Medical Breakthrough Debunks Fruit-Related Myth

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".  This commonplace advice has been around for years and years in order to get children to eat their fruit.  Recent news has proved this to be untrue as extensive testing revealed the dangers of overconsumption of apples.  "Two apples a day, that'll give ya a mean case of Dick Cancer," explained Dr. Henry Lawlin, the leading physician at the Medical Center of Medicinal Medicine in Austin, Texas.  "Three?  Well if you're going around eating three apples, you won't have to worry about the side effects because you'll be dead.  Yup.  Dead as shit."

Evil has a new face, but it's not a face...it's a peel...or like, weird fruit-skin stuff.  It doesn't matter, just don't eat apples anymore, okay?

Apple orchards across the nation are taking immediate action by burning down their crops and salting the soil, so that never again can these deliciously deadly tree-treats endanger the lives of our women and children.  "It cuts deep that apples would dog us like this," said an emotional Frank Prowpolo, longtime lover of apples.  "What am I supposed to do now to keep my doctor away?  He's always standing outside of my house with those damn rubber gloves, just waiting to get his sausage-fingers inside of me.  Fuck.  I guess I'll try oranges or something."

"Just breathe slowly, relax, and imagine that my finger...is a penis."

Doctors rejoiced at this news, citing apples as the cause of the healthcare debate currently tearing the country in half.  "Finally, those bastards got knocked off their pedestal," said an unemployed cardiologist standing outside of a grocery store, looking menacingly through the glass at the produce aisle.  "They've been taking bread out of my kids mouths for too long."

Even though studies have shown that eating a single apple every day can and almost certainly will boost your immune system and prevent you from taking a trip to the doctor's office, most have come to the agreement that it's "better not to risk it".  "Well, it all depends on what your definition of "day" is," reasoned a man who couldn't decide whether or not to get french fries or apple slices with his meal.  "Can I eat one at midnight if I ate one for breakfast?  What about apple sauce?  Apple pies?  These are the questions you need to be asking."

Our only regret about this whole thing is that future generations won't know the pleasure of pie-penetration.

When we asked who we should direct these apple-related inquiries to, the man did not respond, but rather looked at us with tears in his eyes and muttered, "I just remembered I drank some cran-apple juice this morning...I didn't think that would count, but I'm not feeling so good.  I'm dying.  My biggest regret is that I never owned a bowling ball."  He died shortly thereafter.

Cranberries are currently under close investigation.  Pomegranates were supposed to be brought in for questioning, but reportedly no one at the police station knew what one looked like.