Recent Study Yields Startling Results!

So you ordered a salad instead of a steak and you're feeling pretty good about yourself.  Not only are you slimming down the waistline, but you're protecting those cute animals from meeting the grim, chunk-covered face of death's bloody hammer.  Well think again, gordo.

Shitty Young Adult Author Publishes Shitty Young Adult Series

Nowadays it seems that everyone and their limbless brother has a book deal with options for a film franchise and soft drink ad campaign.  The latest vile worm of the written word is Cynthia Winterson, a 26-year old graduate from some school you can't afford.  Armed with a Master's degree in Making Shit Up, Winterson has stormed the youth literature scene, scoring a major contract with WangDang! Publishing out of Manhattan just last week.

Local Man Wants To Do Everything

As children, our minds become quickly crammed with limitless possibility.  We believe we can do anything with enough elbow grease and tit milk.  As we grow older, life happens.  By "happens", we mean it grabs you by the cheek skin and repeatedly rams a titanium fist into your lower abdomen until every shred of aspiration seeps out of your gaping wounds.

Anyone else wanna kick this guy?

So You Wanna Be An Assassin: How To Kill With Class

Are you tired of hotshots like Martin Luther King Jr. and John Lennon traipsing around your town, making your life look mediocre in comparison?  So what if they're more talented and courageous than you?  Who cares if they can enunciate well in front of thousands?  None of that matters when a bullet drills through their cranial cavity, splattering innocent bystanders with blood and brain fragments.  That's where you come in!

President in a convertible?  You're practically asking for it.

Gangs: They're The Best!

Standards.  Hard work.  Reward.  What does it all mean? We struggle every single day to make something of ourselves in this crazy, mixed-up world and what do we get?  Jack Shit.  John Poopy.   We go to school for years to get an easily burnable piece of paper designating us professionals and in the end we all wind up rotting away in a cubicle, silently twisting and tugging on our own nipples.  Homeless men ejaculating on our sleeves and tree stump worshipers spitting in our eyes.  No loot, no swag, no hoes and no respect. That is unless, you wise up and join a gang!

Shown: Smart.

Strange Times Joins Fight Club

Strange Times is pissed.  Not the usual kind of pissed either.  Usually we can fix that by throwing some steak seasoning in orphan eyes.  But today, hoooh boy.  We are ready to let the world have it.  We're more mad than that time we caught our wives in bed with an Olympic team of firefighting rockstars.  If only there were a way to take out our aggression.  A way to relieve some of this stress that doesn't involve strangling our wangles.

While walking solemnly across town, kicking cans and pouting at our reflections in every storefront, we heard sounds of a tussle coming from within a seemingly abandoned warehouse.  Entering the building, we were immediately hit with dozens of stern stares.  A group of men, varying in age and shape, covered in bodily fluids and trying desperately to act nonchalant.

Look at asses much, guy on the right?

Strange Times Turns 100!

That's right folks.  It's here.  The 100th article.  Bet you thought we'd never get here, huh?  Well here it is, plopped into your laps like a steaming text log.  We know we haven't always been the most consistent in releasing news, but truth be told, sometimes there's just nothing going on.  Absolutely zilch.  That doesn't even take into account all of the werewolf uprisings that we've stomped out while simultaneously bringing you the good stuff.  The hard-hitting squirters.  The juicy giblets.  Cut us some slack.

Dr. Slack: She'll clench ya.

Fortune Teller Predicts 'Nothing Much'

You may have noticed recently that you aren't dead.  The birds are chirping, the sun is shining and your neighbor with the nice calves is mowing his grass as often as usual.  Our world did not end as foretold by ancient civilizations, preached by televangelists and shouted by street scum, complete with little chunks of hot dog flying out of their mouth.

 TAKE THIS PAMPHLET!

Strange Times' Guide to Finding Love

Quick!  Stop pawing at your pud, put some pants on and get out there, champ.  We've stood idly by while you've single-handedly decimated even the slimmest chance you had of getting any action this Valentine's Day.  Staining your shirts with marinara (the unsexiest of sauces), cutting out exercise entirely (sleep sweating doesn't count) and suffering from a rare condition known as "Stink Flesh" (also, a chronic case of Ugly Face).  But all that's behind you.  We're about to give you a crash course in lovin', lustin' and if you don't screw it up, bustin' a nut all over that special someone.

Jewelry is nice, but lukewarm ejaculate is even better.

Horror Movie Shakes Viewers

We all go to the movies.  Except for Jimmy in accounting, but fuck that guy.  We hear he has eczema and that's just gross.  Besides for that philistine dingaling, Strange Times is in full support of cinema and all of its twitching limbs.  Each year, countless tales of intrigue, romance and animated woodland creatures sucking each other off hit screens across the globe.  Whether its to our amusement or disgust, ultimately it is the audience that makes or breaks a film.

"Boy oh boy!  It's like he's cumming right on us!"

Planters Peanuts Mascot Revealed to be Dehyrdated Wizard, Consumers Appauled.

For decades, we have watched Planters Peanuts parade their dancing, monocled mascot on televisions and billboards across the globe.  Twirling his cane, tipping his hat and gyrating his pelvis in a most unsettling manner.  Well, you better sit down for this one.  Cuz that ain't no peanut.  That's a god damn 5,000-year old wizard.

Your dreams will never be safe again.