Medical Breakthrough Debunks Fruit-Related Myth

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".  This commonplace advice has been around for years and years in order to get children to eat their fruit.  Recent news has proved this to be untrue as extensive testing revealed the dangers of overconsumption of apples.  "Two apples a day, that'll give ya a mean case of Dick Cancer," explained Dr. Henry Lawlin, the leading physician at the Medical Center of Medicinal Medicine in Austin, Texas.  "Three?  Well if you're going around eating three apples, you won't have to worry about the side effects because you'll be dead.  Yup.  Dead as shit."

Evil has a new face, but it's not a face...it's a peel...or like, weird fruit-skin stuff.  It doesn't matter, just don't eat apples anymore, okay?

Local Man Feels Betrayed By VHS Tape

While "just browsing" at his local thrift store, Todd Barley decided to pick up a VHS tape for the irresistibly low price of $1.00.  The film was Bob Uecker's Fun Moments In Sports.  "I couldn't resist," said Todd.  "Just a buck for all that sports-related fun.  What a deal."  Fun Moments In Sports had sat untouched for many months on the bargain shelf, but employees were relieved to see it go.  "At one point, I thought I was going to have to buy it just to get the damn thing out of here," confessed a young volunteer who works primarily in trying to get the "piss and death" smell out of the clothes that people donate.  "I'm really glad that tape finally found a home."

We're laughing already.

Humanity Given Do or Die Scenario, Chooses Death

The future is uncertain, that much is certain.  Well, for you guys anyway.  Strange Times is lucky enough to have an entire squadron of fortune telling gypsies at our disposal.  We were bored the other day so we decided to get a play by play on how the world is going to end.  Ya know, for fun.  What we discovered is that the world will indeed be ending in 2012 and mimics the film, 2012, quite accurately...except for one blaring difference.  Nobody survives.  Intrigued? Read more!

These three?  Oh yeah, they definitely die.  Especially that little girl.  She gets it the worst.

Authorities On Statewide Hunt For Man That Recently Got A Hair Cut

CHICAGO, IL-Area officials have ordered all available officers in the state to drop what they are doing and turn their attention to a man responsible for a grave criminal offense.  At 3:30pm yesterday afternoon, mattress shop owner, P.C. Batter reported a "freshly groomed man" entering his store.  "Just by taking one look at him," described Batter.  "I could tell this guy was bad news.  His side burns were way too sharp and he didn't have any neck scruff.  Like...none at all."  After milling about for several minutes and pressing his palms down on Batter's wide selection of mattresses, the man selected one that was not too firm nor too soft.  "Ah, yeah.  The Sleepmaster 450.  That's one hell of a model," said Tommy Rogers, a shopper who was at the store at the time of the incident.  "I'd love to be laying down on one of those every night, but not on my salary.  Nah, that's a real luxury bed.  Whoever this guy is, he's got good taste."

A fine mattress is like a fine wine covered in dead skin cells and dried ejaculate.

Conga Line Started Behind Unwilling Man

At 7pm yesterday evening, Tim Shawfer met Tanya Scott for ice skating on their first date.  After miscalculating the humor derived from the fact that they have the same initials, Tim attempted to salvage the evening by wooing Ms. Scott with a superb display of ice skating mastery.  For the first hour, Tim was seen skating backwards while talking, bending down until his ass nearly touched the ice, and performing other acts of moderate difficulty.  Their date ended abruptly when a man hooked his index finger through Tim's belt loop.  Soon, other skaters followed this trend, creating a 14 person conga line behind Tim.  "It all happened so fast," said Tim.  "I didn't want to be part of that kind of thing, but they gave me no choice."  Tim, rather than denying his new responsibility as Conga Leader, embraced the experience.  "It actually turned out to be a lot of fun.  After two or three songs, the group sort of lost interest, but the good-smelling guy behind me kept clinging on tightly. His name is Troy. He sells real estate.  We're going back tomorrow night."

Something you will never see in a conga line: A black guy.

Tanya, unable to handle the awkwardness of the situation, left the ice rink with a mysterious man in a trench coat, claiming that "anything was better than staying there."  She has not been heard from since.  If you have any information that may lead to her whereabouts, take them and shove them right up your fucking ass.

Office Pizza Party Is The Best One Yet

You may be aware Johnson and Juhnstan Insurance from their commercials. Since a few years ago, they have been delivering automobile, house, life, and botched penis surgery insurance.  They pride themselves in their low, low rates, their rewards for safe driving, and their bi-monthly pizza parties that "really blow the lid off of the office."

"So I says to the guy...nothing because I had his dick in my mouth.  Hm, how 'bout this 'za?"

Local Man Will Believe It When He Sees It

This afternoon during their lunch break, William Rumpler divulged something to Elliot Pugloe to which Elliot could only respond with "nu-uh".  Rumpler made the claim that he had once put an entire package of bologna on one sandwich.  "There's no way," said an unbelieving Pugloe.  "That's just...way too much bologna for one sandwich.  No one in their right mind would ever do that.  I've know Will for a long time and there's no chance he'd do something that reckless."

4 slices?  Boy, you gotta death wish.

Grape Under Fridge Causes Family Tragedy, Brings Community Together

Earlier today when packing her son's lunch, Sue Pooh accidentally dropped a grape on the floor, which then, due to the spherical shape of the fruit, rolled beneath the fridge.  "My heart just stopped," said the distressed housewife.  "The first thing I thought when we got this fridge was that there wasn't enough space to fit my hand underneath it, but we took a gamble and well...we're paying for it now."

Choose wisely.