Thursday, August 5, 2010

Late Night T.V. Host Reveals Cult Scheme, Ratings Soar

Let us paint a picture for you. You are lying in bed, satisfied, having just proved that you CAN recite every line of Robocop 1 and 2. You are about to shut your eyes and drift off to a fanastimagical dreamland where you have no bills to pay, no dead end job, no crippling loneliness, no deep rooted abandonment/commitment issues, no patchy facial hair or receding hair line, no ingrown toenail that the podiatrist has operated on several times, but has not improved at all and in fact your toe has caved in on itself and earned you the new nickname “9 Toe Joe”…but we digress. And right as you are about to shut off your TV, something catches your eye. You have never ventured onto this channel before, but you couldn’t resist the double feature of robotic justice and now you are going to pay the price, you damned fool. A lone man sitting at a desk appears on screen. He is wearing a tweed jacket and you can see it in his eyes that he is not wearing anything below that. He begins to talk, but you hear nothing, as all of your attention has fleeted to the plastic bamboo plant in the corner. It sits quietly, mocking you as it casts thick, crisp shadows against the backdrop from the harsh stage lighting. For the next few hours, you are prisoner of this man unbeknownst to you. Late into the afternoon, you snap out of a comatose-like state. You scrape the inches of crust from the corners of your mouth and continue on your way. Voices circle your mind and urge you to steal, to kill, to buy name brand cereals. You can’t resist the temptation to take a pilgrimage to the abandoned summer camp two towns over. What happens in the next few weeks is all a blur of matching robes, suicide pacts, and cyanide laced, grape flavored Kool-Aid. If this scene sounds at all familiar, you have been brainwashed by late night television. Don’t feel bad, you aren’t the only one. Grown adults everywhere have fallen victim to Late Nights with Hubert Hastings. The FCC has been unable to find any breach of contract in how Hubert spends his time on air. Also, police have found no evidence to convict him for any crime whatsoever. In fact, we can’t seem to find a single person who hasn’t been turned into a mindless drone, sooo we guess there’s nothing any of us can do. We suppose that we will see you at the mandatory picnic for all members next week

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