Thursday, August 5, 2010

Amusement Park Construction Comes To A Screeching Halt

For the past decade and a half, The Dingaling Bros. have captivated audiences everywhere with their three ring circus extravaganza. Whether it be the Man with the Hairiest Colon or the Women with the Least Womanly Features, there is surely something to please, dazzle, satisfy, or absolutely god damn disgust you at their festival of fun. As you may or may not know, Jeeber and Jober Dingaling have decided to expand their wacky empire of shenanigans with a full blow, jolly jiggling theme park…IN EGYPT! That’s right, nothing says “family fun” like the sweltering heat of the Sahara Desert that will singe your short and curlies like the wicks of candles atop a birthday cake on the surface of the sun. Once you get past the dream-raping horrors of snakes, scorpions, and scarabs, it’s actually quite pleasant. Unfortunately, construction has come to a dead stop on this project for the 5th time since November. What is the cause of this setback? Why an ancient curse of course! While laying the brickwork for the bumper car arena, one careless worker accidentally cracked open the tomb of a ruthless pharaoh, Ramses Boojamsies IV, whose accomplishments are working slaves to death, undoing thousands of years of progress on the pyramids by attempting to make them spheres, and melting more Nazi faces than Indiana Jones during a solar flare. The workers fled as dog-faced men and man-faced dogs (all with spears and intimidating abs) came bursting out of the sand. Workers made their strike official when a swarm of locust blocked out the sun, a pestilence cloud of disease ravaged nearby towns, and also the lunch truck ran out of chicken fried steak. The supervisor on the job discussed the possibility of outsourcing the project to an independent contractor. “There is an abundance of mummies at our disposal. Those preserved corpses are workhorses that will labor 24/7 for exchange for their worldly belongings that we have rightfully repossessed. The only problem is that in that hot sun, they go bad like full diapers on Bourbon Street, but for the time being we’d be silly not to exploit their decomposing asses…hold on, don’t write any of that down,” he said. The Dingaling Bros. remain optimistic about the future of their amusement park. They even opened it up to a small group from St. Mary’s Children’s Hospital to test out a few of the rides…there were no survivors.

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