Saturday, August 7, 2010

Galactic Skin Shortage Hits Home

Skin. Soft, sensitive, and the most supple shade of pink. It’s truly a beautiful thing…well, sometimes. Sometimes it’s nothing but an ass-fugly sheet of meat stretched thinly across a lumpy, misshapen body; riddled with erupting boils, scorching rashes, and hair in all the wrong places. But whether you have the skin of a newborn baby or a wildebeest with an acne problem and dry elbows, it is still highly valuable. You might be wondering, “But who would want MY skin?” Good question considering what you do with that flesh rag you call skin in your free time. Is it the Melanoma Men from Mars? Nope. The Eczema People of Ethiopia? Not a chance. There is an intergalactic race out there that craves your skin like you crave someone to dress you up in a toga and call you Caesar…that’s right, we read your diary.

THE SKINLESS ASTRO GOONS FROM SECTOR FIVE! These heinous hide hunters have been roaming the galaxy for as long as skin has existed, so about a dozen or so years. Their home planet is in, you guessed it, Sector Five. Sector 5 is located in between Sectors 4 and 6, but is farther away than Sector 8 (a.k.a. really god damn fucking far away). Just imagine if you took a pebble or a small rodent of some sort, wound up, and chucked it, just like REALLY threw it with all your might towards Sector 5. It would actually be farther away than before you threw it. In Sector 5, the weather forecast makes the Lava Planet in the Galaxy of Humidity look like a beach resort in Boca. They have 30 suns and their days last the length of ten moons, but they don’t have any moons. Their environment is so harsh that their skin melts right off like butter on toast, revealing a bloody pile of space monster…much like toast does when it reveals its true form. So they have scoured the universe searching for skin suitable of their home planet. Rather than moving to any of the infinite amount of other, perfectly livable galaxies, they’ve decided to tear across the cosmos and leave more skinned knees in their wake than a multiple amputee rollerblading tournament.

But don’t just roll over and take it! Many are standing up to these fiends that are hell-bent on making Custer’s Last Stand look like a haircut party. And you can too! One man with skin had this to say, “Where do these guys get off? I’ve had skin basically my entire life and all of a sudden these skinless jerks are gonna steal it? That shit might fly in those commie countries, but not in America! No SIR!” Citizens of Earth are clearly upset at the fact possibility of being harvested for their skin, so we’ve aimed to combat these fears with a three-paragraph excerpt from our 1,000 page guide to saving your ass and your ass skin.


“Know Your Enemy” from Chapter 6: There are no skin police. There isn’t someone sitting at the foot of your bed while you sleep, protecting your skin, gingerly brushing the hair off of your face, and sensually breathing on your neck. It’s a tough fact to accept, but the sooner you do, the sooner you can become your own bodyguard. Astro Goons in their natural state are roughly 8 feet tall, ferociously barrel-chested, and emit a milk-curdling agony screech from the second they are born until the second they die. This is their way of coping with the white hot, blinding pain caused by microscopic dust particles and bacteria landing on the moist, swollen, and festering surface of their bodies. This doesn’t mean that they couldn’t be hiding in plain sight. It’s for this reason that you must SUSPECT EVERYONE! Your priest, your mechanic, even your family…especially your family. If you suspect everyone, no one can suspect you. Unless they have a reason to suspect you. Should they suspect you? Are you one of them? ARE YOU?!

“Defense Tactics” from Chapter 24: So aliens have chosen your hometown for their newest target? Congratulations! You have a once in a lifetime opportunity to come face to face with extraterrestrials! Unfortunately, one of you will be extracting the other’s face like a fried egg off of a non-greased pan. But there is still hope! If there’s one thing that Astro Goons hate more than anything, it’s Sodium Chloride. Also known as Salt. Also known as Yum Yum Dust in some cultures. Salt will act as your last and only line of defense. Guns, knives, and explosives are simply child’s play in the Goons’ destructive path. “But what if I use something more acidic? Like lemon juice or highly corrosive chemicals? Wouldn’t that work better than regular salt?” you asking in a whiney voice. The only thing Astro Goons hate more than salt is little babies that question handbooks. Unless you purchase Strange Times’ Official Alien Salting Salt for several, moderately difficult payments of an undetermined amount of money, YOU. WILL. DIE. We’ll make sure of it. You’re going to want to put this salt everywhere. But don’t eat it. Trust us. Sprinkle it on your clothes, your furniture, even on your food! Just don’t eat it.

“Take The Offensive” from Chapter 89: If you’ve made it this far in the handbook, then surely you followed our tips. How wise of you. By now, the ratio of living space to designated bathroom corner has surely shifted in the corner’s favor. You might be wondering when you’re going to be able to get out there on the frontline and help your fellow man. The answer is never. You left that life permanently the day you bought this book and made the decision not to be just another skinless statistic. Besides, the world is not the one you grew to love any longer. While you were safe and secure in your fortress of salt, everyone you ever knew or loved was being turned into a flopping mess of organs and fat juice, like some kind of inside-out slug-human abomination. You should be ashamed of yourself. Assimilation back into the world will be a difficult task, but not impossible. First thing’s first, cut off all of your skin. From your head down to your toes and back up to your gooch. Also, society will have evolved to levitate to prevent touching the ground and causing intense pain, so you’ll definitely have to learn how to do that pretty quickly. Next, you need to buy an even bigger supply of Strange Times’ Desalting Scabifier and Spice Blend. Generously apply this product to every square inch of your body (also, don’t forget the circle inches!) for every minute of every day to prevent massive blood loss. This will not only form an itchy, hair and puss filled shield against the elements, but provide you will a delicious seasoning to add a little zing to any meal.

You are now prepared to take the brunt of a full blown space invasion! Now, the Astro Goons should be arriving sometime between tomorrow morning and three-thousand years from now. Space travel is very difficult to gauge, so just to be cautious you might want to skip right to cutting your skin off.

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