out.  Right before they reveal the dish that lost, they go to commercials.  That's the way they always do it.  But I can't help but wonder that this is going to be the time they show who gets eliminated and I'll be in the kitchen with my thumb up my ass.  I've decided not to go to the bathroom, but rather shit between the cushions.  There's no going back now."

December 25th, 2011

"It has gotten to a point where the line between scheduled programming and advertisements is non-existent.  Even the ads for Guy Fieri's Signature Cutlery or that new show where Mario Batali sweats.  I just love it all so much.  I forgot it was Christmas today.  I didn't get anyone anything so I had to murder them all."

Next I will prepare...a cunt!

December 31st, 2011
 "I feel weak.  Like I'm wasting away.  The food film keeps on rollin'.  Oh yeah, crock pots, simmering sauce...steak, cake...*licks lips*, it's all so fucking unbelievably tasty.  Yet, I can't have any of it.  They're clearly preparing more than enough.  What do they do with the rest, just throw it out?  What about me?  Dunger's hungry too.  DO YOU HEAR ME, ALTON BROWN?!  I GOT DUNGA HUNGA!"

Alton's face when he saw his family torn apart by ants, 
you think he gives a fuck about you?

This chronicle is now being referred to by police and press alike as, The Dunger Diaries.  Speculation had it that Sean Penn would play Dunger in the movie adaption, but that rumor was nipped when he responded to questioning with "the fuck's a Dunger?". 

There you have it.  A tragic tale of television turning man into mush and a once perfectly good couch into a sponge for human fluid.  Perhaps we can all learn something from this.  Maybe we should shut off the idiot box and really live.  Or assemble some sort of feeding tube system for extended viewing sessions.  Do whatever, we don't care.

1 comment:

  1. randomly came across this site , loving it , my kinda humour