Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Local Man Will Believe It When He Sees It

This afternoon during their lunch break, William Rumpler divulged something to Elliot Pugloe to which Elliot could only respond with "nu-uh".  Rumpler made the claim that he had once put an entire package of bologna on one sandwich.  "There's no way," said an unbelieving Pugloe.  "That's just...way too much bologna for one sandwich.  No one in their right mind would ever do that.  I've know Will for a long time and there's no chance he'd do something that reckless."

4 slices?  Boy, you gotta death wish.

Despite Pugloe's accusations that Rumpler's claims were false, he continued on.  "So yeah, then I told him about the six slices of cheese I put on there," explained Rumpler.  "...that really set him off."  Pugloe then stood up from the lunch table in a fit of rage and began questioning others about the validity of Rumpler's supposed sandwich.  This bout of questioning was met with mixed opinions.  Some stared back blankly, others simply looked down at their food, while others gave Elliot a reassuring nod in agreement, but we suspect these were only to make him go away.

These answers did not satisfy Elliot's rampant inkling that Rumpler was lying to him yet again.  The first instance of untrustworthy allegations in their relationship occured last summer when William boasted about being able to do a backflip off of the diving board, but then refused to show Elliot said backflip.  "I still don't believe it.  I mean, if he can do it, then why won't he show me?  Damn...why'd you remind me?  Now I've got that to worry about in addition to this whole bologna thing."

Anyone who does a backflip is either an illusionist or a necromancer.

Pugloe marched straight to the top floor and demanded management to settle this qualm.  "Elliot was a mess when he came into my office," said Jack Asner, CEO and founder of whatever the fuck company these assholes are working at.  "If there is one thing this company does not stand for, it is embellished stories.  We tell the truth around here.  Exaggeration in friendly, unthreatening anecdotes only adds tension to the workplace.  How am I supposed to put faith in an employee when he can't even be honest about his sandwiches?"

Asner swiftly sent an order to the third floor Research and Development lab to run some tests.  "When we got this inquiry, we got right to work," said Dr. Rob Robe.  "Immediately I started thinking how to debunk this tall tale.  I mean...bread integrity alone stirs up some doubt.  There's no way your average white bread is going to be able to handle that much bologna.  Or any sliced deli meat for that matter.  Now if we're talking whole wheat or dare I say, rye...well that's an entirely different ballgame that I'm not at liberty to discuss at this point in time."

My god.  Leonard, get over here.  These mustard molecules are not agreeing with that lettuce DNA."

When Pugloe returned to Rumpler in an effort to "level with him", Rumpler's story remained unchanged.  Elliot even asked William to repeat the feat and to eat another sandwich with the same abundance of accoutrement.  "What can I say?  I was hungry," responded Rumpler.  I skipped breakfast, the bologna was about to expire...I just went for it.  It really hurts that Elliot took it this far.  I mean, I never told him I fucked his wife, but lying about bologna?  That's just sick." 

Last we heard, Elliot has not backed down in his pursuits for justice.  "I know that son of a bitch didn't really eat that sandwich and he sure as SHIT didn't eat the "entire bag of Cheetos" as he put it.  Especially not the puffy kind.  I mean C'MON!  He's going to fess up to what he did and didn't eat.  I don't care if it takes my entire life."  We've also been notified that Elliot has indeed gone as far as to hire a private investigator.  "Yeah, I've seen this a million times," said the hardboiled P.I. whose face was mysterious shadowed with the exception of the glowing embers of his cigarette.  "This guy is gonna slip up sooner or later...and I'm gonna be there to watch him fall."

On another note, when shown this picture by his brother-in-law Terry, Elliot responded, "Yeah, that's a pretty big fish."

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