Friday, January 21, 2011

Local Man's Financial Dilemma

The economy is in the toilet, that much is certain.  Stocks, mortgages, and tax breaks are all...fucked up.  Uh...we need more bailouts too.  Or less of them.  And...um...the national treasury is being depleted by left wing conservative moderate socialists who are trying to use the Constitution to mop up after their circle-jerks.  What we're trying to say is that no one can possibly understand the government, not even the people running it.  Anyone who says they know something about anything is guaranteed to be 100% full of shit.

We may not know much, but we know that this means something sucky is happening.

One man has been hit particularly hard by this stroke of economic bad luck, but not how you might think, unless you're a fortune teller, then you know exactly what you're about to read and it wouldn't make sense for you to be reading it right now.  Isley Anusface is not unemployed and does not live in poverty.  He makes a decent salary and is able to pay off all of his bills on time.  However, that does not mean he isn't suffering.

Unlike this sympathy-monger.

Isley was doing the laundry last week to get that terrible skin smell out of all of his clothes.  He turned his pants inside out, so he could have easier access to scrub the cum stains from the knees.  As he did this, something shiny fell to the floor.  A piece a raw iron?  A miniature robot?  No!  It was an ordinary dime.  Isley had received the dime as change when he purchased a roll of Rolos the other day.  "Yeah for some reason I was just like...craving Rolos, so I bought some." 

If we had a dime for all the stories we've heard about Rolos and dimes...we'd have a dime.

When he bent down to pick up the dime and insert it into his fanny pack, something happened.  Or rather something didn't happen.  Isley could not grasp the dime.  He tried and tried, but all he was able to do was slide the dime around on the floor.  "I tried to keep it out of my mind," said Anusface.  "I didn't want to admit it, but eventually I accepted the fact that I had cut my fingernails too short and there was no way I could get the dime off the ground."

Fingernails: Friend or Foe?

Isley stayed in the laundromat for hours until someone finally asked him to leave.  He left the dime, but intended on returning the next day to resume what he had started.  "It was horrible.  Worst night of my life.  All these things that cost 10 cents kept taunting me.  Gum, jawbreakers, Homies.  That kind of stuff.  I mean...I had like a bunch of bills in my wallet, but I didn't really wanna break any.  That'd just result in more change and that's just not something I'm ready to deal with right now."

The Latin American Culture condensed down to 2-inch plastic figurines.

When questioned on why he cut his fingernails so shortly, Isley responded defensively.  "I had crud under there, okay?  Dirt or some shit.  I was peeling carrots yesterday and swear I got orange shit under there.  I kept cutting 'em down shorter, but couldn't get 'em clean.  Before I knew it, I was just slicing off chunks of my finger-meat."

If carrots could talk...they wouldn't.  They would only scream.

Isley was barred from returning to the laundromat the following day.  The police found him laying face first in a pile of discarded socks behind the building and took him downtown for questioning.  "He didn't say anything the entire ride back," said one of the arresting officers.  "Talk about awkward.  Even that guy that ate his wife's face at least chipped in for gas money."

"I think we even stopped at McDonalds.  Man, that was a good fish sandwich."

After questioning Isley for a little over 60 seconds, the police learned the reason for his strange behavior.  "What a stupid fucking problem to have.  Like, I'm getting divorced, my kids hate me, and I'm pretty sure my dick's rotting off, but you don't see me moping around like a big crybaby.  So I just threw a handful of quarters at the guy and sent him home."

This strategy can be used to solve most of life's difficult problems.

Isley returned home with a new outlook on life.  His pocket jangled with the refreshing sound of bacteria-covered metal.  "Obviously I still miss my dime, but I mean, this new change is good too."  As far as the dime on the laundromat floor, no one will ever know the full truth of what happened after that day.  Except the guy that picked it up the next day...only he knows.   

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