Thursday, August 5, 2010

4 Reasons Bigfoot Should Be Left The F*** Alone

Reasons why Bigfoot should be left the f*** alone
Every Tom, Dick and Harry has their own opinion on whether or not Sasquatch exists. This dispute has been raging on since the days where the last thing your scalp needed to worry about was dandruff. Some believe he was a protector or a guardian, whereas others believed that he was a sinister creature spawned from evil that would prowl the night air and feast on children’s screams. Others (morons) simply choose not to believe because of lack of scientific evidence. But regardless of where you stand on this issue, there is no denying the existence of the very real, very greasy, very depressed/ing…Bigfoot Hunters. This group has singlehandedly beaten out all of the competition for most deranged and pathetic hobby…or is it a job? If so, who pays them? On the other hand, who really cares? Now, we here at Strange Times are firm believers in Sasquatch, but we have no intention on ever catching him…and let us give you a few reasons why:

1. Bigfoot (or BF as he will further be known) is much stronger than us…and you…and everyone else. Have you seen the people who search for Bigfoot? A diet of cheese laden gas station cuisine and shattered dreams are not going to bulk you up enough to fight a 10 foot tall primate. BF will gut anyone who crosses his path like a surgeon who just got laid off, except he doesn’t know anything about surgery…and he doesn’t wash his hands. We hope they do find BF, just so he can rip them flabby limb from flabby limb.

2. Bigfoot is more dedicated to remaining uncaught than you are to catching him. Everyone can see the appeal of taking the wife and kids out for an afternoon Squatch-hunt, but you are simply wasting your time. BF’s entire life has been one giant struggle to remain unseen and free and what makes you think you are going to be the one to accidentally stumble across him? Chances are, when you’re out there having a grand ole time, he is lurking in some nearby brush…watching you…plotting your downfall.

3. Bigfoot needs no gadgets, gizmos, bells, or whistles to be a woodland mercenary. The fact is, if you just blew your children’s college funds on a high speed, night vision, infrared, 1000X zoom camera/waffle maker, you are in for a rude surprise. A rude, hairy, murderous, screeching with anger surprise. All of the toys in the world aren’t going to defend you against his god given weapon known as instinct. What you have to call tech support to learn how to use, he can do with twigs and mud. BF is like a Monkey MacGyver, except he has a lot more time on his hands and feels a lot less remorse for breaking your spine. Chances are when you’re staring into his cold, unforgiving eyes as he chokes the life out of your wriggling body, you aren’t going to be wondering about the return policy on your breathable, poly latex rain poncho.

4. Bigfoot is the only one who is a Bigfoot Expert. Cryptozoologist, Rare Species Specialist, and similar titles are just clever ways of saying Professional Virgin and Doctor of Being Lonely. So you just sat home with the flu and watched 17 hours of Monster Quest, Unsolved Mysteries, and Bigfeet: The Shoe Deal That Changed America and you think you are ready to take on Sas. You are painfully mistaken. That’s like fighting a Marine because you saw a movie with a boat in it once or wrestling in an underground, no holds barred cage match just because you own your own fluorescent leotard. By the way, have you noticed that at the end of every episode, they don’t catch BF? That isn’t a coincidence. It is scientific fact that if you take the same idiots, but put them on national television, they will continue to yield the same idiotic results.

So there you go folks. If you are still convinced that you are the ultimate game hunter, then we encourage you to follow your ambitions. After all, this world needs entertaining obituaries and the forest floor is begging to be fertilized by your entrails.

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