Housewife Falls Asleep On Her Stupid Face

On a recent red-eye flight from Tuscon to Sicily, 42-year-old Nannette Baulm fell asleep on her stupid goddam face, causing her to suffocate shortly after takeoff.  Early on in the flight Nannette asked a flight attendant for a pillow.  "I take my job seriously as shit," said the anonymous airline employee.  "Someone asks for a pillow, they get a pillow.  That's just how I live my life."  Having a chronic fear of strangers putting poison in her mouth while she sleeps, Nannette put the tray table down, leaned forward, and quickly fell asleep to the sounds of The Big Bang Theory coming through her headphones.  She had just purchased them for a reasonable $4.95, tax not included.  Though she had never watched the show before, she noted to her husband seated next to her that it was "pretty funny" before resting her head to, as she put it, "catch a couple of Z's".

 This guy died too, but from AIDS.

Jokester Crushed By Anvil In Unfunny Stunt

Yesterday afternoon, 16-year-old class clown James Tahee attempted to recreate a classic scene from his favorite cartoon by dropping an anvil on his head from great heights.  "I've always loved cartoon physics," said an optimistic Tahee, several hours before the stunt.  "Last summer I tried for weeks to run out over a ledge and just sort of hang in the air for a few seconds before falling, but all I got was a broken femur and spent about a year in traction."

"I'm sorry. Your spinal cord has been severed, cutting off all communication to your nerve endings. You'll never walk again.  Also, those glasses make you look like a nerd."

Local Man Can't Stop Watching Food Network, Starves To Death

Have you ever enjoyed watching food being prepared more than actually eating it?  Of course not!  And that's why you're still alive and kicking.  Or hopefully at the very least, petting cats too hard in the wrong direction.

 We love cats, but love breaking their bones even more.