Thursday, January 19, 2012

Jokester Crushed By Anvil In Unfunny Stunt

Yesterday afternoon, 16-year-old class clown James Tahee attempted to recreate a classic scene from his favorite cartoon by dropping an anvil on his head from great heights.  "I've always loved cartoon physics," said an optimistic Tahee, several hours before the stunt.  "Last summer I tried for weeks to run out over a ledge and just sort of hang in the air for a few seconds before falling, but all I got was a broken femur and spent about a year in traction."

"I'm sorry. Your spinal cord has been severed, cutting off all communication to your nerve endings. You'll never walk again.  Also, those glasses make you look like a nerd."

Tahee seemed hopeful about this stunt, though. "I've brought all variables into account.  I've found that in every cartoon, regardless of how high the anvil, bowling ball, or steel I-beam is dropped from, all damage can be undone by simply placing my thumb in my mouth, blowing really hard, and re-inflating my head.  Most likely followed by some sort of accordion sound." 

Accordion music is synonymous with teenage deaths.

Being that he was lacking a roadrunner or some sort of other arch nemesis, Tahee brought his longtime best friend John Jonesies to be the one who dropped the anvil.  "It sounded really sketchy, and not all that funny.  I mean, yeah I get it.  Cartoons and shit.  But, like...what's the point?  I told him it was a bad idea, but when he gets his heart set on something, there's really no stopping him."

James' parents knew what he was up to, but made no attempt to intervene.

"He was a good boy, but let's face it, he wasn't going anywhere.  I mean, kid wants to play with anvils, let 'em."

The stage was set.  James had fashioned a rope around a thick branch on a pear tree in his backyard.  The tree was only nine feet tall, but James claimed it would "have to do".  Jonesies held one end of the rope and attached the other securely to the two-hundred pound piece of steel he had acquired at a recent family reunion.

Tahee's Uncle Scalp, although recently divorced out of the family, still made an appearance.  Known for his work as a blacksmith at Renaissance fairs, James sought his ex-uncle's help in this endeavor.  "Cute little kid.  I always liked him, even if his aunt is a total twat," said a seething Scalp.  "I lent him my old anvil.  Ever since Skyrim came out, people just aren't as interested in authentic medieval weaponry.  It looks like my days of banging out broadswords are over, so what the hell."

 The choice between this or real life ain't a fucking choice at all.

Jonesies asked James one last time if he was "sure about this" before he cut the rope, at which James responded with a scoff and performed a raspberry using his inner arm.

As all basic logic and common sense would suggest, James died almost instantly upon the anvil's impact.

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