Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Local Man Cannot Fully Enjoy Breakfast

While on his 35, sometimes 43 minute commute via bus to work, Bradley Shuda suddenly became very self-conscious of his morning eating habits.  "Usually I just pack a granola bar," recounted Bradley.  "You know, those chewy Quaker ones.  Ain't got no problems with those."

 Oh, we got problems.  Big problems.

Something was different about this day.  Not being able to make it to the grocery store because of a recently exploded heart, Anne Shuda apologized to her husband for having to take a Nature Valley granola bar on his way out the door.

"The second I unwrapped that puppy, I knew we were gonna have trouble.  Crinkling, crunching, not to mention the crumbs.  Surely everyone around me thought I was some kind of loud-eating, mouth-breathing slob who gets little bits of shit all over public transit floors.  And that isn't me."


This is far from the first instance of Bradley's sometimes crippling self-consciousness.  Chapped lips and awkward boners have plagued Shuda throughout his life.  "Oh yeah, I remember young Bradley," said 6th grade History teacher, Mash McGinny.  "Kid was goofy as piss.  And not in a funny, class-clown sort of way either.  Just plain old creepy." 

Two summers ago, Shuda did not leave the house for a month after someone pointed out a booger hanging from his nose.  "I had felt something there all day," said Shuda with a lump in his throat.  "I can't believe I just let it dangle."  This event took a toll on his confidence and he soon began douching his nostrils every morning.

Shown: A sure fire way to never fuck again. 

Fellow commuters claim to have not minded Shuda's edible audibility, but a homeless man in the back of the bus eyed the bits of floor-food with the kind of judgement that could only mean, "you wasteful cunt."  Shuda finished the first Nature Valley bar, but to his dismay was faced by another.  

Rather than battling the second bar, he tried to stuff it back into the wrapper and save it for later.  This only caused further problems as the package split too far down the middle, causing a large portion of the second bar to break off and land on his lap.  Shuda, traumatized by this display of inconvenient dining on-the-go, stood up abruptly and exited the bus.  "It was thirty blocks before my stop, but fuck that shit," said a winded Bradley.  "I'd rather hoof it than pick oats off my cock like some kind of freak.  I'm just gonna mark this one up as a loss and try again tomorrow."

 Some people suck.

Reportedly the remaining passengers on the bus were indeed laughing at Shuda under their breath and whispering behind his back.  Not because of the breakfast bar fiasco, but because he had sat in a fresh load produced by the very same homeless man who would go on to eat those crumbs.  And boy did he ever. 

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