Fortune Teller Predicts 'Nothing Much'

You may have noticed recently that you aren't dead.  The birds are chirping, the sun is shining and your neighbor with the nice calves is mowing his grass as often as usual.  Our world did not end as foretold by ancient civilizations, preached by televangelists and shouted by street scum, complete with little chunks of hot dog flying out of their mouth.

 TAKE THIS PAMPHLET!

Strange Times' Guide to Finding Love

Quick!  Stop pawing at your pud, put some pants on and get out there, champ.  We've stood idly by while you've single-handedly decimated even the slimmest chance you had of getting any action this Valentine's Day.  Staining your shirts with marinara (the unsexiest of sauces), cutting out exercise entirely (sleep sweating doesn't count) and suffering from a rare condition known as "Stink Flesh" (also, a chronic case of Ugly Face).  But all that's behind you.  We're about to give you a crash course in lovin', lustin' and if you don't screw it up, bustin' a nut all over that special someone.

Jewelry is nice, but lukewarm ejaculate is even better.

Horror Movie Shakes Viewers

We all go to the movies.  Except for Jimmy in accounting, but fuck that guy.  We hear he has eczema and that's just gross.  Besides for that philistine dingaling, Strange Times is in full support of cinema and all of its twitching limbs.  Each year, countless tales of intrigue, romance and animated woodland creatures sucking each other off hit screens across the globe.  Whether its to our amusement or disgust, ultimately it is the audience that makes or breaks a film.

"Boy oh boy!  It's like he's cumming right on us!"

Planters Peanuts Mascot Revealed to be Dehyrdated Wizard, Consumers Appauled.

For decades, we have watched Planters Peanuts parade their dancing, monocled mascot on televisions and billboards across the globe.  Twirling his cane, tipping his hat and gyrating his pelvis in a most unsettling manner.  Well, you better sit down for this one.  Cuz that ain't no peanut.  That's a god damn 5,000-year old wizard.

Your dreams will never be safe again.

Government Announces 'Spensive Renovation

In a shocking and sudden press conference this afternoon, plans were revealed for a government project that would cost nearly several many billion dollar bills probably.  "No more stairs," announced Antoine Anchove, Secretary of Steps.  "The charade has gone on long enough.  From now on, it's escalators all the way, baby."  A record number of gasps were reported.

Middle-Aged Bully Reminisces On Nerd Bashing Days

Chaz Braundochenko sits in a dingy one bedroom apartment on the upper east side of Iowa City.  His entire body quivers like a fragile wad of clenching fury.  His varicose veins create a bulgy grid of weakly pulsing blood that travels to all of his flabby extremities and back to his fat-encrusted heart.  In his prime, Chaz was the all star varsity scrubber for his high school's curling team, as well as the tri-county bullying champion.  Ranking nationally in wedgies, depth and emotional scarring taken into consideration, leading in spitballs into teachers' mouths accuracy, and second in the state in squeezing milk cartons so it comes out of kids' noses, Braundochenko enacted many changes within the bully community.  Now, he's just some guy remembering stuff.

We think we've used this picture before, but that kid is just such a wuss.

Confetti: An Insider's Peep

“What’re you crazy?” said CEO James Caanfetti of Caanfetti Confetti Company.  “You've got no idea what you’re getting into here.  I think it'd be best if you marched on out of here and forget we ever spoke.  And take your stinking ape with you."  This is the welcome our battalion of infield reporters received on the front steps of the world's largest distributor of little itty bitty pieces of party paper.  There have been rumors circulating about some shady, saucy activity going down within their factory walls, so naturally we decided to stick our greasy noses all up in their well-oiled junk.

We can't say they weren't asking for it.  Just look at those Crow's Feet.

Local Man Prefers Single Stuffed

If there's one thing the human race knows how to do, it's stuff.  Bodies into trunks, wieners into butts and other assorted stuffings into various stuff-holes.  Perhaps the most recognizable example is the white stuff wedged in between those brown cookie-like crisps.  You know the ones.

 Yup, gotta love those unnamed cookies.

Local Man Wishes He Had Held Baby Raccoon

Early yesterday afternoon while mowing his lawn, Clyde Bridesdale examined something out of the ordinary making its way down his street.  A small pack of children with smiles spread across their faces.  Happiness, a rare sight and confusing concept to Clyde, struck him with curiosity and he walked towards the kids.  "It took me a few minutes to build up the nerve to go over," explained Clyde.  "I always think their parents are watching and they'll mistake me for a child humper, which I'm totally not."
 

Who says you need to be an adult to touch kids?

Gym Teacher Fears Strong Kids, Sabatoges Curriculum

If you are a reader of Strange Times, chances are your state of health leaves something to be desired.  Whether you have high cholesterol, a mean case of ugly-skin, or are just plain fat as fuck, we're banking on the fact that there's a gaping hole in your self-confidence.  Luckily for all you malnourished nutbags, there are fitness trainers, nutritionists, and others out there who have dedicated their lives to boosting confidence and toning nasty asses.  Pete Buchanan is one of these people.  Pete teaches physical education.  Really badly.

Alright kids, time for wristy-strainy's.