Wednesday, January 5, 2011

30-Second Headache Medicine

The latest headache relief medicine on the market has been pulled from shelves all across America in the largest recall since the Great Poopsicle Scare of '76 (yes, Poopsicle).  It turns out that the drug advertised as 30-second headache relief does not actually cure headaches in 30 seconds, but rather only cures headaches for 30 seconds.

"Ahhh, finally my headache is...wait, fuck.  It's back again."

Consumers are having a fit, but the company responsible claims that they couldn't have made it more clear in their commercials and on their packaging that these pills only granted very temporary relief.  "Why?  Why make a drug like this?" said a man with a pounding migraine.  "I just...FUCK, my head hurts so bad, you know?  I can't even talk to you guys because I have to keep eating these pills!  This is my fourth box and I haven't even had lunch yet."

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, baby.  All day, every day.

Despite the frustration at the pills lack of lasting effect, sales have been rising steadily since their introduction into the market.  "You know, I'm actually starting to like this shit.  Before when I took headache medicine, I was relieved for hours.  Like...all day.  What's the fun in that?  How do you even know if it's working if you can't be relieved at least two times a minute?" said another man whose head had swollen to the size of a human head, only bigger.

We'd like to believe this guy is just super smart and that's why his head is so big, but...wer'e doubtful.

In light of this pill's success, the company that shall not be named has released a new drug that provides instant flu protection.  Once ingested, it works immediately, but also wears off immediately.  In addition, the pill actually gives you a case of the flu, so once you've taken one, you have to continue ingesting more pills around the clock to stifle off the unceasing urge to vomit.

The guy on the right has been a user of instant flu protection since 2006.  Mixing the pills with alcohol is not only recommended, but required.

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