Thursday, August 5, 2010

Police Recover Invisible Man's Body...they think

For several months now, an extensive investigation has been carried out in the disappearance of Dr. Mr. Professor Alexander Spample. Spample graduated from LeCroix University with a Doctorate in Biomedichemistrology in 1983. Since then he has pranced around the science community, mixing mixtures and shaking beakers. His most famous work came in 2000 when he earned the Nobel Peace Prize for creating a potent new form of cotton candy. This cotton candy was used in the building of stealth bombers and would encase pilots in a pillowy soft cocoon in case of high speed collisions with other planes, mountains, eagles, etc. Also, it came in other flavors besides Pink and Blue. For the past 10 years, he has become increasingly distant from the science world and spent his time working for pharmaceutical companies manufacturing top of the line drugs (male enhancement/child vitamins) all while working on his top secret project…invisibility. After many failed attempts that resulted in a sudden spike of skinless fetish websites, he succeeded in 2009 by making himself transparent, translucent, and all around balls-ass scary to everyone around him. The world got up in arms as he traipsed around doing all the naked things we wish we could do while naked…he’s always naked. Countless accounts of mysterious voices and even more mysterious dongs swamped police departments everywhere. An eyewitness to one of Spample’s exploits said, “My wife and I, we were sitting on my porch. All of a sudden, we see this floatin’ pair of underwear on the horizon. We didn’t quite know what to make of it. Then, we see them underwear just sort of drop to the ground. And that’s when I knew...I had a naked invisible man on my property.” The military has wept at all of the lost opportunities for warfare. General Nathan S. Pud came right out and said “That boy could be savin’ his country, but instead he’s playin’ with his junk in public. He could be a god damn American Hero…” After a few short months, he seemed to fall off of the grid entirely. Search parties were sent out in an effort to locate him, but this has proved to be quite the difficult task. They have equipped themselves with state of the art pool noodles and are waving them around as we speak, in hopes of colliding with the missing professor. An interesting turn was thrown into the case last week when authorities announced they were “almost positive they found the body of Spample”. The officer on duty who found the body said “It was like any other day on the force. I was walking on the beach, eating an ice cream cone, when suddenly I tripped over something. I turned to see what made me stumble and there was nothing there! After a few hours of intense investigation, I was like…70% sure that it was him. Maybe 60%. I mean, he is invisible after all, so I guess I can’t be sure, but…I’m pretty sure.” Does the body belong to Spample, another invisible man, or was it a plastic bag that brushed by the officer’s foot? These questions have struck fear into communities and people have begun arming themselves for the inevitable war that is soon to come between Invisible and Visible men everywhere.

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