Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Local Man Interrupts Urinal Fart, Punished By Death

Dan Dadson entered the restroom several dozen afternoons ago with high hopes.  Knowing full well how to drain urine and expel excrement from his body, he stood in front of the receptacle and took out his wangle.  As the flow began, a tremendous pressure was lifted from Dadson's dong and he achieved a state of relaxation so blissful it made gravy seem uptight.

Gravy, harshin' potatoes buzz since 1966.

As he plunged further into the piss, he felt as though he was becoming one with his entire digestive tract.  Fluids, gasses, and a whole bunch of other crazy shit you could only find in Osmosis Jones.  He felt a swelling in his lower back that began to force itself downwards.

Groans, grumbles and gurgles murmured throughout the bathroom.  Dan believed this to be an amalgamation of many year's worth of sadness, anger, and sexual inadequacy.  With this fart, Dadson believed his soul's bowels and his bowels' soul would become lighter than ever thought possible.

 This, coming out of your butt.

At that moment, Samuel Tortilladillo burst onto the scene and hurried into the nearest stall he could find.  "I had to shit something awful," recalled Tortilladillo.  "I'd eaten a lot of cherry tomatoes the day before and let's just say they weren't stopping to ask permission."

This sudden interruption stymied Dadson's flow, of spirit and pee-pee, causing his wandering mind to snap back to a bleak reality.  He stared at a crudely drawn ape on the wall sodomizing a big-breasted stick figure that someone had drawn earlier, wincing slightly at the burning sensation in his urethra from stopping mid-stream.

 This, inside your dick.

The rest of the scene played out much like a fight scene from your favorite action film.  The only difference is that it was two grown men clumsily pounding on each other with their pants down.  Luckily, two gentlemen were banging in the next stall over and witnessed the entire incident.  Upon finishing on each others' blazers, they called for help. 

A park deputy sped over on his Razor Scooter and apprehended the two men, now basted in their respective sauces.  "It was quite the scene," said Deputy Durturd.  "It ain't nothin' new, but I'll be damned if I don't hate seeing a piss-fart go unrelieved.  That kinda thing can ruin a man."

Dadson and Tortilladillo were cuffed and driven downtown, but Dadson was released shortly thereafter.  Being regulation for all cases of this magnitude, Tortilladillo was denied legal representation and unceremoniously beheaded in the parking lot behind the police station.

 We would've taken that chair if they didn't get head juices all over it...shit, we might still take it.

When the Tortilladillo family was notified of Samuel's indiscretions, they were outraged and beheaded as well.  "Makes no difference to me," said Slim Cheebo, the town executioner.  "You take away a man's butt burp, you're nothing but a dog to put down."

"To this day, all I can think about is that fart and how it never came.  It was right there.  I could almost smell it," said a seething Dadson, months after the incident.  "Alive or dead, it'll never be the same.  That fart would've changed everything."

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