Thursday, August 5, 2010

Money Saving Guide For Ghouls

Early this morning, Monster and Munster Co.’s stocks plummeted a resounding 500 points, sending millions into a dire financial emergency. No business known to neither man nor monster has ever seen a plunge this bad. Stockholders have begun offering up cars, household appliances, and ever their souls in order to keep roofs over their heads. One man who sold his soul to the bank had this to say: “Yeah I sold my soul…so what? What is a soul anyway? Like…it’s just air or whatever. I’m not too worried about it…it’ll be fine.” This tragic economic downturn has been described by experts at “completely avoidable” and “a direct result of incompetence”.

We here at Strange Times have teamed up with industry professionals to compile a list of surefire, money saving lifestyle changes that are sure to keep a disaster of this caliber from ever befalling upon you:

1. DIET. No no no, you goof, this isn’t a weight loss article! Many people don’t know that the biggest expenditure in most households is food! That stuff you call sustenance, we call EXTRA BAGGAGE! Dump it all in the trash…all of it. We guarantee that you debt will wither away just as quickly as you do. Better yet, if you are going to get rid of every ounce of meat on your body, you might as well make a quick buck. There are plenty of street vendors who would be glad to perform a rudimentary surgery to remove that ponch of yours and you can auction it off to any number of eccentric city folks. If you are already in peak physical condition and have no fat to sell, try finding a fatty fatty boombalatty to harvest. Obesity is a growing epidemic that is not being cashed in on properly by 99% of most Americans. Be part of that other 1% and start chasing yourself some chubbies…with a machete. Now we understand that some of our readers are not willing or capable of cutting every last calorie from their daily routine, so our advice to you is to…

2. DOWNGRADE. In these tough economic times, no one can afford to sit upon their ivory towers, shoveling gold flakes into their raw and bleeding throat while laughing at the peons as they toil in the squalor below. Nope, not anymore. Not like in the good old days. We need to learn how to swallow our pride and maybe some cat food in order to send little Johnnies and Susies everywhere to college. Don’t cry over spilt milk, DRINK IT! Get down on your knees and lap up that moo juice because there is no way of knowing when that cash cow is going to come your way again. Instead of huffing and puffing your way to a mountain of bills with name brand cigarettes, roll your own! All ingredients from coffee grounds to rat poison can be found in your very own home….right under the sink…where kids have easy access to them. You think you’re above sleeping on a mattress that fell off a truck? Well you aren’t. Get off your high horse and embrace those discolorations and vibrant stains. It’s like sleeping on a rainbow…a urine, blood, and liquor soaked rainbow. If you are too accustomed to your current lifestyle and show no signs of ending your reign as Mr. Bigshot, then why don’t you try…

3. LEACHING. Become a money hungry parasite that grubs at other peoples’ wealth until the only thing that is left is an empty shell of what they once were. We heard that Jim next door makes more money than you. Also, he has a bigger house, prettier wife, and a slightly less raging infestation of pubic lice. Bet that makes you pretty mad huh? Well do something about it, cowboy. Next time he goes out of town, hold an estate sell on his property. That expensive leaf blower that he never let you borrow after that time he caught you making love to it? Sell it for 10 bucks! By the time he finds out what you’ve done, you will have bodyguards and butlers to protect you from any sort of repercussions. Not only can you leach off other humans, but you can continue to suckle on Mother Nature’s teet long into your retirement. Tired of wasting your time and effort bringing your used car batteries to the recycling facility? That’s time you could spend making some serious dough! Bury them deep in the ground and move on. Why pay for garbage disposal service when fire does the job quicker? But don’t just burn those plastic water bottles! Bring ‘em down the old, stagnant quarry and fill ‘em right back up again. During the summer, the neighborhood kids will pay big cashola for a refreshing beverage. Also, if you happen to drag up those missing bodies while your at it, CHA-CHING! Reward money!

That concludes our list of failure-proof guidelines for you to be on your way to a wealthier lifestyle. Once again you will be able to use your stove fueled by panda bears and your toilet filled with crude oil. In a few short weeks you will be just like your heroes plastered on the cover of Fortune Magazine, but you will be too busy traveling the world in a balloon to ever read the article. Just remember that when other call your actions “sheer lunacy”, we call them your ticket to “pure luxury”.

No comments:

Post a Comment