Tuesday, January 4, 2011

X-ray Glasses See Through Existence

Recently, a man, one Victor Glimp, bought a pair of X-ray glasses from Laughski McLoaf's Joke and Prank Emporium.  Glimp bought the glasses since he had already bought many products from McLoaf's, including his prosthetic penis, which has more than paid for itself in laughs alone.

Yup, now you've seen a prosthetic penis...congratulations.

Victor ordered the X-ray glasses because he had recently been on a comic book kick and wanted nothing more than to be able to have the power of Superman, but maintain his crass and filthy imagination.  The idea of seeing people's nudy parts intrigued and enticed him for, as a human male, he enjoyed looking at human females naked...and some human males, like the guy that delivered the X-ray glasses.

Victor didn't ask him to come inside...he also didn't ask why he wasn't wearing any clothes.  To be completely honest, he didn't care.

That night, Victor found himself alone.  The smell of the delivery guy's musk was smeared across his upper lip, but he couldn't remember how it got there.  He opened the package containing the X-ray glasses and put them on.  His eyes braced themselves to be blown as he stared down at his own trousered legs.  "I just got super amped so see my dick.  Usually, I can't even stand to look at it while I'm peeing, but this was a special occasion," said Victor before putting the glasses on.

Man will spend years regretting the invention of pants and a lifetime attempting to undo the damage that they have done.

Once Victor put the glasses on, his jaw dropped.  He began convulsing wildly and a brownish paste began making its way out of Victor's mouth.  It sort of looked like dog food when you plop it straight out of the can...we couldn't find a picture for you, but you know what we're talking about.  

Victor was able to rip the glasses from his face and compose himself.  We asked him what he saw and after an intense moment of deep and silent reflection, he opened his mouth.  "I've seen things...things you cannot comprehend.  I know now the meaning of the universe and all life existing within it.  I spoke with God and Satan.  We discussed everything from religion, to government, to the ending of Inception.  We-"  He began saying something else, but we cut him off...literally, he wouldn't stop talking, so we had to prod him with a fillet knife.

If you poke them with this and they keep talking...poke harder.  If they keep talking, well...they won't keep talking if you poke hard enough, so don't worry about it.

We asked Victor how he saw all of these things.  After several more knife-jabs to get him talking again, he told us what had happened.  "Those glasses saw through more than clothes.  They even saw through muscle, organs, and bones.  They saw through my very soul.  I saw what lay beneath the carpet and beyond.  Grass, dirt, buried treasure...I saw through it all.  I saw directly through the magma-filled core of Earth and clear through China.  Even the infinite and encompassing blanket of space did not deter my vision from piercing through it.  When all the layers had finally been peeled away...I saw Heaven and Hell at the same time.  Millions and millions of souls, damned and saved, all in perfect sight.  Even better yet, they were all totally fucking naked.  Lemme tell you something...dudes with bigger dicks almost always end up in Hell.  Just something I noticed."

This is what Victor saw...minus all the exposed dongs.

So there you have it, X-ray glasses see through everything and allow man to behold something we will never fully understand...unless we put the glasses on, which we sure as shit are not going to do because well, it sounds fucking horrifying.

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